My sister decided that she wants a private adoption....is there anyway to change her mind?

Question

I know I said in my last question about adoption I would do the gaurdianship thing, however, me and my husband ARE divorcing and my sister says I can adopt her daughter. At first I thought we were doing open adoption because my sister said she wanted to be able to recconnect with Noelle(her baby) in a few years.

However now she's had a change of heart and wants a private adoption. She also wants me to lie to Noelle when she's older and tell her that my sister didn't give birth to her someone else did!

Is there anyway I could change her mind? At the very least about lying! Please help! I want to adopt Noelle but I would hate lying to her. Should I just tell my sister I will lie and really don't? Or should I lie like my sister says!

PLEASE HELP!

Answer 1

I would suggest if its possible don't sign any paper work stating that the adoption has to be private. Instead say if she does change her mind in a few years you can tell your daughter that her birth is your sister but you are her adoptive mother and you both love her and together you can explain why she adopted.

If your sister doesn't change her mind respect her wishes. After all your daughter does get a wonderful loving mother and great aunt, and her medicinal history doesn't change much.

Answer 2

On the one hand I'd say respect the sister's wishes, but on the other that's lying. And sure we all lie to our children about little things(Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, what really happened to their Halloween candy....)but this is something to big to lie about.

I'd have a talk with your sister. Tell her that you don't want to lie to your niece and perhaps you could sign the papers as open adoption and let your sister think about it for the next few years. For now with your new baby you'll just be telling her she's adopted and not who her birthmother is. And she won't be asking who the BM is until she's older.

I hope you all come to a descision that is best for the baby. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 3

Wow.  OKay, you don't have much time.

I'll say this: lying to the child is NEVER a good thing.  It may not happen tomorrow, or the next day,or the next year, but secrets have a habit of being uncovered and sooner or later, this one will.  When it does, be prepared for some huge backlash from this girl as she comes to grips with the idea that the people she loves and trusts the most have lied to her about the most innate and personal things: her identity and where she comes from.  She deserves to know the truth.

Answer 4

Do not lie that is crazy and wrong.  

If you adopt her you need to be honest with her regardless that your sister has told you to lie.  To be honest since she is a baby you don’t need to tell her who her birthmother is that’s probably something she wouldn’t even question till maybe 4 or 5 years old or older. By that time maybe your sister will have come around if she has not, i would still be honest. Children should always be put before adults.

Answer 5

i would try to get my sister to agree to wait to decide what to tell the child.  Then when she gets older you guys can decide together what to tell her and when to tell her.  Just say that you will not tell her until both of you agree to tell her (if ever).  THe truth is it will eventually come out because I'm sure then rest of the family knows and someone will eventually slip.  Good luck with your new baby.

Answer 6

If you are wise, you will promise your sister NOTHING !!!!

She is clearly too distressed to make rational decisions and you need to keep yourself away from those she does make.

It is her child  and she can do whatever she wants. If I were you, I would stay out of it because no matter what you do or do not do, she will hang guilt on you later.  

Additionally, consider the welfare of the child FIRST!!!

How could you provide for her?  From where would she get a father figure?

Please don't let your emotions get in the way of logical thinking.  Your sister is doing enough of that for both of you and four others.

You do not have to take the baby just because you "signed papers".

Your sister will be counseled (again) by a social worker and  she will decide to keep her baby or let it go for adoption.

It is neither your responsibility nor your call.

Answer 7

I wouldn't go through with the adoption if you're sister feels this way, personally. It's unethical to either lie to the child or lie about promising to lie to you sister, and neither is a good scenario for the child.

II would suggest you tell her you are willing only to do temporary kinship guardianship at this point, and urge her to seek counseling. She doesn't seem to be thinking straight.

Oh and all private adoption means is that you aren't going through an agency or the state child welfare system, and met through other means and are using attorneys. Private adoptions can be open or closed.

ETA: Who had her sign papers? Do you already have your homestudy and an attorney or is this through child welfare or what?

Answer 8

Get the child then talk to your sister afterward about the lie. she may change her mind by the time the child is old enough to understand the whole story. Her hormones are raging right now.  The child is the most important thing. If your sister still wants to keep up the charade later on let her get mad at you for not keeping your word. At least the child is with family.

Answer 9

I agree with Lori. The best thing is to first get the child away from your irrational sister.  Make sure she's being taken care of well and the only way to do that is to do it yourself.  Later, since the baby is a baby, you can have time to talk to your sister about how to explain the situation to Noelle.  Most kids who spend time around family members who are unstable are able to understand what was in their best interest at the time.  Noelle will likely be understanding of your arrangement if she has any interaction with your sister whatsoever and if your sister continues on this mental path.  Hopefully, this is an isolated moment in time of crisis for your sister and simply a matter of her not thinking clearly.  Hopefully, over time she'll come around.

Answer 10

adopt the baby and if the child wants to know if she is adopted then tell her. otherwise why would she asume she was adopted?