My sister is a taker and I am tired of giving, urrgh, help!?

Question

I think my relationship with my sister is a total wreck! She always gets into money troubles then looks for a bail out. When she did that the last time I was out of the country and working like a dog, so I did not confront her until I got home. When I brought it up, she giggled as if she had pulled one over on me and I felt so stupid for helping her again. Tonight, she told me that she's in trouble and that she should have told me sooner. Since she is stressed and freaked, she has no idea how she comes across - intense!!! my body went into shakes from her energy!!! Talking to her is like watching a machine gun come at an ant, it's too much to handle and I can't think in the face of so much anger and frustration. I know she wants to do things for herself, she's 36 single mom, but she lets things go until it's a panic which she then uses to justify how rude she is to me and my family. My family and I have made things pretty good for her. I helped pay for her first studies, helped her with seperation from husband, family helped buy her house, I helped with furniture and lots of other details too, I have given her a lot, more than anyone has ever given me, I have stood by her and supported her. She shows no responsibility, has a sense of entitlement and expects help on demand. When she is confronted, she changes gears and acts all reasonable when just minutes ago she was dismissive and rude. She says all the right things sometimes, but her actions don't match her words. I told her I can't talk to her because I just don't know what to say anymore, she is a ticking time bomb. She has no idea how intense she is and that she affects those around her, especially her son who is the love of my life. With us not getting along, I am afraid that I will lose out on time with my nephew but I don't have any control over that.

I was very angry tonight and I called her on her daily pot smoking and her messy home and that was more than she was expecting since nobody dares to call her on her sht in case she gets upset - I'm done tip toeing around her.

What do I say to make her understand that it's not just about her, that she can't live beyond her means, and that she can't be so disrespectful to the very people who help her time and again? Or do I just go away, not speak to her and perhaps lose my nephew which would kill me?

Answer 1

Wow your sister is lucky fancy being able to rely on your family so much, she is taking you all for granted.  Perhaps you and your family all need to sit down and talk with her and all express how she is making you feel.  My advice is dont let people use emotional blackmail with you in regards to your nephew, its not a nice thought to think you would not see him if your sister fell out with you, but it might not come to that.

Answer 2

How can you make her understand? Stop helping her! Stop supporting this behaviour! Tell her to sort herself out!  

Answer 3

Hey, is her name Dani? is she 34? sounds just like my sister LOL! except she has my niece. You know as painful as it was I had to step back look at the picture and realize my sister was draining me dry..and really did not care as long as "her" needs & wants got met. Now I find myself in need after 5 years of paying rent, buying my niece school clothes, buying her a car, paying for sattelite, and telephone bills. enough is enough, I work hard since I was 16 and she should odo the same especially since she decided to have the child.  You are an enabler and your sister feels like you owe her, anything you do for her she feels she deserves it. You must put an end to it and even say it to her and point out that she dare not attempt to intfere with the relationship with your nephew, because that would be unfair. If your nephew is old enough to ask for time with you and she denies him..SHAME on HER!  You are doing the right thing..you are not responsible to that degree for her. My sister realized it and it hurt me to say NO the 1st time but it gets easier and easier then she stops asking, period..funny how she finds another resource of does with out. Unless it is food or shelter my answer is NO.

Answer 4

You sound like a very good, loving and generous person but your sister is a user. You don't have to respect her anymore. She clearly doesn't have any respect for you, her son or herself. They only way this is going to stop is if you learn from it all and stop the hand outs. She cant be trusted with what she is spending your hard earned money on anyway. Its not your job to support her and the sooner she realises this, the better. I know you feel sorry for your nephew and rightfully so but she's going to keep dragging you down. Tell her calmly and firmly that you are not her personal atm and that it stops here. Offer to babysit for her from time to time so that you can still see your nephew. One day she will wake up and feel bad for taking advantage of you. The drugs cloud her. This is still no excuse for her actions. Let her be angry. Who cares? I hope you will take this on board and see that you are not the bad guy by closing your purse to her. You don't need to be supporting her and you don't need the aggravation. Best of luck to you :)

Answer 5

God, I know how you feel! My boyfriends parents do exactly the same, they bail him out of all his bedts even though we shouldn't have any because they own our house, we don't pay rent and he has a really good job!!

Now I've taken control of his bank account (took his cash card off him and changed the pin number!) so bills get paid on time etc and told my MIL as nicely as possible that she isn't helping the situation!

Luckily she wasn't offended, and now we're doing good.

In this type of situation, you have to be cruel to be kind, and let them get out of their own mess.

Answer 6

Tell her you aren't supporting her drug habit any longer and she needs to stop being around her son when she is high. If she is reported to the authorities and they find the stuff in her  house she is going to lose her son.

Don't enable her. Just tell her now when she isn't desperate that you are out of money, she has drained the well dry and you can't give her anymore so its time she grew up.

If she has the money to live on and is wasting it, you are enabling her by handing her money. She sees you as the cash cow and has no need to have a budget or live within her means because you will fork it over. All she has to do is act crazy and you give in.