My psychiatrist says I have a 'dissociated' personality- what does that mean?

Question

We were talking about how I'm very calm and happy on the surface, but underneath that I keep a tight lid on a lot of pain, anger and emotional messed-up-ness, and a personality that's completely different to the way I appear. I was showing her my arm (which I pretty much shredded in the last few days) but I couldn't help but be quite indifferent and cheerful about it, even when I was telling her that I felt I wanted to die.

Sometimes the 'lid' on my crazy cracks and I have episodes of extreme self harm/suicide attempts. Most of the time, though, I repress everything that's happened to me and I seem perfectly normal.

I understand that 'dissociated' means two things that no longer reflect each other, but I'm not sure what she meant in regards to ME, if you see what I mean. She said that having a dissociated personality is very unhealthy and dangerous, and she was considering putting me in hospital for a bit because of it. I don't have an actual personality DISORDER, though, just extreme anxiety, depression, a tendency to hurt myself instead of other people, and a lot of bad stuff in the past. I'm on prozac but I think it's made me worse. She wouldn't try and explain to me WHY my personality is broken or whatever is wrong with it.

Can anybody give me some info/good sites about this? Or is it not a proper 'thing'- was it just her way of trying to explain something? If so, what? I'm really confused. I'm only 16, this is too complicated for me XD

Answer 1

Liz gave a pretty good description.

I was laughing the first time I told a therapist about being sexually abused as a child.  The next time I saw her, she referred me to someone with a lot more experience.  I've been in therapy two years.  I can talk about my childhood now.  Can't cry about it yet, but I also don't feel like I'm walking around with such a false face to the world.  Dissociative personality is that you've sealed away all the pain and are living through your intellect, acting the way the situation indicates that you should act, not the way you feel because your feelings are sealed away.  If something is centered on you, instinctively you make light of it or laugh it off not wanting the attention because attention gets into feelings and those aren't always comfortable.  Only, it's not a real split so the feelings leak out and your intellect knows what the feelings are.  The self-harm is probably because deep inside you feel like you are the source of all wrong and evil.  That's the way child abuse works.  You're not, but you believe it anyway.  None of this is healthy and the danger is that all the emotions sealed up could bust open.  You're self-harming and your doc is seriously concerned.  She probably doesn't know you well enough to say why all this is and maybe doesn't want to trigger you into harming yourself more.  However, she does sound like she knows what she's doing.  Listen, talk, and try to trust her.

Answer 2

Sorry, I don't know of any web-sites or if it's even a proper term or anything, but I CAN tell you a bit about it.  Basically it means that you've pretty much checked out of your emotions.  That is why you can pretend to be happy, because that's not real emotion, but just something you project outward.  The really tragic part is that even when you are pretending to be happy, you never actually ARE happy.  Right now the most positive emotion you have is apathy.  So why are you still sad even though you don't really feel your emotions?  Because your true emotions of severe sadness are not GONE.  You've just buried them so deeply that they do not come out as a normal person's emotions would; if they did you couldn't pretend to be such a happy person.  What's dangerous about this is that if you don't let those negative emotions out, which you don't, they just continue to build up.  This is what causes the "lid" on your crazy to crack and leads to extreme self-harm.  It's even more dangerous because you never know when you will no longer be able to project out your happy persona and all the negativity will overwhelm you.  

As for why she won't explain what has broken you, my best guess is that she doesn't know you or your past well enough to make that call.  You mentioned that you've had troubles in the past.  Did you ever actually act on those negative emotions, or did you just bottle them up like you're so accustomed to doing now?  That is most likely the root of your problems.  I can tell you right now that if you truly wish to get better, it's probably going to take a long-term commitment to counseling.  You're probably going to have times when you think that change is hopeless, but you have to press on.  That's the only way you'll ever be able to properly feel emotions again and actually LIVE rather than just going through life with a fake persona.  I hope this helped and I hope you make the commitment to get well.  Good Luck.

Answer 3

please take a look at some of these links.

http://www.theawarenesscenter.org/did.ht...

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/dissoci...

http://psychologytoday.com/conditions/di...

Answer 4

They are just meaning you are directing your hurt/anger/distress inward instead of outwards. Not that you should hurt someone else and it would be ok, but find an outlet, talk things through that get you down. Dont make things worse by hurting the most important person in your life - YOU!

Sarah x

Answer 5

disassociation means that you isolate yourself, one way or another, from everybody else.  holding your emotions in and dealing with them in your head, or self-inflicting pain, is not the way to go about your problems.  disassociation is very dangerous and you should consider the fact that if you don't realize it now, then it will only get worse later and can lead to very serious psychological disorders. its ok to just be yourself around people and if you have to say some crazy things or voice out, then do it...its a lot better than holding it in and become angry or oppressing yourself.

i just got over dissociation, when i was alone by myself, i could always hear myself think and it drove me crazy, my thoughts were all over the place, i kept seeing things like little bugs appear and disappear, and all the symptoms of depression, anxiety, stress, etc. but idk, i just snapped out of it somehow.  you'll be alrite, just enjoy the things you like and let go of the stuff you're holding in. i suggest to exercise or dance (working out releases endorphins into the body that make you happy), it makes you feel good. its much better to be happy than miserable, and sometimes you just have to stay positive, laugh and smile no matter how S****y things get. good luck