My son is 6 and wants to know what his biological father looks like...?

Question

My husband has been with me since right before my son was born, so my son sees him as Daddy. But we recently told him that he has a birth father. We explained things the best that we could and let him ask the questions he wanted to. He is doing amazingly well with all of this new information. In fact, he is curious as heck about his birth father. His first qestion was what his BFs name was. We decided to tell him his first name only for now. (He and his birth father are in Taekwondo so he has actually be around him at a tourament, so he would know who we were talking about if we said the last name. ) SO last night I told him what his first name was. I expected him to just say "oh... okay" and go on with getting ready for bed. That is basically what he did when we told him about his birth father. Instead... his next question was " Can I see what he looks like?" So what do I do now?? Seeing "what he looks like" ....means knowing who he is....

Answer 1

Since you have already given your son some information, I think it's time that your husband, you and your sons birthdad, get together with your son and explain things to him. It will be hard but better in the long run.

Answer 2

Your son is already asking after him.  Answering his questions now may help him avoid other pitfalls later.  If your husband has been there all along, your son is not likely to stop thinking of him as "Daddy."  Knowing this now, being able to incorporate this into his identity, may help him in the long run, especially since he's asking the questions.  

I understand you may not want to give your ex anything.  He may not deserve it.  But don't think of it that way.  Think of it as giving your son something.  He's the one who wants it.  (And if your ex has seen him at tournaments and not said anything, that suggests that he respects your decisions, whatever you do.)

Answer 3

I remember this question also. You seem to be in a situation where you have to do something. Let me tell you about a friend. He had a mom and a dad and then there was this man who was always watching from a distance. He never understood. All too late he found out this was his nfather. Not that he loved his step father any less, just wished he could have gotten to know his real father. One day the man just stopped coming. Would it be so bad to let the two of them have the taikwondo as their special thing since they are already in it together? I'm sure his father feels a sense of pride in knowing that his son is interested in the same thing as him.

What do you think will happen later on if you tell him that he was around his father and didn't know it? Just a gut feeling but I think you should entertain the thought of getting the two of them together. Talk to your husband and your sons nfather. See if you can't come up with some guidelines.

Answer 4

Your son has every right to not only know about his father, but to know his father, as well.  If you hold back from him, it could very well cause a variety of problems.  Everyone is entitled to his or her own truth.  

The fact that he is 6 and already knows who his father is may make it harder, because someone he has only known as a acquaintance is now so much more than that.  This is all the more reason to be honest with him.  

It's good that his step-dad is a dad to him, as that is an important support he'll need, along with you of course.  I know how that can be, as my mother's step-dad was dad to her. Because of time, distance and other factors, she never met her father, although she basically knew who he was.

Please be honest with your son.  It will be much harder the longer you wait.

Answer 5

You need to be honest with your son. Especially now since he's asking. Just get it all out in the open now. Your son will be fine. He deserves to know.

Answer 6

When  WOULD you tell him, then?  What is it that you're waiting for? Seeing as how he's seeing his birth father occasionally already, the longer you wait, the more your hesitation takes on the appearance of a lie.  You should at least be honest enough to tell him what the problem is "Honey, your father is someone that you kind of know, and I don't know if that might make things confusing for you. What do you think?"

Use your imagination, what would you want if you were in that situation? Me, I'd want my mom to answer my questions honestly.

Answer 7

Good for you for being honest. Keep doing that. He will never stop being curious about his birthfather and if he finds out he was right there all along he may be resentful.

I agree with the posters who said the three of you (adults) should sit down and set up some guidelines.

Good luck!

Answer 8

I think i remember you asking a question relating to this awhile ago.  

If he is asking, i think he should know.  Take it slow, tell him you will, just give him a little time to soak the first part. But you need to tell  him who his father is and he has that right to know.

Answer 9

go with your gut feeling. you love your boy... do what's right for him not you

Answer 10

He's asking.  He's 6.  He's ready for it.

