My son told me he hated me?

Question

I'm in extreme tears right now. The first time I've shed a tear since my father passed away five years ago. My 20 year old son just told me he hated me. His mother and I divorced when he was four, and he spent his practically his whole life living with his mom. He rarely ever came to visit me. When he did, he talked back to me, and when I disciplined him (taking away something of his), he'd tell me that his mom never did such things to him. I thought he had matured since he graduated high school.

I also have a 17 year old son that is going to be a senior in high school this year. He's stayed with me more than with his mother, and he's never talked back to me at all. My 20 year old son just left to go back to his apartment about an hour ago, and before he left he told me he hated me. I always wanted to be as close as possible to both my sons. I love them both an unlimited amount. My 20 year old's words are stinging like a million bee stings. I just can't get over that he told me he hated me.

Answer 1

Well sounds like him mother isn't really a good mother.

Answer 2

Don't be pushy maybe with time things will resolve. It's going to be really hard over the next months or years but you have to show him that you love him just by being there for him when he needs you. I had a daughter do the same thing and it has taken years for her to mature and realize that things happen to marriages sometimes and people just can't stay together for the kids. I would phone her once a week just to make contact and ask her how things were going without offering my opinions unless they were asked for and most times they weren't since she really wasn't interested in anything I had to say. Sometimes my phone calls were very short. " I just wanted to know how you're doing and a quick I love you" at the end.

Answer 3

he probably was very pissed i told my dad i wanted him to die i got so mad and guess what within 2 years he did and i was 15 now 16

dont take it personally he loves you  

Answer 4

Im so very sorry to hear that, thats horrible.

Best of luck, im sure he doesnt really hate you.

hate is a strong word.

Answer 5

I can tell you exactly why he said that. My parents divorced. I ended up living with my father. My mother arranged to see me about 4 times a year. Keep in mind your son was a child and couldnt just decide for himself to go see you. Why didnt you go get him more often? You had that opportunity, you were the adult.

I dont care for my mother at all as a result of her neglect of me. It is the adult's responsibility to nurture the relationship with the child who has no power especially if the other parent is telling that child the absent parent does not love him.

If you want to save this relationship you will have to dig deep with your son.

Answer 6

That's so sad... I don't believe that he really hates you, though. That probably was his way of letting stress out. All you can do is just love him. Pay attention to him and try to be part of his life. Talk to him and tell him you love him every chance you get.

Best Wishes!

Answer 7

I don't know what words of comfort I can give you, but I will tell you what my 19 year old daughter tells me when she hurts me with her horrible words like she hates me - she tells me "they're only words mom; it's not like I really mean it". I try to tell her regardless of the intention it doesn't make it feel any better. After having her tell me for 7 years that she hates me I've learned to not take it so hard even though it still hurts. I know she loves me and try to take comfort in that.  

Answer 8

he is not going to realize how much he is going to bite his words. I dont believe he hates you. He is probably having trouble with something that he cannot speak to you about. probably something having to do with his childhood and he is still living with it. I know it hurts but your son needs to learn how to respect you. If he doesnt want to talk to you and he continues to disrespect you like that, there isnt much that you can do. He will regret what he has done to you over the years, trust me. He will more than likely apologize but you have another son that you need to take care of. Focus on him.

EDIT:

your son should be able to respect you and appreciate what you have done for him. Though my mother has gotten on my nerves in the past, i could not utter those words. No they are not just words like someone said. Words have meaning and definition. Hate is no better than him saying I wish you were dead or I want to kill you. Hate is a powerful word and even if you really are so angry, "i hate you" is something that just doesnt slip. Your son is boiling with anger. Ask your son what the problem is. Then tell your son that if he feels that way then he doesnt have to worry about you again. He will have to learn how to respect you. I know that you love your son but you really do need to put your foot down and show him tough love, even at 20. No child should go around saying such things to their parents. Since he hates you, let him take care of himself and not ask you for anything.

Answer 9

He might have just said it out of anger....Did u do anything wrong while he was over at your house.....Did you say something rude about his mom girlfriend etc...that's the only reason i can think of...but don't get to worried about it I'm sure he didn't mean it =)