My son's 1st mom changed her mind and???

Question

He's 11 months old-almost, and she gave birth to a little girl Friday, which she had told us she was going to place with us, however, today, we found out she changed her mind. We live in a small own, and they'll be attending the same school (along with her other child, age 6 now). In fact, the kids will be in the same grade. How do I explain to him the fact that she didn't keep him, and she kept his sister? BTW, she hasn't had a job in over 7 years, my son was born meth addicted, she has no home, no vehicle, and is talking about taking the baby to live in a camper which doesn't have running water. The bio dad has left her because of it. Also, I'm in the process for a while to become a foster parent, just in case. Also, I'm going to give her the clothes, bassinet, and many things she'll need, for the baby's sake.

Answer 1

Some of the answers to you are very rude.  You are your son's Mother, the day you brought him home you became his Mother.  She gave up that rite when she decided to give him up.  I am sorry that you will not be adopting his sister but I think you may get her shortly.  The biological Mother does not seem to be in any shape to raise children, she may have decided to keep this child because it was a girl but she eventually will see that it is too difficult.

I am sorry you are going through this and I would keep the lines of communication open so that when she is too overwhelmed to keep this child she feels comfortable enough to give her to you.

Good Luck!  You are a wonderful Mother and a great person!!

Answer 2

Well, I am sure it is no easy choice for her to relinquish yet another child. Nor will it be easy for you to discuss it with him. She must have means to take care of her child. If she does not, she will be reported to CPS for neglect. I think you are doing all you can on that front, by helping her with items she might need. I would keep an open dialogue with your son and help him to understand that--at that time in her life--she wasn't able to care for him properly. I would leave out all of the negativity and focus on the great things she gave to him, such as his eyes, his good nature, his love of laughter, etc. I would also suggest that you help foster a relationship between the two of them, and between him and his siblings, so that she can explain much of this to him as he requests the information and so that he doesn't feel separated from his siblings. Keep your feelings in check. Talk to him about his adoption in general as often as you can/he will allow. IF he asks follow up questions, you should give him factual, but kind information. You never want to put him in the middle and you never want to make him feel unloved by his mother. You also never want to make him feel your hurt/anger/disappointment with something he has no control over. Point being, just as with divorce, it is never a good idea to talk ugly or condecendingly about the other parent....that will only hurt your child in the long run....and might also place a huge strain on your relationship with your child. Take care.

<<adoptive mommy through foster care.

Answer 3

You should look at what would Jesus want. Certainly not for you to separate a mother/ children.   I would be more altruistic in your motives...help her find work, babysit if needed.  Why not just give her partial custody of her son in your custody until she gets on her feet and then give her back "her" child. Get over yourself and this "promised" child thing. Its not going to make you "the mother" of any of her children.

You are just "mothering" her son. Your setting yourself up for heartache. I personally feel you want her other baby because of the bond your a-child will have and it interferes with your plans to be the one and only.

Answer 4

Ignore the rude people like Independent. YOU are your son’s mother and always will be.

It is kind that you are giving this woman items for the baby, the reason for it is irrelevant. The baby will have some much needed things that its mother clearly can not provide. I would also try to encourage this woman to find employment of some kind.She might even be able to stay at a shelter she could stay at for a bit until she gets on her feet they might even provide baby sitting while she is at work. Seems that would be better than living in some trailer where there is no running water.

Answer 5

She couldn't have changed her mind.  It's not possible to make a decision to give away a baby that's still inside you.  So, once she gave birth, she MADE THE DECISION to keep her child.  She has that right.

If you have an open adoption, which it sounds like you do, then his first mom can explain to him why she gave him up and kept his siblings.  Your job is to support him.

Answer 6

I know someone with a similar story where the woman decided to parent, even though her situation was really bad (no home, drugs etc). My friend stayed in touch and eventually the woman realized she couldn't parent the child, so at 9 mo she called my friend, and they started the adoption process. I know it is hard, but you have to do your best, let her make her own decision. You never know, the child may still end up with you if it is meant to be.  

Answer 7

What do you mean how do you explain it to your son.

Obviously it was a painful decision. Its not like she's obligated to give you her next child because she gave you her second. I think this question is rude. The way you're talking about her personal life and making it out like she's horrible here is rude too.

Where is the line drawn with this kind of disrespect to your childs mother?

Her childs father has left her, she's poor, going to have to live in a trailer and you're worried about why she didn't give YOU her next baby, and how you'll explain it to your son? You're going to give her clothing for the "babies" sake, but not because you care for HER, or want to HELP HER, not because its your SONS MOTHER, but for the babies sake that you wanted and didn't get.

Heres an idea.....

Son, your mother loves you and misses you, and giving you to us was so painful for her, that she couldn't do it again. She may not have plans to raise her child, but shes going to try and make that happen as best as she can, and because we all love her so much, we're going to help her do whatever it takes to help her. We're all family now and family helps eachother out.