My sisters three month old g-d-child was shaken by her father and is now in the hospital.....?

Question

with brain injuries. The mother has already had two children taken away and is now not allowed to see this one. She will most likely not be allowed to have the child back for various other reasons. She is wanting my sister (the baby's g-d-mother) to take the baby, but she is not really in a position to do this. The question was posed to me that I might be able to take her, rather that put her in the foster care system (they know I am a loving mama and trust me more than someone they have never met to take care of the child).

Now, I have a few questions

1--how do I broach the subject to my husband (who is a loving and kind father, but has issues with the heart-wrenching emotions involved with fostering)

2--Do you think this would be biting off more that the average person can chew?? I have a 14 month old little boy and were TTC #2, but this could be put on hold for a while.

3--Should I set some ground rules?

4--Would it be hard to do since I live in another state??

Answer 1

God will give you the answers, just trust him.

Answer 2

no ask away hun i have my sisters 2 children and never ever regretted it best ting we did we all ready had 7 and have gone on to have 2 more boys since .... 11 kids  i no wow

Answer 3

It would likely be hard because you live in another state, as well as expensive (interstate adoption).  Also, if you aren't foster licensed in that state it may add another complication/expense.

My greater concern would be the forever connection to the birthfamily.  Don't get me wrong, I think open adoption is WONDERFUL, but since they know you MORE than a birthparent who may find a family thru an adoption professional, the boundaries may be more difficult to establish and maintain.

I'd suggest that you refer them to make an open adoption plan for the child.  If violence and/or drugs are involved, it's best to place the child a bit further than immediate friends/family to protect the child.

ALSO, VERY IMPORTANT...  If they want to choose adoption, they need to do it NOW before they lose all rights to make an adoption plan. Refer them to the site below for help making an open adoption plan.

Answer 4

this is a truley sad situation. But painfully you have to say no. Its a hard thing to do when people are in need. But you are in no position to be taking care of another's child. You have your own to worry and take care of. I wouldn't get involved no matter how much you want to help, because there will be constant drama with the mother and the father. They may agree at first then change their mind and show up at your house unexpectedly or harass you or demand their child from you. You may not be money ready for another kid. Your husband seems like a good man all in all, and a good father. But it is completely differnt circumstances when the child isnt his. He may not know how to comminunicate or bond with the child or if he should? There are thousands of things you must take into consideration while doing such a enermous change in your life style. I think it is very noble and sweet of you to try to help another child and mother in need but i dont believe its your place. I had a similar problem in my family. Only difference was that my brother and i were the ones being fought over.

And my father couldn't be a stable human being let alone a father, but once he was we were being well cared for and raised and loved jeliously struck him and he got possessive towards us. And grew hatred and envy towards our guardian. I hope this helps. I hope you choose the right decesion.

You sound Co-dependent. I have the same problem i'd look into that, if you have a therapist or someone to talk to. There are self-help books on it in book stores. Again good luck !

mel =]

Answer 5

The situation is truly a sad one. But although you may want to take the baby, you may not have this opportunity,because he hospital must notify child protective services, and they will get the child, and they have trained homes prepared to take children in these cases,and place them in a safe foster home,  which are usually refered to as respite care, and they have trained foster parents, some who have homes set up for childen placed in emergency situations,they offer 24 hour services, and are  trained and certified through the agency. Also, they have therapeutic homes and trained foster  families, these o families are  trained to take care of infants and children in a traumatic situation.The agency will put the chid in a home that is best suited for the needs of the child, not because someone wants to take the child at someone's suggestion,although it was nice of you to consider it, but also please know, they don't just put children in a home because anybody wants to get the child, a person would have to go through a somewhat lenghty screening process, lots of paper work, they will have to go to parent preparation classes,a home study, fingerprinting on themselves, their spouse,and  anyyone in your home 16 or older, financial information, physical examination,etc., I know this, because I am a licensed foster parent, and have fostered children. So please note that your home would have to be licensed first, and they will do a background check on you and your family. I suggest if you want more information, just call your local adoption agency, and ask questions, and you can also look online at your state,county or other's guidelines on foster and adoption,and inform yourself about the process.

