My spouse informed me i need to work?

Question

I have stayed home for the past four years because he did not want our four year old to go to daycare. And i had lupus. He is under some strain because he lost his job he got another job but his ex wife is taking him back to court for child support. Every time i tried to work he said no. Now he is saying i have been asking you to work for along time. And telling me if i do not get the job that makes the most money he will be mad. i went to school and i have a degree but i do not like that field. he isnt threatening to leave but he is saying if i love him i will make the most money. i feel like i am being used.

He also made fun of me because i have been depressed because im still grieveing the loss of a stillborn. it has been a year but he says its been a year i dont want to hear nothing else about it. you will get the job that makes the most money.

how should i feel?

Answer 1

In this day and age, you need at least two incomes per household to sustain yourself and your family.  Nothing wrong with helping him out although his demands for you to get a job that "makes the most money" makes him sound unreasonable.  You should find a job you actually like, not what he wants you to have.

Answer 2

get the job make good money leave his @ss sounds like that's the plan //

Answer 3

um unless it was agreed upon by both parties that you would be a stay at home mom, you shouldn't expect a free ride.  Ever thought that maybe your husband might want a d**n break too?  I read your other question.  To me it sounds like you are using every excuse to not work.   I lost one child to being still born, and one in the 2nd semester.  I still work, and find every chance I can get to contribute to our family.  Yes it's fine to be a stay at home mother.  But what your doin is whining cuz you husband wants you to get off your @ss and be a person again.  Yes you have the right to grieve.  But if it's starting to affect your relationship, that wake up lady, get help.  

as for him not wanting to talk about the stillborn, you do realize most men wont talk about such problems, for a few reasons, one cuz they know nothing about such things and how to deal with them, and 2 cuz they dont know how to process their pain, and yours.  grieving takes time.  If you been depressed for a year, and still cant function right, you seriously need help.

Ok, I just finished the rest of your lil story.  To me, you sound like a spoiled lil princess.  You have a degree but dont like the field.  seriously, in this day of age, one is d**n lucky to be working at what they love.  Get a job, and help your man pay the bills.  Your husband is the  one that is being used here.

Answer 4

He supported you for 4 years and you need to get a job now. BUT you need to find a job you like. He is wrong to bring up the lose of you child to make you feel guilty and what not. You need to talk to him and express what you want as well. You will have to work reguardless so just get use to that idea now. stay possitive and hopefully things work out. you should feel mad thought about him giving you the guilt trip.  

Answer 5

If the two of you agreed on you staying home, and now he's turning it around to make out like you're being a burden....don't allow him to twist that so you begin to believe it and begin to feel like a burden. He's being incredibly selfish. For the last 4 years you have dedicated yourself to raising the child the two of you created together and likely to making a beautiful home for him and said child. It is not your fault that his ex is requesting more child support. That would be the day that I'd get a job to pay $ to an ex wife. s***w that. It's his mess, he should clean it up with the ex, not automatically expect you to pick up his slack. Don't feel bad about still working through the grieving process for the baby you lost. Everyone is different. Eventually you will get to a point of acceptance and serenity with what happend, but you'll never forget and it's just reality that, as a man, he cannot fully understand the gravity of what has happened to you....yet the fact remains that he should be compassionate and respectful despite not fully knowing where you're at emotionally. Don't let him bully you with the guilt of "If you loved me you'd....." That's bullshit. If he loved you, he'd not even say that or use that kind of manipulation. He's being selfish. If you desire to stay home and be a mother in that way to your child, then do so. Don't allow him to push you out of your chosen way of parenting. You will resent him greatly in the long run....and you won't be happy or fulfilled with your parenting experience. Good luck to you.  

Answer 6

Well, maybe its time you surprised your man and went out and did just what it is he thinks you should. It could be, that he is exaggerating the expectation that you make the most money but if you have a degree, maybe you are the one who can potentially make more money than he. This is difficult to judge, as you do not mention what his job/profession is. Nor do you mention your qualifications. Whatever the case may be, realistically, you should be pursuing work that you feel you can handle and in an area you feel comfortable and confident. It is true that the busier you are, the less time you will spend dwelling on past issues. So starting work may prove quite beneficial for you as you start mixing with other people, meeting new people and establishing yourself in the workforce, especially if you are doing something you like. Despite having a negative attitude towards work related to the area in which you studied, it might be time to at least give it a go. You might surprise yourself, as well as your husband. There is always the possibility that once you start a job, other more interesting doors will open for you, You have to start somewhere and it would appear that now might be a good time to give it a go.

