My small story, read please?

Question

Its quite complicated.

'He wishes.'

Theres a boy called jordan, 17.

Last picked for sports, the target for all the taunts.

His only friend was into drugs, his name was suggs.

Jordan gladly bought some pills, intending to overdose.

'Someday i'll end this', he muttered angrily under his breath.

He kiked his gym bag, dragging it home whilst the prom beauty followed him.

'Whats your name?' she asked gladly, twirling her red curls.

'Jordan.', he replied bashfully.

The school bell rang as they said goodbye.

But no, not the school bell.

'Alarm clock?' Jordans voice crocked as his eyes opened.

To his left the pills he had used to overdose were scattered on the bed side table.

The prom queen was a dream. Not real.

Jordan gasped and a tear ran down his face. 'No.. ?'

He fell on his pillow. Left for dead.

Answer 1

I really like it.  You could class it as either a poem or a piece of flash fiction - either cateogory would work.

Just watch your spelling (though it may just be typing errors). First line should be "There's" rather than "Theres" (as it's a contraction of "There is/was"), and similarly in line eleven, it should be "Jordan's" rather than "Jordans" as the correct version means "belonging to Jordan" whilst the version you used means "many Jordans".

Kiked should be Kicked too.

Why not submit it to a literature website once it is finished?  Why not try http://www.abctales.com or http://www.umbrellastories.com?

Well done, and best of luck!

Answer 2

Not bad actually, this coming from someone who doesnt like reading books !

Not stupid, just needs a tad improving such as the language :p

Answer 3

Excellent story. I like the glimpse of hope Jordan experiences before he realizes it's too late to undo his fatal actions. That's what made it sad and touching to me. Bravo. Do you have any more stories?  

Answer 4

Interesting and leaves you wanting to read more! Good luck!

Answer 5

its good. but it's kind of sad. maybe if you made it longer with a bit more descriptions

Answer 6

its tooo short. like what ? ?

i think you have to build up on description and the personalities of the character.

the main storyline would have been good but its tooo rushed that it doesnt make sense!

x

Answer 7

It was quite interesting that was... the thing that needs improving is that you should add more detail and elaborate on it... make it attention grabbing... you have done good for just that small part to get people to read... I am working on a story.. i wrote 3 chapters and have now gone over the second chapter to elaborate and alter it... i should just finish it then re do it but i cant do that lol...

BUT NO... THIS ISNT STUPID OR CRINGY... IF YOU ADD MORE ETC THEN WITH THIS GENRE AND FRAMEWORK YOU COULD HAVE A NICE STORY.... I MEAN IT IS TRUE TO THE PRESENT DAY EVENTS AND SHOULD RELATE TO MANY PEOPLE

GO FOR IT... JUST DONT GIVE UP!!!

well done!!!

All The Best.. x x x

Answer 8

its good ..

maby you need to be a little more descriptive but it definitely caught my attention!

Answer 9

i like it, its disturbingly true not stupid kinda makes you wonder how many people it actually happened to.