My son's maternal grandmother contacted us and she's not supposed to. What do I do?

Question

We have an open adoption with my son's natural mother and it is very good. She is 23. However, somehow his maternal grandmother got our contact info and called us. The only thing I know about her is from my son's natural mother. We know she is just out of prison. Our son's natural father is her drug dealer. She has not been a mother to any of her children. My son's natural mother grew up in the foster care system along with multiple other siblings. She tries to control our son's natural mother because it's the only child who will still have anything to do with her. She threatens our son's natural mother all the time about the adoption. In reality, she could care less about our son. She only does this to hurt his natural mother. She has her own 11 year old son who is still in foster care.

Answer 1

That's terrible.  You don't have to have contact with anyone you don't feel safe with.  Get onto your lawyer and find out any legalities you need to know.  

Try and meet the maternal mother less frequently and under supervision of the courts - until the grandmother is out of the 'picture'.  She sounds as though she could be dangerous.   Tell the Maternal mother your concerns and reassure her it has nothing to do with her and you and your husband feel as though she needs to take a 'backseat' in y our lives for a while until this thing with her mother calms down.  If she cares about your son, she will agree.

Check your security at home and make the local police aware of the situation.  

Try and get away for a week or two with your son and husband to relieve some of the stress this woman has caused. . Good Luck with it, thinking of you all. . .

Answer 2

Does your son's natural mother have any influence over her mother?  Can you appeal to her to get her mother to back off?

I don't think this is just about jerking your son's mom around.  I suspect that "grannie" thinks that she can gain from you financially.  If her daughter cannot get her to back off, take a hard line and get a restraining order if necessary.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

Edited to add:  I just read about your next meeting with your son's mother and your fears over that.  Did you adopt through an agency?  If so, I think that you should go to the agency and demand that they be "neutral" ground to protect all of you - you and your son and his mother.  Can you have your next contact meeting on their property where there are third parties present?  Just an idea.

Edited to add:

I agree with your husband about laying low.  I really think that changing your meeting location to a private one is a bad idea.  It opens the door wide open for the grandmother to get involved.  I would let the third parties continue to be involved with visits for your safety.

Answer 3

Cowboy, what a horrible position to be in.  Is it possible to meet with the bio-mom earlier than you originally expected so as to "throw off" the grandmother?  I can understand your husband's concerns too.  

My hubby is a police officer, and I agree with the others who say that you should at least let the local law enforcement know what is going on.  If you consider this woman a threat, then they can help you to take action or even do more patrols in your area.  Ironically, in my hubby's department, many of the police officers are adoptive fathers so this would strike a chord with them and they would go out of their way to help.  : )

Have you spoken with the agency at all to see if they have any suggestions?  Maybe you are not the first family this has occurred to and they have some experience on how to handle it?  Just a thought.

In the meantime, I wish you all the best.  You are doing the right thing in trying to protect your family first.  I'm sure the bio-mom will understand.  

Good luck.  Keep us posted on how things work out.

Answer 4

YUCK. This all sounds horrible & quite frightening.

Did she find out from your son's daughter?? Or did she do her own investigating??

Can you change the meeting details at all - meet somewhere completely different??

I think others are right - your son's mother has to tell her mother to back off - or it will harm her relationship with you both.

Your safety is important.

I can totally understand your fears.

Sorry I haven't got many more suggestions.

I do hope that she's not out to hurt you all.

I wish you all the best.

Answer 5

I agree with most that you should inform the authorities of what is going on even more if she contacts you all again.  As far as meetings with the birthmother is it possible for you to meet a day before or day after? I do agree with your husband that ceasing contact temporarily might be a wise decision. However it might be kind to  explain to her in person why you feel the need to cease contact and it would give you the chance to exchange presents. If need be could you meet with his birthmother but not take him, that might make your husband comfortable and you could still explain to her your reasons for wanting to temporarily cease contact. His  birthmother probably doesn’t want her mother around the boy any more then you do.

Do you know what this woman looks like? I ask this because if you do you might want to get a picture and show it to people who might also care for you son, daycare, sitters, family/friends that might take him somewhere. So if they happen to run into this woman or god forbid she starts stalking,  they will know to keep the baby away from her.

