My sister told me something the other day that i just can't get off my mind...?

Question

her son is 6 years old in first grade, appearently at his school children gets their yellow cards for good behavior to take home to the parents, well Isaac has an attention problem, and is appearently disruptive in class and doesn't get this yellow card to take home very often his teacher complains about him alot to my sister.

so i was talking on the phone with sis because we don't see each other often when she told me that Isaac didn't come home with a yellow card and that she spanked him for it, and that she spanks him everyday if he doesn't bring home a yellow card.. i was so shocked! i mean i am not against a spanking for a proper reason but this just seems too be resorting to spanking for the entirely wrong reason, it is very negative inforcement. the she told me she told the teacher what she does and his teacher encouraged this!! i got upset but calmly tried to give her other options and she told me when my children where older i would "change my tune"

-more to come

Answer 1

i think you should stay out of it

Answer 2

You are putting yourself in a difficult situation you do not want to be in.  Its kind of like your sister disagreeing with how you parent.  You would not be happy.  I say it is her choice.  And if her child is misbehaving at school.  Maybe setting up a school visit with teacher and finding out the problem would be better.  But i can not see how this is negative enforcement.  If its her way to discipline and he is getting in trouble then i agree with it.  As long as she is not beating her child which is wrong a swat on the *** never hurt no one.  I was raised getting my butt whipped with a belt and i am a respectful adult.  I am responsible i take care of my kids.  I am not saying it was right.  I am saying however kids now a days get away with everything and are spoiled.  So unless you feel its abuse.  I suggest staying out of it honestly!

*EDIT*  Now spanking and beating are two different things.  So which is it?  Cause if she is beating her kid and leaving bruises thats illegal and you should be calling the cops and authorities.  Not to mention i have a 4 and a half year old who has been diagnosed with adhd and oppositional deficiency disorder.  She has seen several psychiatrist for second and third opinions and they all say the same thing.  So discipline is tough.  Putting them on time out does no good when you are not persistent.  And Honestly She is not spanking her kid cause he is not perfect.  She spanks him cause he knows at the age he is what is right and wrong.

Answer 3

If spanking him when he doesn't come home with the card was actually effective, she wouldn't have to keep spanking him.  

Spanking should be used as a last resort.  Perhaps an entire week of no cards would warrant a spanking, but not every day.  If you really feel strongly about this, let her know you think it's not working.  Be prepared to have a very offended sister though.

Answer 4

I agree with you. If he has add or whatever it is hard to pay attention. I am a teenager (please don't take that badly i am very intelligent and responsible). But there are kids who don't pay attention.  I don;t think she should spank him nor do i think the teacher should encourage this. I have attention problems sometimes. It is hard for me to concentrate.

Answer 5

my only suggestion is to have her observe the classroom.  I am not making excuses for  the child, however, he is only 6 which is very young and some schools today have very warped definitions of what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior.   My son is a first grader and has 15-20 minutes of recess (weather permitting only) in a 9 hour school day...it is hard for him to sit still and stay focused some days.  He is not a problem child - the school sometimes thinks so - but when i went in to observe and saw for myself what they were upset about - i defended him and that actually agreed with me once we talked about it!!!   The teachers are under alot of pressure, bigger classes etc.  as long as you are willing to work with them, they will usually listen to you.

you sister needs to listen to your son as to why he does this - is he too tired maybe??   she is turning school into an anxiety pool for him -he's not going to get better if no one gives him any positive reinforcement.   how is he on sports teams, playdates etc    make comparisons so you get a better idea of what triggers it

also - get him off processed sugars and artificial sweetners - high fructose corn syrups etc- this can make a tremendous difference in how  much a child can focus in school. i think this wil really help him out and your sister

Answer 6

no she may love him but that is still abuse.

Answer 7

Sounds to me like he needs a different teacher. I have never in my life had a teacher tell me that spanking a child produces better behavior at school.  Most teachers believe that spanking is abuse.

Suggest this-  try having him keep his yellow cards he gets and give him an incentive  such as a new toy once he gets a certain number of the yellow cards.  When he doesnt bring home a yellow card - she should ignor that.  But when he brings one home - it should be happy day and smiles and happiness!  Encourage him to bring home the yellow cards!!

Answer 8

I agree with you, that certainly doesn't seem like an effective parenting move... but if your opinions have fallen on deaf ears so far, there isn't really anything you can do! She isn't being abusive so unfortunately other than continuing to subtly suggest other methods (ex. "oh I read this article about positive reinforcement the other day and it reminded me of Johnny...") there isn't anything you can do.