I think it's perhaps YOU that's not ready for it.

Tell the truth.  He deserves to know and is at an age now where he will question not having been told earlier.  Now is the right time

Answer 11

Hm... this is a hard one.... do you even have a picture of his BF?  If you dont then maybe you can describe him to your son. If not then speak to the BF and tell him what your son wants to know.

Have you thought about telling your son that he has met his BF yet? i noticed that they only went to one tournament and there could be a chance that your son wont even rember his BF? maybe....

The best thing in my opinion is to not lie but maybe delay the answer, you can maybe tell him your not sure if you ( as a mom ) are ready for that step, if you arent that is? idk. I am an adoptee myself and not having that parent there in my life made me feel a bit empty , kinda like i didnt know who i was exactly.  Also you are the mom so you get to decide when to do things and at what pace they need to go at, you know your son and only you no one on here know him and what he is able to handle at this time. good luck!

Answer 12

If you show him a photo, then you may as well try to set up a controlled meeting of some kind (if that's even possible). Because you're pretty much guarenteeing an 'uncontrolled' meeting... even if your son doesn't aproach his birth father, it will make seeing him and being ignored extremely painful. If you can't have them meet or you don't want the birth father in his life, I would guard all of this information very closely until he's quite a bit older, and can understand that he (as a person) isn't being rejected.

I think it's going to be hard no matter what - but it sounds like you're trying to do this in the best possible way. He's lucky to have you and your husband as 'real' parents.

Answer 13

I would tell him anything he wants to know.

Have you ever watched a game show and they go to commercial right during the best part and you just want to fastforward it? I would think it's kinds like that. He want's to see what's in the next case, but this is real life. I'd imagine it's 1000X more intense.

If he knows you're keeping secrets, it's going to hurt him. Let him trust you.

If you don't tell he'll fill it in on his own, first it'll be the neighbor, then the guy from the store maybe a teacher, and it might not stop until he knows. I was like that until I met my sister after meing separated for 20 years. I always thought I saw someone who lookied like my family. Turned out she looked nothing like anyone in my family. But my imagination ran wild.

ETA- By all means I would DO IT. You can give him a chance to know his other father, and not have to wait until he's an adult and wishing he knew him sooner. You have all the power here. Time is precious and God fobid something happen to his other father before he got to have a relationship with him, well, I can't even imagine what that would be like.

I think you know what's right here, you just need some support. Good Luck!! I'll pray you find the words to tell him.

Answer 14

You should deffiently tell him everything he wants to know about his father, but maybe don't tell him too much because he is only 6 years old.

Answer 15

Every child should know the true facts and when they are asking questions is the time to answer with the truth.

Have his father's Parents Rights been relinquished or terminated? Because his Father is a Father unless his parental rights have been ended. He is not a birth father if he continues to maintain parental rights...

And He should Know the people he is in contact with even casually...  Goodness.... if he is in TaekWonDo meets with his biological father he should be aware of that fact. I am sure his FATHER watches him during these encounters--so instead of allowing your little boy to get looked at by strange men--he should understand the fact that the strange man is in fact his father...

*** I am sorry if I offended you that wasn't my intention. I would just think there could be an odd feeling if a man were watching me and that man knew he was my parent--but I didn't because I was told I had a birth father... and what ever details went with the story of how I got a birth father.

Just a while back someone here wrote about an arrange donar who had signed over rights--contacting lawyars and wanting to restore the parental relationship after 7 years... I suppose I just don't get why a child doesn't know their parents name and have a picture if at all possible.  Espicially if they are going to run into each other... and you said, if you tell him the last name, or show him a picture he will remember and most 6 year olds would not remember grown men from a meet a month ago...

I just wouldn't want my litte boy (6) out there dealing with the attention of a grown man--or the wondering of who his father is... a lot of adopted people report stories of walking around wondering if they are running into biological family members and I guess sometimes it is more true then we give credit.