My stepchildren (5&7) feel they do not have to listen to me, only to their Dad, how do I get the respect?

Question

My stepson's feel I have no right to tell them what to do. They repeatedly talk back to me and always tell me no or that they only have to listen to their Father. They have absolutly no respect for me and are only nice to me when it is convenient for them. I donot want to spank them but even when I put them in a Time-out they will walk right away, throw a fit, or start hitting and kicking to do whatever they can to get away. How do I gain the respect and control in my own house? I love them and only want what is best for our family.

Answer 1

Just be really nice to them, but if the children start to try to walk all over you, don't get onto them, tell your husband, i know that if i had a step mom i would not like her for a long time no matter who she is!

The kids don't want you to replace their mom, just try to be their friend first and then they might show some respect.

Just remember not to get onto them not around their dad, because that just tells them that you are mean and don't want your husband to know that you are getting on to them.

If you want to put them in time-out then every time they get up just grab their arm firmly (but not where it will hurt) and walk (or carry them) to the time-out station every time they get up, and tell them that every time that they get up you are going to give them an extra minute. But the most important thing is to not show any sign of frustration because that is exactly what they want from you.

~Sorry for my answer being so long, Good Luck!!!~

Tia G.

Answer 2

Their father needs to step up and co-parent more.  For one, he needs to sit down with his boys and say that you must be obeyed and respected, and that if he hears that they have disrespected you while he is not present, there will be consequences.

Also, when their father is home, he should let you do the disciplining some of the time instead of doing it himself.  When the kids see you disciplining and their father agreeing, it will start to sink in.

As to the time-out - so what if they walk away or throw a fit?  You keep putting them right back in time out!  These are battles you *must* win.

And lastly, these children are probably hurting very much.  It's hard on kids when their parents divorce, and even harder when they remarry (trust me, I know).  Maybe if you find something special for you and each of the two boys to do individually, you can build a relationship and open a dialogue over time.

Answer 3

Demand it from them!!  You need to sit them down with the support of their father and TELL them...."I am not going anywhere, I am here to stay.  This is my house and you are welcome in it.  The rules here are made by your father and I and I will not stand for the disrespect.  I love you with all of my heart and want the best for you, but I will not stand for a 5 and 7 year old running my household.  You will listen to me or there will be consequences."  FOLLOW THROUGH!!!  Speak with your husband before hand and let him know your feelings and ask him to help you come up with a solution.  Ask him to stand by you instead of giving into their every whine or whimper.  He needs to know as well as they do that it is not going to happen in your house.  You are the adult and they are the children.

I had this same talk with my husband and his daughter when we first got together.  She told me that I wasn't her mommy and that she didn't have to listen to me.  I turned right around and told her that I was the "Mommy" in this household and she would listen to me.  If not she would spend a lot of time in a room with no toys or tv sitting all by herself.  She tried it only a couple of time and I followed through.  Now almost 6 years later, she spends more time cuddling with me on the couch than she does her dad.  We only get her for visitation on school breaks and summer breaks so it is minimal time we get to spend with her.  She knows the rules.  She knows there are chores and she knows that there are consequences and rewards to her behavior.  When she behaves and gets her chores done, she gets a special movie with daddy or shopping with me.   We still have flare ups every once in a while, but we just have the same discussion we had almost 6 years ago.

The key is to DEMAND the respect and FOLLOW THROUGH on what you have told them is going to happen.  You don't have to yell and you don't have to disrespect them. ( I know how frustrating it is, trust me) Just be firm and tell them firmly what I explained before.  When you sit them down, let them know the consequences before hand so they know what to expect.  And when they kick and hit and yell and scream, ignore it........don't let it bother you!! (hard to do, been there, done that)  it all works out in the end.  Ask your hubby for his support and to not undermind you when you have disciplined the kids.

Answer 4

You can't.They are kids.

Wait till they grow up

Answer 5

You need dad to step in and back you up. He needs to make it clear to his boys that you do have parental authority and what you say goes. The boys need to know that their dad will be told about their behavior and it will be addressed. They have to know that you and their dad are a parental unit and deserve respect individually or as a team. Dad needs to reinforce the rules you have and back you up every single time. Talk to dad so he knows what the situation is and together you can come up with consistent rules. If the boys know that dad is going to side with you every single time it will be much easier to get the boys in line. Good luck.

Answer 6

When they disrespect you, you put them in time out, and if they walk away, just keep putting them back until they stay (for one minute for every year of they're age) You don't have to be rough, just calmly and quietly carry them back. It's exhausting the first couple tiime outs you do this, i know, but it's worth it because they'll stop trying to get away after a while. Then, when their time is up, you get to their eye level and say "I know I am not your mother, but this is my house too, and when you're in it, you have to respect me and do what I say." Then ask them what they did wrong, and keep them there until they tell you. Then make them apologize and say they're sorry before you let them go.

Answer 7

you cant be there mom and you will just make them go mad if you try to be

honestly all you can be is there friend

Answer 8

Your husband needs to set them down and explain in no uncertain terms that they are to listen to you in your home.  If he doesn’t back you up you will have little success taming them and getting them to respect you.  It is all in his hands - either he supports you and shows his respect for you by demanding their respect as well - or he doesn’t respect you and shows it by letting them continue to disrespect you.

Answer 9

Your their step mom, not their real mom. They dont have to listen to you at all, just respect you

Answer 10

How old were they when they became your step children?  And, how does their father act when he is enforcing rules you have made?  

Both of these make a difference in the way that the children will respond to you.  If dad makes it clear, either through words or actions that the kids do not need to listen to you- they won't.  Make sure he backs you on anything you tell the kids to do.

Second, follow through with whatever it is that you say.  If you tell them 5 times to stop jumping on the couch or they will have to be in time out- do it.  (However, limit your requests to TWO- one warning, and a second request to make sure they heard you- then ACT, and do what you said you would).  The largest reason that children do not listen is because "talk is cheap"- you need to show a child that you mean business by following through.  Even if they run out of time out, you take them back each time.  If you do not follow through with consequences, they will walk all over you every time.  My children rarely test anymore when I give a directive, because they know that I will follow through with consequences after two requests.  It keeps the nagging to a minimum, and they know they'd better move it, or lose a privelege.  You don't have to spank- and I'd recommend against it... my kids have had less than 5 spankings in their lifetimes (they are 9 and 4), and I am proud to take them in public (and they are often complemented by strangers for their superb behavior).  Follow-through is by far the easiest thing you can do to gain control.  Yes, it takes a lot of work in the beginning, because you will have to make sure to take them back to time out EVERY time, or reinforce your directive with another consequence, EVERY time... but after your step kids get the idea that you mean what you say, it will be smooth sailing.