Obviously you shouldn’t take it lightly the birth grandmother is a felon and a druggie, people will do crazy stuff when they are high. She'll probably eventually end back in the big house.

Never feel bad about putting your son first. His safety and wellbeing is first priority and I’m sure his birthmother would agree.

Answer 6

You can't make everyone happy.  You just need to make sure everyone remains safe.

I would call your local police/sheriff's dept., and ask to speak to a detective.  Call the non-emergency line, not 911.  Tell the cop the story, and ask for advice.

You may not be able to get a restraining order right away, but you may have to get the ball rolling, and do whatever that entails.

Don't put your son's natural mother in the middle of this, obviously with a mother like this she has enough problems.

This woman is a felon, Cowboy,  act accordingly.  She sounds unstable and irrational.

Good luck.

Answer 7

I'm so sorry you are going through this shite when all you are trying to do is what is best for baby

I don't think I can add much to what people have already said but I hope she doesn't manage to ruin the relationship you have with your child's mother

Can your agency act as an intermediary to ascertain exactly what it is she wants without you or your son's mother having to be in direct contact with her

If she continues to harrass your family I hope you won't hesitate to take action to restrain her

I'm sorry you are having to put up with so much shite from all sides right now.  Take care.

Answer 8

Obviously your first concern needs to be your family's safety and security. If this woman poses any kind of threat I would suggest asking for a restraining order or a peace bond. If she is just being curious or "nosey" perhaps you can explain to her that your agreement is that you and your son have contact with her daughter and not her. Her daughter also has a part to play in this though. After all it is her mother causing the trouble. Not saying that she has or could have any influence over an adult but maybe she could better explain the fact that her own visits with her natural son could be in jeopardy due to her mom's behaviour. As for the threats, what kind of threats could she make that would be valid? The adoption is final and it was her daughter's choice to make. Period. I hate to say it but really this is an issue that the natural mom needs to address with her own mother. I have had to sit my own dad down and tell him to butt out of my life on occasion. Parents will always feel a need to be involved with their children's lives but there comes a point when it needs to be on a toned down level. Since this young woman was able to have a child and make a choice about that child she is also old enough to deal with her "family" issues as they arise. And IMHO this is a family issue of hers.

Take what steps you deem necessary to ensure the continued success of your family and suggest that she do the same.

Answer 9

The mertanal grandmother should not go near your son if she is going to just cause him pain and be a negative impact on him.You are responsible for your childs safety and future, you need to fight for him because he can not do it,keep him safe and keep her away.

Answer 10

You need to put the safety of your son before anything else. Does the bio-mother agree with you on that the grandmother is unstable. Maybe with your son's bio-mother's help she can take out a restraining order and so can you. That way if she contacts you or contacts your son's bio-mother to get to you, she can get into trouble. I think you will need to work together with the bio-mother to keep her, you and your family safe from the grandmother. I know anyone that is on drugs is not safe, nor do they think rationale.

Answer 11

i'm so sorry you are going through this.  

i have to concur with much of what's been stated: you have to place the safety needs of your little boy and your family first.  i would first begin by blocking her number and letting the b-mom know that you are uncomfortable with this contact.  give the concrete reasons why (eg. her hx of drug abuse, threats towards your son's bmom, et al) as you've explained to us here.

next, if the contact continues, i would simply request that she not call back.  you have NO obligation to have contact with anyone who you deem harmful to your family.  the final suggestion would be to involve the authorities.

although many of us believe in family preservation, NO one supports children being placed in harmful situations.  and if this woman has the potential to have some adverse influence, than nip it in the bud.

hope it all works out :-)

ps. i'm still looking for some books to recommend for your little boy.

Answer 12

What contact he has with her is now up to you adn your husband. If she causes problems, it may be possible to get a restraining order against her. That may actually be your best option.

Answer 13

Do what ever you need to do to get this woman out of your life

contact the lawyer as well as the natural mother to explain to them your fear

Good luck & hope you peace