Answer 7

Feel like you are being used?  he supported you for 4 years, have you lost your whole mind.  If finances need to be made, then you need to get up and find you a job.  it may not make more than his, for him to stress you out with that is a little ridiculous, but you should have no problem going out into the work force.  Its wrong for him to make you feel bad about your child that died, yes and its it wrong for him to keep telling you, you have to have make more than him, but I do think you should feel perfectly fine with going out and finding a job.

Answer 8

Nothing wrong with going back to work and helping the family income, but his attitude clues you in as to why his first marriage broke down.  The man, according to what you have written, is insensitive and controlling.

Answer 9

Sounds like you need to get a job to help support the family.  There is no reason you cannot work at this point.  Getting out of the house and into the workforce may also help you get you to stop thinking so much about the your loss of your baby.  It will keep your mind busy and occupied at least during the work day.  If you have a degree you should put it to use and even though you may not enjoy the field it is the least you can do to help your family out financially.  I don't see how you would feel used by his request.  Currently he is out working to support the family while you stay home...do you consider that using him?

Answer 10

This sounds like he's under some serious stress and pressure, and taking it out on you. You both should try to talk to someone about the marriage. In the meantime, yes you should be working. If you have a degree, get out there and use it. Do what the rest of us do, find a job that you can tolerate, and make the most out of it.  

Answer 11

first of all... I don't think that a women should let a man support them.. EVER!!

That is messed up though that he is making fun of you for the still born that you had.. it is different for him because he didn't have to go through what you did... I'm very sorry that you had to go through that.

why get a degree if you are not gonna use it... you are throwing money away  

Answer 12

You're still mourning the loss of your stillborn child. I also lost a child, stillborn, and even now, 23 years later, still mourn his loss. Your husband is not supportive, nor caring. You need a doctor's help to try to move on...and a more compassionate husband!

Answer 13

i dont understand how YOU could feel used, you havent worked in 4 years!! he needs financial help, hes asking you for it. it is your job to help out...not a big deal to me!

Answer 14

get a job but a job you like and can live with. it will give you independence from him. he is a jerk for making fun of you because of the stillborn. are you sure the job thing is the only thing wrong in this relationship?

Answer 15

omg. my husband wants me to get a job as well and i have a degree in a field that i don't like, but you know what? i need to get a job to help him support our household just like you do. sucks, but it's true.

Answer 16

How dare he make fun of you for something so awful? Yeah he is using you big time. Only someone who is all about the money would dare to demand you work or hes out. Thats the most ridiculous thing Ive ever heard. How can your husband be so cruel to you? Leave his ***

Answer 17

Looks like the free ride's over.

Answer 18

here's what I think...

you tell that loser to tell his ex wife to get a freakin' job...a dang good one...he's to treat her like c**p, not you...

that's the truth...!!!

so, you sit there, and make him get out and get a better job, that's what you do...  he's acting like a freakin' cry baby...  he's to get a better job to take care of his child, that loser...

good luck!  don't get a job, what's he gonna do, leave, and have to pay you child support too?  lol!

don't let him threaten you...sit there, and just take care of the house...  make HIM get the better job...!

if you go out and get a job, he's not going to get a better job...make him work, girl...  he's the man...

if you do get a little part time job, is he going to help with your child with him, dishes, house duties...laundry, cooking???

I doubt it!

with his attitude I'd remain sittin' on my butt...  you are his wife...

=)

Mary

Answer 19

he is nag why he talks like that ,sorry for the stil born i also lost my baibe its now 4 months ago en i still have the pains en for sure men are like pigs my husband did not feel anything en when i talk about it he sayd its as if iam the only woman who has lost a child en its normal,i feel bad anyway you need to workk not coz he told no no coz u want to support ur kid en dont help him with his ex  things ..be happy en smile  

Answer 20

Soon as your child starts school which should be soon. Get a job then. He will now be in school as a full time kinder and you could work while the child is in school.

Answer 21

Leave him! HE SOUNDS LIKE AN ***