I am 25 and my sister is 14. She will be a freshman in high school. My parents just moved and she doesn't know anyone yet. She has big dreams of becoming popular, dressing fashionable etc. I helped her do a makeover and she looks adorable. I am worried though. She was a VERY unpopular at her old school.
I don't have the heart to tell her that her goal is unrealistic. She's focused on her looks when there are some important personality issues she needs to work on. She's got an offbeat sense of humor and people don't get it. She can be random and leave people asking "Huh? Where did that come from?" The humor is self depriciating (i.e. calls herself ugly and stupid) this teaches other kids that it's ok to call her the same names she calls herself. I've told her to stop. She's so much in the habit she does it without thinking.
I don't know where this lack of confidence comes from. She is a pretty 14 year old but I don't see her being a 'popular' kid. She's mean to other people and will insult or gossip about people 'lower' than herself to feel better. It comes off as catty when really she is just blunt and doesn't always think before speaking. She got in trouble for this as a kid and was punished for being rude to people in school and at home. My mom eventually got tired of apologizing to people like "She didn't mean it" and instead started punishing her and explaining, "This was wrong to say, here's why." I don't know where she learned this behavior, my mom always banned namecalling. She labels herself and others constantly and stereotypes people. My mom and I have tried to talk to her about this but it didn't help much.
I want to help her with this 'popular' goal of hers and I am not saying this to be mean but; I can see why kids made fun of her. She makes herself an easy target. She's not the nicest to others and has it in her head that ridiculing herself is funny. As much as my mom and I have tried to help her on this, she doesn't get it. I bring this up and she says "I know, I know" then 2 minutes later will say "I would do something stupid like that" or "It's messy like my room" I have tried pointing it out adding, "That won't make you popular." but nothing works. She'll stop for a while then start doing it again.
I don't want her dreams to be crushed. I've had to see the same scene so many times. Her coming home crying because some kids were mean. She admittedly brought some problems on herself, other times it was a bully taking everyone else's lead. I have tried to talk to her about this MANY times and we just go in circles and she just ends up crying saying "I hate myself" but she repeats the same patterns. I keep telling my mom she needs councelling but my mom refuses to believe that her 'baby' could have something mentally wrong.
I love my sister and she is a good kid. Unfortunately, her behavior makes kids hate her. She uses a lot of negitive self talk, has non-confident body language (looks down, fidgets a lot, has weird nervous habits like chewing her sleeve or ponytail..gross) can be mean to other people and can come off as bratty, defensive and argumentitive. It's getting harder to explain when she cries "Why do people hate me?" especially when she won't listen to my answer.
How do I help her with this without making her feel worse? Everytime I am honest with her she argues or cries! If she was my kid, I would send her to therapy. Does it sound like something is mentally wrong with her? How can I explain in the nicest way possible that she is pretty enough and she really needs a personality makeover? How do I also get thorugh to her that being 'popular' is not all it's cracked up to be? Is there a mental disorder like this and is there a name for it? I really am afraid of her coming home in tears again. How do I prevent this? I was teased a little, as most kids were but I never had problems like this.
What should I do? Is there anything I can say/do? Is she just a rotten kid and I am not seeing it? Is this just her personality? Does this sound like any known mental illness? I am really fear for her when she becomes an adult!
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