Answer 9

My son is 8 and he is ADHD and if we had to wait on him to bring home a card to show good behavoir then well..........anyway I agree with what you are saying but at the same time as a mom who has been there I understand where your sister is coming from.

Having a child with a behavoir issue is tough.  You try everything you can think of to try and still feel that nothing is getting through to them.  I don't agree with the spanking over it but your sister thinks this works and she is not wrong or right as the mother she has the right to her opinion on the matter.

The key here is to find something that gets the boys attention.  Obviously school and the yellow card dont hold any interest to him and since everyone makes such a big deal out of it he is starting to see it as a bad thing instead of a good one.  I know with my son the more we made a big deal over the behavoir charts the more he acted out.  He wanted attention and at this age any attention works even if it is bad.

My son loves his games and all kinds of them.  We knew that was his one weekness and we used it to get his attention.  Instead of getting upset and punishing him with a spanking for the bad behavoir we instead didnt let him play the games that night and if we went out to play basketball in the back yard he had to sit and watch instead of getting to join in.  We told him from the start that if he couldn't listen and behave at school then he wasnt being a team player so he had to watch.  After a few days of this he did try a little harder at school so we made abreak through and once he started trying then we went to a reward sytem instead.  If he got a good report from the teacher then he got a sticker on the sticker board if he didnt then he not only didnt get a sticker but he lost one that was laready there.  When he got 30 stickers then we would take him to buy a new game or another treat he had been wanting.  We didnt harp on the bad reports instead we just told him he knew what that meant and went and removed the sticker.  It did take time but when he finally got to go get his first treat he caught on pretty fast then.

Another thing for your sister to consider is the more active she keeps him outside of school the better.  Let him run off all the energy.  Karate is great for kids with behavoir issues because it teaches them restraint and discipline.  A regular schedule also helps.

Now as for approaching her dont tell her what you think is wrong instead ask her hey what about tryng so and so i know someone who did this and it worked for them maybe it will you.  If you tell her what she is doing is wrong then you offend her and she gets defensive and wont listen to anything.

Answer 10

There is a thing called "Child Psychology"

Take him to Toys-R-US on your next shopping trip....let him shop and do his thing........don't buy anything.

When you two get in the car....."Make Him A Deal He Can't Refuse."  .............Bring home a yellow card...and he gets a free $20 bucks cash.....to buy anything in the store he wants.

If he is slow and doesn't get a Yellow Card the next week.....Don't say a word......and when you go shopping on friday......Go Back to Toys-R-Us.......and let him shop for all the stuff he could had bought...!

Let him beat up on "Himself"  which he will surely do all the next week.

If that does not work........Get another Kid!

Hay We are supposed to be adults....and smarter then they are.......He is wondering why he did not get a yellow card...

AND  so are you........  Get out of the problem with him its his problem.....Get   AHEAD of the whole school, teacher, yellow card deal......and get above it!

Solve that problem by "Remote Control,"  maybe your teacher is not that bright?  And your boy has Knocked that idem off ahead of others......He is probably a lot smarter than you both think......

Answer 11

i think its wrong also. Its not his fault that he has a problem and spanking him obviously isnt helping anything. Maybe he needs to change teachers because that is wrong. Its really hard to tell this to your sister but its something that you have to do. You cant avoid this situation. I hope this helped!

Answer 12

You say that she is not abusive.

This is abusive.  Horrible.

Answer 13

Sounds like your nephew has ADHD. He needs to be seen by a doctor and tested and diagnosed.  He sounds like he needs medication. And before all you yahoo people says things about drugging a child up.  My son has ADD which is a mild form of ADHD.  He's 16 now, and doesn't take medicine anymore.  That's because he's learned to focus on his own. But a child as young as this one needs help.  Talk to your sister and ask her question about what else the child does. Does he start dinner on his sitting on his butt and is standing by the end of dinner? Can she tell him to do two things, but he only does half of the one task?  If he does these things, he has at least ADD. If he seems hyperactive, then he has ADHD and needs medication.  Good luck..

