My step daughter is only 14 and told me all the bad things she's done. Should I tell her father?

Question

My step daughter is only 14 and told me she's already had s*x with more than one man (older men) and that she sometimes drinks and smokes weed. I'm only 10 years older than her and she sees me as a good friend and listens to me (most of the time) so I tried to steer her in the right direction without scolding her but I'm concerned she's going to end up in trouble if I didn't get through to her. She's going through some rough times right now with her mother. Her mother and father don't talk so he doesn't know what's going on but she also told me about her mothers recent alcohol addiction, she physically abuses her daughters, and is dating a man who berates her children. Should I tell her father or should I discreetly get her into counseling. I'm afraid if I tell him he'll yell at her, embarrass her, and make things worse and also that she may not trust me anymore.

Answer 1

she will totally hate u if u do that believe me

Answer 2

I think since she's confided in you she's shown she trusts you, and at 14 would probably see you telling her father as a betrayal of that trust. It will have taken her a lot to talk to you in the first place, so why not sit try and sit down and talk to her about it, highlighting why what's she's doing is wrong and where it could lead her, and especially how much danger she's putting herself in sleeping with older men. Concentrate on how she feels about it too, and maybe ask if any of her friends do similar things, because even if her friends have not been trying to pressure her she can still feel pressured to copy their behavior. You don't have to tell her off to make your point, and staying calm, as you seem to have been doing, if usually the best option.

Sorry for giving such a long answer, hope it helped (:

Answer 3

i'm a step parent also and don't understand how it went from step DAUGHTER to step FRIEND. she needs a mother not a friend. that's what she has other 14 year olds for. i also don't see anything gained by taking her to counseling behind her fathers back. she should be yelled at. also, you really don't know what her mother is like. my 16 year old step daughter lies like a rug. also, it seems the communication is strained and i'm sorry but you will end up being the cause. she is craving attention. these things she brags about probably were never done. start thinking like she's a daughter not a friend

Answer 4

If you do she will resent you.

Encourage her to talk to her father.

Answer 5

she won't trust you believe me!  (if you tell about the s*x/alcohol/weed)

but she's got u in a bit of a situation here. i mean you obviously love your husband/partner and when you're in a relationship you don't really want to be keeping secrets like that.

i would talk to him about her mum, it could well be the cause of all these things she's doing and putting herself into situations like that.

but if you tell him about what she's done she won't forgive you  even if she does manage to forgive you she won't trust you.

she obviously trusts you if she came to you, so encourage her to talk to her dad about these things. and talk to him about her mum.

good luck  

Answer 6

Hey,u can do one thing.Just,dont allow her to be alone.Try to spent the maximum time with her.If possible emcourage her in aerobics or go for counselling centres

Answer 7

Thats a tough one. She trusts you and u shouldnt break that trust cause u may be the only person she feels open to talk to.So i say dont say it. If she really is going through hard times then be her friend she can condfide in.

Answer 8

No, don't tell him. It's like when someone goes to church to confess, the priest doesn't tell anyone. She confided in you, so just listen for now. You can help her by trying to convince her to talk to her dad and then you can convince her dad to take her somewhere for help. You can't take her to see a counselor because you're not her legal guardian.  

Answer 9

I think you need to sit down as a family and talk about the whole situation.  This way it does not look like you are the tattle tale or that you are keeping secrets from your husband.  

I do believe that your step daughter needs to see a counselor.  

I do think your husband will appreciate the honesty instead of hiding things from him.

Answer 10

Your stepdaughter? I assume you are with her mother, but you don't know about her drinking problem? It does not make sense. It is not your stepdaughter!! Anyway, just help her and yes tell her father.

Answer 11

Encourage her to talk to her dad

Answer 12

Get her into counseling - and get her on the pill if she's going to continue having s*x with men.

Answer 13

dont tell her father. she trusts you thats why she told you. dont get her into counselling either. talk to her . let her open up to you . and try and convince her these things arent good.

maybe she didnt even do all the things she told you anyway and dads always blow stuff like that out of proportion.

