My son is 18 and has not put in a hard days work yet in his life. mom won't kick him out, I will. what 2 do

Question

He looks aat the yellow pages and calls it "job hunting". He is very inteligent and can talk circles around his mother, I see right through it. He is the only boy of 4 kids and the baby of the family. I am fighting a loosing battle with his mother about taking away all, not some of his privlidges. IE; T.V. Laundry, video games(he is obsessed with them), even his his airconditioner which is operating on high 27/7 so he stays cool. He wont cut grass, he sabotaged the lawn mower so he wouldn't have to cut grass. I am at war with his mother about his laziness, she complains about him constantly but when I make any suggestions she jumps to his defense like a bear to her cub. I have decided after 25 years that this is ruining my relationship with her and can't decide weather to stay or go. I am a retired NAVY SeAL and have seen this in other families, I just think this is one no win situation. any suggestions and they better be really good. I am becoming ashamed of my own son. and I hate it

Answer 1

one day when he's away go into his room and move his stuff to a secure location (storage place or something). Then when he gets back tell him he can have his stuff back as soon as he starts doing chores and gets a job.

If your wife is trying to defend him you have to just step in, don't ask her for permission in raising your own son.

You can also talk to friends to see if they can help get him a job.

Or you could help search for a job that he might like. Video game testing sounds fun, and he would like it, however it's lots of writing and work, and would help get him ready for another job.

Answer 2

Number one, do not allow your feelings toward your son to erode your relationship with your wife.  You will always end up becoming the "heavy" in the problem and she will always defend him.  Let it go a while and then discuss it with your wife in non-judgemental fashion.  Tell her that you are worried about his future and his welfare.  Taking priviledges or things away doesn't work.  He will learn to live without the random stuff and your wife will see you as an enemy.  If you see an opportunity that might be good for him, suggest it to him, or better, suggest it to your wife and let her bring it up with him.  This will be one of the hardest things you have ever tried to do, but it is much better to make a strategic withdrawal than to fight a losing battle.  Look for positive things to praise or to at least find good in your son and remember, he is not your reflection.  He is his own person and needs to find his own way.  Don't put up roadblocks.  Fix or buy a new lawn mower and set the thermostat lower on the air conditioner.

Answer 3

Unless you are hard on him & give him an ultimatum, he will not change. You & your wife need to sit down & set some ground rules. Average out what he would be paying for rent etc.. living on his own. Make a list of chores that need to be done daily & if not done, keep a list of what he owes for each chore not completed. -OR-Other than that, tell him he needs to find a job by a certain day, or a new place to live. If your wife does not work with you, put you foot down & tell her he needs to grow up & act as an adult if he wants to be treated like one. good luck!!

Answer 4

If he is "very intelligent" as you say, has he considered college or tech. school?   I wouldn't be in a hurry to kick him out of the house - once they're gone, it's never the same - but at 18, he should contribute to the household by doing chores or paying some of his own expenses. Give him a deadline to find a job and/or enroll in school. Then help him with his job hunting skills.  He's inexperienced and possibly lacks the self-confidence to successfully compete for a job. Work with him to look for job openings, fill out applications, and create a resume.  Look at educational options together.  After he has had a few interviews or picked out some possible career paths, I bet he'll be more motivated.  He just needs a goal to work for and the confidence to believe he can achieve it.  

As for your wife, she probably doesn't want to lose her "baby."  I am a mother of teens and college students, and I understand that. But I've found that once they leave home and start to truly discover themselves, it's even more rewarding and interesting when they come home and visit.  And they will.  It's hard, but we have to let them go.

Answer 5

Dad?

just kidding ..

It sounds exactly like my parents and brother .. your not the only one. What sucks is that now that I have my own house, my brother decides to come over here when my dad gets angry with him at their house. My mom and I have a close relationship but when it comes to talking about what my brother is up to nowadays with my dad she is always to his rescue .. Its hard to ignore it. Let your wife know exactly how you feel. Goodluck

Answer 6

tell him that he has thirty days to either find his own place or pay rent (which you can give back when he moves out if you don't want to actually charge him rent), this way he will need a job.  Take a day where the two of you go to different places that are hiring and he goes in and picks up a job application and fills it out.  My older brother was very lazy at times due to a medical condition, but now he's 21 and doing great, your son may just need a little bit more motivation.  If you own the tv, washing machine, and video games, take them away and tell him when he has money he can buy them back (again if you don't want his money save it for later when he needs it to get his own place).  You could even go as far as locking him out of his room-put a good locking door k**b on and you keep the key, telling him you have provided far too much for too long and until his gets a job or you see him complete a few applications, then he can't get into his room (take a few pairs of cloths out, etc. so he can still live, just not as nicely).  If he asks for money to go out, don't give it to him and try to get your wife on the same page.  You could even try not cooking meals for him-tell him he can fix himself a sandwich after he does a household chore or something, but he can't have a nice home-cooked meal until he gets a job.  In my opinion, by 18 every kid should have job experience or at least be actively looking for work, it will affect him later when he needs a real job but has no experience ever working.  And don't hesitate to take the AC away b/c that is a luxury just as the video games and tv are and he doesn't need them to survive.  Simplify his life so he has just the basics, you are doing the right thing by wanting to take these things away, explain to your wife that it is only to help him and once he gets a job he can earn or buy them back. Good luck, don't give in to him you are only helping him in the long run.

Answer 7

u find him a job

Answer 8

Kick him to the curb!

Answer 9

Start charging him a small amount of rent, but agree to accept payments-in-kind, such as cleaning and yardwork, until he finds a job.