Answer 14

His classroom might not be the type of environment he thrives in.  He doesnt care about the yellow card and spanking is not going to change his mind. (that is sort of allready proven) For instance, one of my daughters needs strict boundaries or she would run a muck.  My friends daughter needs positive reinforcement, like Good Job Gabbie. Or like a yellow card.  In our school system they try to match the teachers teaching style with the childs learning style the best they can.  It sounds to me that the teacher has judged the child and has now set higher expectations of the child. A teacher should never complain about a child.  That would worry me.  I would suggest that she see if changing classes or even schools would work.  I understand that you cannot run from your problems, but if she finds out how he learns be it in a smaller group setting or even one on one (tutoring or homeschooling).  That will solve problems in the future and most schools have a school counsler or psycologist that the child can see for free.  Let her know that you do not think that she is a bad mother, its just that you want to help her to not be so frusturated with her child.  Good luck!!

Answer 15

What she should do instead of the spanking, is to have him tested for ADHD.  My son was also disruptive in class and was forever having citations sent home.  I took him to his doctor and he recomended a therapist.  After observing my son for a few visits, the therapist diagnosed him with ADHD and perscribed meds.  I have seen a huge difference in my son and so has his teacher.

Answer 16

I agree with you completely! I also agree that you have to be careful how you approach that. I know that I wouldn't appreciate my brother telling me what I'm doing wrong in my parenting.

My suggestion is that she give him a reward for getting the yellow card. Maybe she could keep a chart--put one star on for each yellow card and when he gets five, he can have a special treat--out for ice cream or $5 to spend on whatever he wants. I'm thinking this should be not in combination with the spankings, but it should replace that method of behavior modification.

Again, it will probably be tough to get her to appreciate your comments. If she hasn't already, I think she should have him evaluated for any underlying disorder. Good luck!

Answer 17

I'd be calling CPS.  Obviously this child has a problem that is being ignored by his mother and she is blaming HIM for it.  I have never felt the need to resort to physical violence against any of my three children, the younges is four the middle one is 7 and the oldest is 10 and pubecsing.  Obviously your sister can't handle being a parent.

Answer 18

parents hit out of anger....their own...she can't control his behaviour at school, it's a shame she feels the need to inflict physical pain on a child to try to have him conform to the teachers belief in what constitutes good and bad behaviour...I was spanked as a child..it accomplishes nothing but fear...it doesn't teach respect..it teaches you how to hate.  It's wrong...I know where I live you cannot spank, they take your kids away...wether she loves her child or not, she shouldn't be hitting him...he needs love and guidance and help to be the best he can...hitting him doesn't accomplish a d**n thing

Answer 19

Has she tried positive reinforcement instead?  My daughter is a bit of a problem at school as well, and punishments of any kind did nothing for her at school or at home.  Now we have a system set in place where she gets rewarded for good behavior instead of punished for bad.  It's working well.  She has a chart at school and 6 times a day she and her teacher go to it to put either a smiley or a frowny face on it.  If she gets even one frowny, she loses her free choice playtime at the end of the day.  (she's in kindergarten).  This way, she has to earn the smileys and consequently earn the free choice time, rather than misbehaving and losing it.  We put things more in her hands and it's worked like a gem.  If the spanking isn't working, it's not worthwhile for either of them.  Maybe tell her about this chart, see if the teacher is willing to do one for your nephew?  We're starting to try to formulate a similar plan for at home as well.  Good luck to you.  And I feel bad for him as well.  Poor kiddo.  As for the teacher complaining to your sister, I feel that teacher should be trying to help your nephew, not just complaining about him.  JMO though.

Answer 20

That is one of the most horrid things I have heard of a school doing they must have alot of bad kids or something to have a system in place like that, talk about alienating a kid...why would he want a yellow card when he's already taunted probably by the other kids when he doesn't get one and the teacher sounds like she has a dislike for him if she agreed with your sisters methods...wow I am in shock.  I feel sorry for you in that situation, I really don't know what you could do without it all going bad for everyone, well getting offended etc, by the sound of it you have tried and maybe you might have to just tell her and in the long run she might come and thank you.

My husbands brothers son when he was about 4 he would be very nasty to my first child who was only 1 which we ignored for a couple of years (I started to dread them coming over) and when my second child came along he became scary as in pointing his finger like a gun all of the time at both of their heads and pushing the older one around and just horrible behavour in general. My husband finally said that they couldn't come around any longer until they could control him....so his brother wouldn't talk to us for about 3 months and commented that how would we know as our children weren't as old as his so what would we know. Then one day they came around and my nephew was a different child.  The brother and wife just didn't want to recognise the problem but when it finally came to a head they did something about it and actually thanked us for making them do something.  That nephew of mine is now 15 and a great kid.

Sorry for going on but moral here is sometimes you just have to do what is right in your gut even if it means making people upset.