Answer 14

Since your her step mother... you shouldn't tell anything to her father. It will make things worse.. Simple reason she trust you now. If you tell her father she will lose her trust and in frustration she may do lot of worst things. Instead talk to her guide her to right way....just be creative it is easy for you to help her then her father. With little bit of patience from you side you can help improve her life and help her avoid bad things. Try to strengthen your and her relation and it will make things easier. You are kind of lucky cuz step daughter generally dint become very friendly to their step mother. So its kind of an opportunity for binding with her.  

Answer 15

This 14yr old girl is just a child and it appears she is being abused by older men...it's great that she is able to talk to you, she needs someone to guide her onto the right road. What you need to do is encourage her to talk to her dad but tell her you will be with her when she does this , if her father doesn't handle it very well you must still support her all the way, she needs someone on her side. Even though you are only a few years older than her , it would be better if you try to be the mother she doesn't seem to have..don't become her best friend she needs a mother to guide her..It's not going to be easy to deal with this..you are going to need lots of patients , calmness, and the foresight she is to young to have.

Answer 16

You cannot play the "friend" role just because you are close to her in age.  You married her father, and although you want to maintain a positive relationship with her, you need to tell her father.  She is being destructive to herself and probably following the path of her mother....alchoholism is hereditary, and so is the destructive behavior if arent head strong.  Do you tell her she is wasting her time on this?  Do you laugh about it when she talks with you?  Let her know her actions arent funny, and that YOU are loosing respect for HER because of it.  Be strong, and bold.

Answer 17

You want answers. Then tell her she is heading her way to being a S****y ole crack ho by the time she is 18.

Or maybe she is just winding you up because you are gullible. Teenagers can make up all sorts of things to appear shocking.

Answer 18

I would definitely tell her father, BUT I would work things out whereas I (the step mother) would still handle the issue. Now that you and her father are married she is not just his child but yours also. If she feels more comfortable talking to you than him, than your the line of communication for the family. I would never recommend that you keep anything from your spouse because if anything bad happened to her it would be partially your fault because you knew what was going on. Communication is the foundation to any relationship. So if she openly communicates with you and you in Thorn with him ( even though it's without her knowledge) your family will be in harmony with each other and you (step mom) would be taking sides but looking out for the best interest of you entire family.

Answer 19

I would and have a long talk with her.

Answer 20

Its a tough situation, you dont want to ruin ur relationship with her nor be the reason for ur husband to yell at his daughter (this will make him resent you) i think what you could do is convince her that talking to her father about some of the things that she s not proud of and maybe leave out the things that might make him explode.

See what is making her do all these things whether its stress or a personal problem and work from there this way her relationship with her father will be stronger where he ll be solving her problems and not just berating her for her actions.

Good luck i am your age and know how difficult it is being in a situation similar to this

Answer 21

I would encourage her as well as you can without telling her father....if you do she will see it as betraying her trust and then you will be anouther person she dosnt talk to so oftern

Answer 22

If she is 14 and engaged in sexual behavior with adult men, she is a victim of Statutory Rape. Her behavior is going to get her into more trouble, not only with herself but possibly with the law.

The sooner she gets help and put these "men" behind bars, the better off she will be.

This isn't a trust issue, it's a legal and moral issue. Talk to her father immediately. She needs help NOW.

Answer 23

Don't tell her father. She'll lose trust in you!

therefore she'll get in more trouble and not tell you, encourage her to tell her dad

Answer 24

I am a young female and i know if i told my stepmother something in trust and she went and told it i would be mad! just think about it what if she REALLY needs you one day and now she wont trust u to talk to

Answer 25

Don't tell. she'll know its you. just do the best you can without being forceful, like you would with a friend

Answer 26

Definitely get her into counseling, before the possible consequences of her foolish actions bite her in the tochis. Of course her father has a right to know what's going on, HE is her parent and it's not like she's just doing typical kid things...the things she is doing could be harmful or deadly.

She needs to learn to make better choices, and if she's going to make stupid ones there could be repercussions and they will be up to her to deal with. She'll have no reason to stop her behavior if she believes someone will bail her out if she screws up. Hopefully though, counseling will help her look at her life in a different way and help her to see it's preferable to make better choices.