My small children don't want to see me?

Question

I'm recently divorced and my ex and I decided to co-parent and split visitation 50/50. Whenever I pick them up they don't want to leave their father. They cry and tell me they don't want to come to my house. Their father lives in the family house so all of their friends live there and it's much larger than my townhome. Also all of his family are here so when he has them they have all of their cousins to play with. I've tried talking to them about why they say this (really it's only my 4 year old & the 7 year old, the 9 year old wants to stay with me) and they say it's because they can stay up as late as they want and they have all of their friends with them. I'm not about to budge about giving up visitation, as far as I'm concerned that's non-negotionable but I've tried telling them that it hurts my feelings when they do it but that doesn't work. I feel like it's disrespectful and unacceptable behavior but I'm not sure how to deal with this. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

I would say stick to your guns. You are doing OK. Kids need rules and balance and eventually once things get into a routine and settle down they will be OK.

They love you. Don't tell them it is disrespectful or unacceptable because then you are telling them their feelings are inferior to yours and that your feelings matter more. This will keep them from talking to you in the future about things that matter because they will be afraid to hurt you, and what they will really need is to talk to you and not worry about your feelings. Also don't put your hurt feelings onto them. That is not their problem, you can't guilt your kids into wanting to see you, they will just start to resent you. Trust me, I know. it sucks.

Just keeping on pushing through. Make it fun when them come over, but keep your rules for bedtime, and mealtimes. They will come to appreciate that.

Good Luck!

EDIT: no don't give up your part of the custody. If you do that it wont get better, it will get harder for the transition as they get older. And then eventually they could start asking you why you never came and got them and why you never came to see them. Just keep on going.

Answer 2

How about you let the 9 yr old stay with you and the 7 and 4 year olds can stay with Dad.  Once the older one has left to go with you, I'm sure the others will feel left out.

You'll have to get their Dad in with this plan too and probably the older one for it to work.

Sorry to hear about your stress with this.  I'm sure it will get a bit better though as the kids get older.

Answer 3

sounds like they are being spoiled over there...

you tell them that when they come to your house its your rules not daddys! They are to get in the bed when you tell them and there should be no whining about how long their dad let's them stay up. Say, " well we aren't at daddys house and my rules are my rules." you have to show them who's boss and tell them they are being disrespectful. Better do it at an early age or they will be worse in their teens.

Answer 4

Do not budge.I know that this must hurt, but they need you.There should be more structure in their lives and the time that they spend with their father sounds very unstructured.It sounds like he is not supporting you @ all.I am sure that they want to stay and play so maybe you could set up play dates @ your house?I would talk to my ex and ask for his support (maybe he could bring them to you and/or have "talks"with them about respecting you.

Answer 5

My kids have NO rules at their dads house.  They get to eat what they want, go to bed when they want, watch tv shows that I would NEVER allow them to see, etc..  

When they say that dad's is more fun or they want to go to dad's, I simply say in a cheeful voice "Isn't it great that you get to have so much fun with dad?  He doesn't get to spend as much time with you so it is important that you have fun over there" I also say "It's ok to have different rules at dad's.  You have different rules at school and when you go to grandma's too!"

It will get easier with time, I promise.  Just be sure to never bad mouth their dad, talk about him like he is the greatest person in the world (even if he is scum).  They will adjust.  Stick with your rules, give them love and guidance.

Answer 6

IT CAUSE ALL THERE FRIENDS ARE THERE TRUST ME. BUT TALK WITH UR X MAYBE U GUYS CAN THINK OF  A SOULATION MY SON IS THE SAME WAY BUT ITS HIIS DAD THAT HE DONT IIKE 2 GO TO HE HAS GAMES AT MY HOUSE AND OVER HERE HE GETS HIS WAY HIS DAD IS STRICT AND DNT LET HIM DO ALOT OF THINGS LOL.

Answer 7

I too have joint custody but my situation isn't that bad. My daughter loves me and wants to be with me too but I have had issues like you because her Dad lives with his parents and they let her do whatever she wants, eat what she wants, disregard hygiene things(liek washing hands etc) and don't really try to enforce discipline. I sometimes feel like my toes are being stepped on from them too. Overall she is well behaved but I can see the problems with her behavior at home with me. It's hard for me because her Dad works but he still wants joint visitation even though his Mom has to watch her on his time. Sometimes I feel like I share custody with his aprents too since he has to work a lot but he wants it to be fair and see her even though he isn't the one who is with her all day. He doesn't do any of the driving back and forth usually, it's his parents and I that do. I'm a stay- at- home mom with my son untl they are in school more and can give her a normal family environment with my husband. I'm sure it will all change for me when she goe to school and when he (if ever) moves from his parents house. He thinks it's so easy raising a child and that he has been there from the beginning but he has never done it alone. He has always had his live in daycare. They won't be around forever and he needs to realize that. he also has an anger management problem that he doesn't use toward my daughter but I think it may come out whe nshe is older and disagrees wth him someday...like when she is a teenager.

Anyway, just wanted to say that you're not alone and maybe you could take it to court...?  I just make sure I do fun things and have her around friends and families kids but also be a 'parent' at the same time. Children need structure...not just fun and games all the time. Hopefully they will learn this in time too. Email me on my profile if you want to talk further.

You 9 yr old wants to stay with you. That's a good sign. I think it will getter for you as the other two get older and figure things out. I hope :)

Oh...and also it would be better if you and him can agree  to rules...bedtimes, discipline, rules etc so everything is the same and not that they can get away with stuff there. he doesn't seem to look at the long run when the bad behavior will catch up with them and it's too late to stop. He probably won't listen ( I know how that is especially with other family members watching them) but it's worth bringing up.