Answer 6

Wow, I will definitely say a prayer for this baby. This is really something you and your husband need to seriously have a long talk about. The baby will obviously have some serious problems, are you financially and emotionally ready to take this on? If you are, then you're my hero. If not, then don't feel bad, this is alot to handle. There are many loving parents out there who would adopt this baby happily. Good luck to you and your husband!

Answer 7

I guess for # 1 that is hard to answer since I don't know your husband. Just bring up the situation and explain it and mention what you did here, that they brought up maybe you taking the baby? Then see what his reaction is I guess and discuss it further.

#2- I think you should find out more about the childs health situation before you agree to anything. Brain injuries really vary a lot. He may not have much permanent damage or he could need lots of medical support, nursing care, etc to stay alive and healthy.

#3- If you know the mother or would be having contact with her at all, you definitely need to set ground rules. This woman, even if your sister likes her, obviously has some serious problems. If you have her child in the house she could cause you serious problems/stress/etc if she was contacting you a lot, trying to see the kid when she wasn't supposed to, etc. Some of the rules may be set by foster care/court system but you probably will need some of your own involving your sister and the babys mother just in case things start going badly.

#4- It may not even be possible, even if you lived in the same state. Generally they will consider relatives for foster care placement above other people, but not so much friends of the family. Also to get the child placed with you you'll probably need all the stuff a regular foster family would like home study, background checks, etc. Even if you can get local foster agency to agree to let the child live with you it can take months & months for that to happen because of paperwork and other things.

I guess talk to your husband and see if he would be willing to find out more about the situation. Then get in touch with the social worker/foster care employee in charge of this childs case. They may be able to give you more info on if you could get the child, how the process works, etc. Also find out more about what the childs medical and other needs will be before making any sort of decision.  

Answer 8

That is SO sad! I couldn't imagine. If you think you are really ready and able to care for that baby, do it. Give it the love it needs. Talk to your husband, be open and decide together. I would defiantly set ground rules, if you are going to raise the child, YOU are going to raise the child. God bless... And hope that little one is ok!  

Answer 9

the child will become a foster child.  most likely the child would not be placed with you (even though you are family) because with foster care the parents get visitation weekly.  if you are out of state that makes visitation difficult.  

Answer 10

Bless you for considering looking after a shaken 3 month old baby.

It's good that you are asking questions.  It's a start.  

A good place for reputable resources and professional reference information is the National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome.  You can access a mother-load of valuable information at their website :  

http://www.dontshake.org

There is also the Shaken Baby Coalition at :   www.shakenbabycoalition.org

They discuss different support (financial and equipment) systems available to SBS families.

From there, you can join on-line discussion and support group which provides incredible support and help when you need it.

This will be a very difficult decision for you and your family.  

Not many people want to foster SBS children because of all the medical problems and developmental delays.  There are several foster families in the support and discussion group.  

All the best to you and the baby.

Hugs

Answer 11

I am sorry I can't answer any of the technical questions.  But I do know a lot about raising a child with brain damage.  My twin brother had similar brain damage at 11 months.  It is very challenging and very rewarding.  Be prepared for hard to handle behavior issues, providing more in-depth care for longer, and all the social discrimination.  You need to be a very proactive person.  Finding the right schools and medical care are priority.  You need to be sure you can afford the degree of medical care this child will need.  Most people with brain damage end up needing major surgery, physical therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy, home health aides, anti-seizure treatment, adaptive equipment, etc...You need to be exceptionally patient.   You need to have a good, strong relationship with your husband.  Raising a disabled child without two parents is an impossibility.  This will change the course of your family's life.  Overall, I will tell you that you are a wonderful person for considering this.   In the long run, I think everyone in my family is a better person than they would have been had my brother not had a brain injury.