My sister is having marital problems ......?

Question

OK this is the problem, my sister has a son outside of wedlock, she had him before she met her husband, and all through the marriage her hubby has always had a hard time accepting her son, they continually fight over everything about her son, mind u her son is only 11 yrs, and is a very good boy, and i am not biased as its my nephew, i just agree that he is a very good child, on and off he may feel a bit unloved b/c of his step dad,which may result into him rebelling at times, but overly he is a good boy. My sister has another child with her husband, and her oldest child( the 11yr old) feels unloved at times b/c he feels like his step dad do not love him, but always shows preference to his kid that he has with her.They have been going through problems, b/c of it, now the latest is last night their was an issue with the two boys fighting, my BIL automatically defended his child, and was yelling at the 11 yr old, my sister stepped in to try to calm the situation, and he yelled at her, and they ended up arguing with one another over the kids, and he left.this is something he has done many times before, now my sis is depressed and forever torn btwn her son and her hubby, she cries to me about it, and i try to be there for her in every way, i have tried talking to her and him together about this situation, but her husband is a very stubborn man.What do u think i should do to help her out.

He has left last night, and did not come home, like i said, its not anything new, as he has done this before, so what do u think i could do to help her, or atleast what advice can i give my hurting sis, i hate to see her in this situiation.Serious answers only pls.Thanks so much!

Answer 1

Your sister needs to DEMAND that her husband love the first son like he's his OWN even!  He married her knowing he would be a stepdad, and that this boy would be a part of his family with her, so he (BIL) needs to grow up and starting acting like an adult.

I am worried about the 11 y/o boy.  This is going to affect his self-esteem and self-worth greatly. :(  Where is his biological father?  Not in the picture at all?  He needs to feel loved and wanted, and like he BELONGS in his family.  This needs to be resolved as soon as possible.  I highly suggest counseling for the family.  Seriously, you don't realize how this rejection by the stepdad is going to live with him forever...   Its not his fault but he is going to internalize the situation as HIS fault :(  He will believe he is unlovable...

Your BIL obviously has no idea what kind of damage he is doing by shutting out this child.  He needs to get past this, he needs to put his own feelings aside for the sake of this family.  I'm sure he feels the 11 y/o is a nuisance at times, but he married this woman knowing he would be a stepdad, and this child is NOT going to "go away".  He's got to step up and be the "hero" in this relationship, and open his heart to this older boy... and he will find the boy will start acting better towards him, too.  Things will get better if he can be mature enough to step up and be the stepdad that he should be...

Answer 2

OH that's so sad to hear, ur poor little nephew has to live in that situation, and i know ur sis prolly does alot to protect him from any verbal abuse he may be dealing with.

My suggestion is that u talk to her and be there for them, ur sis and nephew.Your BIL needs to grow up seriously!

Answer 3

I totally agree so much with becca, i mean i too was a step child, and was unloved in my life by both my dad and his wife, i lived 5 yrs with them , and through those years it was like pure living h**l, i eventually had to move out and go live w/my mom in another country, and it hurt me soo much that my dad and his wife did not love me the way i needed to be loved, unconditionally.

I understand exactly how that child must feel, seeing that i too was only 10 yrs old, when i experienced all that i did, and thank god by 15 yrs i was out of there, and finally living with my mom and happy.

I suggest that you do talk to your sis, and her hubby, let them know its not healthy for the child to be going through that, and he needs to love and accept him as his own.

Also seeking counselling is always a good idea.GL to you all!

Answer 4

That's a sad situation. I bet she is glad to have a sister like you who cares so much.

If I were you, I would advise her to talk to her husband about how this is putting her in a very difficult spot, and the kids are having to pay for his outbursts. She needs to tell him that he is doing the youngest child no favors by favoring him. What that will do is to make the youngest child feel like they can get by with anything, and there will always be someone else there to blame. They learn these things at a very young age. She should tell him that she knows he is only trying to "protect" the younger one, but in the end it will only hurt him. Also, she needs to make it clear that when they got married, he knew it was a packaged deal. She needs to emphasize  that this is hurting the relationship, because she feels she must choose her husband or her child's side on things. He may think this isn't affecting her that much. He needs to see that the way he is behaving could have serious consequences. I feel bad for her. It's a difficult spot to be in. I hope this helps and good luck to her.

Answer 5

girl, girl, girl, what can i say to this, first i have to commend you in taking the time out to be concerned for your sis, and her son's issues, and i hope that she knows what kind of a good sister she has.Secondly i have to say, that husband of hers need a good a$$ whipping, if that was happening to me, my brother will whop his a$$.

He needs to know that he is married, and when he did he automatically took on the duty of raising that child as his own, so that man ought to take care of his responsibilities in the right way.He need not treat the child in that manner.That child needs love from both parents irregardless he's a step dad to him.

So hubby needs to grow up.

Answer 6

Marriage is a beautiful thing and some people might say that your spouse comes first. But what about the kids? It is not fair to play favorite between the children. When he married her he knew she had a child and should have accepted him as his own. If she chooses to go through with this her son will always feel like an outcast and will never forgive her for it. I am married and had my oldest daughter when I met my husband and now we have a child together.  We do everything together and do not play favoritism between the kids. Yes it can be difficult being a parent to your mates child but that is a part of being a family. My husband had other children before me and I love them as my own. They don't live with us but if they did it would be the same. Your sister has to decide if she wants to help treat her child unfairly or make something happen. Yes she stands up for her son but does it solve anything? Not really because her husband still treats him badly. She will have to choose or the hubby will have to change permanently. The child is most important. This situation can scar him and moms relationship for a very long time. The only advice I can give you  is to just be there for her and your nephew. Good luck.

Answer 7

Awww hun, i am so sorry to hear what your sister's going through, she really needs to seek marriage counselling, it will help with the family issues as well, and i suggest that u stand by her with the decisions that she makes, she will need you more so now than ever.

Her husband however needs to understand that when he married her he married her son as well, not in the literal sense of course but he did vow to take care of them both, when he said "I DO" to her, and vice versa, so he needs to stop with the craziness, and the foolishness and be there for his step child, he needs to man up and be there for her and the kid.

Answer 8

"Torn?"   What a load of ****.

I'd chose my children over any man without a second thought.

Any woman who wouldn't do the same, or needs to "think" about it needs their head examined.

Why did she marry the jerk if he had issues about her child from the beginning, then choose to get pregnant again?   Bringing new children into an already tense situation never solves the problem, and almost always escalates it.

She needs to demand they go to family counseling, or serve him with divorce papers.   There are no other options with pigheaded neanderthals like your BIL.