My son feel like he is not important???

Question

i have 4 boys. 8, 7, 4, and 2. recently my husband was killed in iraq and so its just been me and the kids. my 7 year old has been kind of distant, doesnt really want to play with the other kids, having behavior problems, etc. i know its because hes upset and grieving but i also think that the other kids are more important than him. ive had a hard time with the situation as well and so my parents took the kids for the weekend so i could have some time to myself. my 7 yr old did not want to go. he wanted to stay at home with me. i sent him anyways because i really needed alone time to sort things out and get things done. and now they are back and he will barely talk to me. he will only talk to me when i ask him questions and it will be one-word answers. i know hes mad at me and i dont know what to do. my other boys arent acting like this. i try spending one on one time with him but its not easy with 3 kids.

how can i make my son feel better about my other kids and stop beingupset w/ me

Answer 1

It sounds like your whole family is having a hard time with  losing your husband. I think that I would get the family into some counseling and try to do things with all the kids don't play favorites. I know this is hard with 4 children but it is important to make sure they each know how much they mean to you and their dad.

Answer 2

well all kids handle it differently hes probably taking it the hardest maybe one day you should take him out just you and him and have some alone time with him.

Answer 3

You've answered your own question, when you said: "...but i also think that the other kids are more important than him."

No wonder he felt like you were pushing him away that day when he wanted to stay and feels you don't really want to spend time with him (even if that's not what you had in mind).

He probably feels you're pitching his needs against those of the other kids and falling short of giving him what he uniquely needs. Obviously, he is prone to greater observation and a more developed inner dialog with himself than the other kids. Your reluctance to treat his feelings with special gentleness and understanding is blocking off communication channels and fostering simmering resentment that could have its repercussions in the years to come.

Understanding his different needs in no way means you're neglecting the other kids. Each of your kids is different, and so can your love for each child can be different. Equal, but different.

You're obviously going through a difficult time yourself and he's probably an empathic type who's picking up on all your anger and worries about the future. You need to start talking to him, one on one, and allow both of you to express your feelings and allow each other the grieving process so he can make sense of what is happening around him and let go of his stifled resentment, both towards you and towards a situation he had no control over whatsoever.

Just be there for him as much as you can, and show him clearly that you will always love him and care about his feelings no matter what.