My son has a problem. How do I help?

Question

My son is almost 22 yrs. old. He drinks alcohol but then has times when he drinks to excess. I have told him we would be there & support him so he can get help. He gets way out of hand when he is drunk. Gets to the point where he breaks stuff & has bitten his father on the hand so deep it could have used stitches. This is disrupting our family big time. He talks at times & we think he has overcome his problem & then his partner calls (our son lives 6 hrs. away) to tell us that our son is busting things up & 'stormed off' & that he will have to call the police. Then our son comes back to his partner & they talk things out, he sobers up & it is just a vicious cycle. We tall his partner that we will bring him home & get him the help he needs ( we want him safe & sober). His partner doesn't want our son knowing that he called us. We are concerned if we go to get our son that he will refuse to come home with us. What in God's name can we do before maybe the unthinkable happens. Our son does not have a car but we worry that he might take one & hurt himself or someone else or accidentally fall in the river he lives by & drown. Any suggestions from someone who has "been there... done that". Thanks!

Answer 1

never been in your shoes, but my first reaction is maybe stop bailing him out.  Call the cops and have him taken to jail the next time he assaults or destroys property.  Might be the wake up call he really needs.  Good luck.

Answer 2

I can relate.  I use to be the 22 year old son that got drunk and abusive to my girlfriend.  I lived 27 hours from my parents....and everytime I got violent my girl would call my folks and my mom would talk to me on the phone.

I found out that I wasn't really an alcohalic.  But I drank to excess to numb myself from the unhappy situation I was going through in life.  I was living with a girl that wasn't right for me (we fought all the time), I didn't have a job, money, a working car, and I hated the city I lived in (anyone will tell you that city sucks if they lived there).  I felt stuck with no way out and it made me miserable.  So I drank...go trashed all the time...and the alcohal would make me violent as a result.

What saved me is what you're suggesting.  Taking your son out of the environment he's in and placing him into an environment that's stable...that he's familiar with.  My mother convinced me to move home for a little while to sort things out with my issues.  She didn't force me to do anything I didn't want to do...but she did tell me in so many words that my behavior was unacceptable and change needed to happen.

Now most people are glad to speak up and make someone feel worse...but few are willing to help a person get on the right track.  So going back to my mother, she gave me money to get my car fixed so I could pack up what I could and move back home.  The idea was to get a job, get some stability, and "if I wanted to" I could move my girl up to my home state and away from the unstableness of the rotten city we lived in.

I did just that (minus moving my girl...that's another long story and the end result was we broke up).  I stopped drinking excessively all the time...and basically stopped being violent because I had nothing bringing me down.

So I hope my story here inspires you in some way to know what you should do about your son.  Because I have a feeling what he's going through and he needs the support from his family to get him on the right track.  Good luck.

Answer 3

You can't do anything.  Your son has to recognize that he has a problem (he is an alcoholic) but he isn't going to admit that.  HE has to want help and accept help which obviously he hasn't.  He is an adult and you can't make him stop drinking.  All you can do is tell him that you will not enable his behavior and will not allow him to disrupt your family any longer.  That's all you can do.  He had to do the rest himself.

Answer 4

It really sounds like that you love your son and you never thought that your son would end up like this. Have you really sat down with him and found out why he acts like this? If you have then there has to be someone that your son can talk to. He sounds like he really needs help. It also sounds like there is more going on with him than you realize. You might try taking him to a hospital and see if they can keep him for awhile and maybe then someone can be able to talk to find out what the root of the problem is.

I am a mother as well and my son is 16 so i do understand alot, what you are going through. Please do me one favor and that would be to never give up on your son and never stop loving him. He needs you now more than you think.....  Good luck and if you do pray please do, this will be the only way that you can handle and you are not alone with children that act out like this.....

Answer 5

Your son is the classic drug addict. He will do or say anything to keep his next fix coming, and no, it will not ever get better because of the physical and mental deterioration it causes.

The main problem is that he will not straighten up on his own until things get so bad that he has to look up and realize that he is in the gutter.

His partner is most likely enabling it.

About the only thing you can do is an all-out intervention and haul him into a treatment facility. Don't expect it to take the first time.

Answer 6

Most of us alcoholics have underlying mental health issues, and we drink to self-medicate.  I know -- been there, done that.

You can't fix or help your son.  It's up to him to get help... You can urge him to see a doctor, go to AA on a regular basis and get help for his anger and frustration issues... but you can't do it for him.

If the unthinkable happens, it does.  I was in a terrible car wreck because of my drinking and mental health problems.  Three years later, i somehow can walk and type again.  Miracles happen.

You can talk with the people at AA or your local rehab center or mental health clinic to see if you can force him into treatment.  However, i'm here to tell you it won't help him until he can admit he has a problem and wants help.

His partner really needs to get away from him.  Your son is in no condition to be anyone's partner.

i'm sorry you're going through this.

Answer 7

If he does not admit to a problem, only he can be responsible for himself. You could go to Alanon-a group for friends and relatives of people with drinking problem, or maybe his partner will have to call the police or take out a restraining order-perhaps that is the only language your son will understand.