My son has been diagnosed with Aspergers, but will NOT accept diagnosis!!!?

Question

My 14 year old was diagnosed with mild Aspergers syndrome and will not accept the diagnosis. He is mildly affected and sees other kids with this label and they are 'kooky' in his words. He does not accept this label for himself and as a result will not accept assisstance, which he needs. He has been diagnosed for quite awhile (two years) and I have tried talking to him and getting him to read books about it. Nothing has worked, should I throw up my hands and just deal with it on that level????

Answer 1

I can certainly see why it would be difficult for a teenager to admit to anyone, including himself, that he has Asperger's.  Teenagers want so much to be just like the other kids- and here he was born different.  

It might help if you work with him to make any help he needs as discrete as possible.  My daughter has Asperger's, and the extra help she was getting in school made her very embarrassed and just accentuated her differences.

It may also help to work with your son and find out from him what assistance he feels he needs.  If he feels like he has some control and say then he may be more willing to accept help.

I actually pulled my daughter out of special education at school because the embarrassment she felt from needing extra help was causing more harm than the Asperger's symptoms.  Her school grades have dropped a bit since then, but socially she is doing much better which i feel is important.  Also, without all that extra help she has developed some coping skills and methods on her own, and has learned to help herself a lot.

Answer 2

Try pointing out to him that some of the differences that his condition entails are not necessarily bad ones.  Show him how he can turn some of his "disadvantages" into advantages.

Answer 3

This is a tough situation since we don't know more about his specific case. Does his Aspergers effect him in the classroom, and does keep him from accessing the curriculum in school? Or does he just suffer from the social aspects that come along with the diagnosis?

It is especially difficult because some of the social problems stem from being a 14 year old. I wouldn't concentrate on him not accepting the diagnosis, as much as providing resources for him as he continues to grow and mature. And, don't froget to take advantage of organizations that are available for you as well.

The fact that he is thinking about other members of society can be seen as encouraging as well.

Good luck!

Answer 4

He was diagnosed at 12 and he thought he had a choice whether or not he would receive the help he needs? Since when does a 12 year old get to deciede these things? Did you not get him vaccinated because he cried when he got injections?  You are the MOM. You are bigger (hopefully he is not 6 feet at 14), stronger (hopefully) and definitely smarter. Take him to the doctor or educational specialist,etc. They are trained to work with resistive kids.

Answer 5

From your point of view, you may feel he is in denial.

But I actually think he has a healthy outlook. In terms of how he sees himself, he is "just another kid" and even though AS kids ARE atypical, you may wish to keep in mind that he goes to school with many kids that are surely diagnosed with all sorts of different disorders. So he may just see himself as one of many hundreds of "different kids" and that makes him "one of the crowd."

Really, this is how he ought to be seeing himself, in my opinion. Just because a person has a diagnosis does not mean they have to walk around with it as though they have a monkey on their back. Thinking of one's diagnosis this way impairs one's ability to function.

In future, his diagnosis may impair his abilities in some areas, and I suspect he will take a greater interest in AS at that time. But until that time, he will see AS as being as interesting as reading "Blackstone's Commentaries" or researching a family tree.

One other thing ought to be taken into account here and that would be that AS people tend to sometimes not make eye contact or may not appear to be paying attention to people tat are talking to him. It is quite possible he has listened to and heard everything you have said, but is still internalizing it.

So I think you should let up on the AS thing for a while and see what happens.

Answer 6

Although you know your son is different than other children in some respects, his not wanting to  acknowledge imperfections outwardly, not wanting to read academic literature about his imperfections, and not wanting to talk about his imperfections with his mother are three very normal stances for a 14 year old boy.  It is well-known that people most loathe in others the characteristics they loathe in themselves and teenagers are no different.  I suspect your son is perfectly aware of his differences just as you were perfectly aware of your zits, but he simply doesn't want to be forced to look in the mirror with you.  Self-awareness at 14 is difficult to achieve and impossible for a parent to force.  Otherwise, having teenagers wouldn't be the awful period so many parents describe it to be.

This is assumption, but I imagine that you spent some time trying to find out what was "wrong" with your son, and were probably relieved to have a diagnosis.  Your son likely has not enjoyed this at all, and may feel quite badly about it all  That this occurred during his middle school years and continues to be a main topic in high school, when a child already feels horribly inadequate, compounds any pain he feels.  

I advise you to read as many books as you can, and to gently, subtly implement the suggestions they make for you (the parent).  Give him the opportunity to be his best self and do not force him to focus on his flaws.  He will be more receptive to your conversation topics if he believes he will be uplifted by them.  

He will need considerable time before he believes that he can talk to you without your bringing up Asperger's.  Until then, and while he is in the throws of teenage years, I wouldn't expect very much in terms of deeply honest conversations about disability, or physique, or anything else.  

Spend time talking with your friends who have teenage sons with no disabilities.  Pay attention to the similarities between your son and theirs.

I am not saying you were wrong to pursue the diagnosis or wrong to want him to know about it.  Not at all.  You are correct in this.  I am suggesting that you give him some time and space to deal with it privately, and not insist upon evidence that he is doing so or a timeline.  Just let him be and love him.  Figure out what music he likes and play it when you drive together.  That's a start.

Answer 7

my cousins has it very bad and it got worse every year becuase they didnt diagnose him until he was about17

Answer 8

I have aspergers and I was totally the same way.  It took me a while because I perceived autistics as being retards.  In reality, aspies have above average IQs, but are slow socially.  

You can't force him to accept treatment.  If you do, you will make things much worse.  Trust me.  The standard "kick him in the @ss" doesn't work with aspies.  Also, you should have him take some of the online aspie tests just to confirm his diagnosis.  Its also possible that he doesn't actually have it.  Doctors have been wrong before.

If he does, then you just need to keep trying to convince him that he needs aspie training.  If he doesn't get it, then he will grow up always being the outsider and wont have any friends or girlfriends.  Sooner or later he will come around.

Can you elaborate as to why you think he has aspergers other than the diagnosis?

Answer 9

Try discussing with him what he feels like his deficits are. Whether it's academically, emotionally or socially. If he is able and willing to recognize his own deficits, then perhaps you can convince him to at least receive help for those individually. It doesn't have to be about Asperger's itself. Just explain to him that with a little added help he can be the best person possible. Ignore the label, just treat those instances individually. Throw the title out the door at least in your home. Instead of focusing on multiple treatments at once, just focus on what separates him the most from his peers. Good luck to you both.

Answer 10

This is such a difficult dilemma and 14 is such a difficult age. If he is totally unwilling to be labelled with the diagnosis I would for the time being accept his decision. If the diagnosis is in place any professional who comes into contact with him will be aware of his situation. He is reaching an age where he is able to make decisions about his own future. You are going to have to be there for him without interfering unless something is going wrong. I do think from personal experience we worry too much and put too much pressure on ourselves by trying to protect our children. He will probably surprise you and cope quite well. But, please make sure you make him aware that you are always there for him if he does encounter any difficulties. I have a daughter who has Asperger syndrome and she has always known she is different. When she got her diagnosis she was relieved. I also have a freind whose son is diagnosed with Asperger syndrome and he has rejected this diagnosis. His mum at the moment is quite happy with this decision but is still there if he needs extra support. Some children with Asperger syndrome cope pretty well with life in general so don't give up hope. My father, who is nearly 70 years old got a diagnosis when he was in his 60's. We just always though he was eccentric, but he did hold down a very high powered job and a demanding career. Don't force the diagnosis on your son, just take one day at a time. Good luck.