My stepmom knows more about me than my dad ever will?

Question

Before i was born he left. He said he never wanted me as a daughter. Well my mom passed away in 2006. So i decided i wanted to get to know my dad. I met up with him in March for the first time since i was a little kid. I am 16 now. My step mom knew more about me than he did. And it kinda ticked me off. My step mom has called once to see how i was doing. And i email her like once a month on myspace. I would like to get to know my dad but it seems like he doesn't care which is fine with me but he didn't even know when my birthday was or how old i was turning this year but my step mom did. What would you do if you were in my situation?

Answer 1

Unfortunately there are some fathers (and mothers) who are just like that.  You are their child and yet they treat you as if you don't exist or they have no attachment to you.  Sadly, some don't.  

I'm glad you would like to get to know your dad.  If he's had little contact with you it doesn't surprise me that he couldn't remember your birthday.  It's not right and it hurts but you are probably just a blur to him.  It hurts you but right now you do not have a relationship with him so there are no memories for him to fall back on.  If he doesn't want a relationship with you it sucks.  But as much as it hurts to know that I would continue honoring your step mom and appreciating her.   Avoid setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt by expecting too much from your dad.

Move on with your own life and don't keep your hopes up too high with expectations that your dad is going to want a relationship any time soon.  I'm very sorry to say that but I've seen it happen many times.  The young teen longs to have their dad (or mom) in their lives but the parent has moved on and no longer feels a connection.

Addendum:

You may not like the fact that your step mom knows more about you than your dad but that is just the way it is.  You can choose to allow it to upset you and hold it against your dad hoping he will try and change or you can accept it  that that is just the way life is for you.

Answer 2

Send him a letter with details about your life. He should read it, and then he'd know more about you. Send him another and so forth and eventually he'll know more about you than your stepmom.

Answer 3

You say it's fine with you if he doesn't care, yet you're posting here because you know what?  You do care. We all do. We all crave our parents' love and then are bewildered when one of them doesn't love us.  It doesn't make sense.  I don't know why your dad is how he is, but you have a stepmother who does care. You probably have other friends/relatives that care. Your dad will never change. He is what he is, and for whatever reason, your mom and him created you.  Enjoy and love the ones who love you. Be friends with your stepmom. Enjoy her relationship. You might find that you need her more than you realize.  Forget your dad. He's not worthy of your heart.

Answer 4

At least your step mom cares enough to know things about you. That should count for something.

Answer 5

You have to just realize that we get the parents we get. Some of us get really good ones and you got a sperm donor for a Dad. He probably doesn't want anything to do with you because he will be responsible financially. He's probably selfish and doesn't want to have to pay for anything for you. Your Step Mom is probably a very nice person and she would like to have a relationship with you. Wherever you are living, I would just make the best of it. Your Dad might want to have a relationship with you when you are about 25 and won't ask him for anything. Some people are just selfish this way. It's not your fault. You just got a crummy sperm donor for a Dad. Smile and be happy. When you get married, adopt your husband's parents as your own. They will love it!

Answer 6

One of the ways we all deal with problems is we pretend they don't exist.

Now that you have faced some of the world on your own I'm sure you can understand this at least a little.

When we don't know what to say or how to approach someone it can be so much easier to just ignore them.  As for remembering dates and such... well if my love for my family depended on that, they would think I don't care - and I definitely DO.

Your Dad may not care.. then again maybe he really does but just can't face the torture of establishing a relationship with a young woman who may bring a lot of new stresses into a possibly already stressed life.

You know Teenage boys are complicated ... well we older men are even more so... we just don't sound it or look it.

It'll hurt you if he can't face that budding friendship... but you'll never know how good it could have been if he is waiting for you to break the ice. It might help if you write him a letter - but don't try to force a reply out of him, that might be too much.  Just chill, if he plucks up the courage to see you more then good.  If not then maybe when he's older too he might be able to handle it more.

[UPDATE] 'Simply Devine' : you're so right .. we men so often wait for the women we love to lead in emotional matters.

Answer 7

I seriously encourage you to have a relationship with your dad. This might help the both of you to find closure and get you on better terms with one another. I don't know what your dads situation was like when he left so I can't judge him. Be mindful that a lot of situations go wrong when peoples have selfish expectations. After it goes wrong the stubbornness that keeps it from coming back together has a lot to do with the lack of support or bad influence from others around. Reach out to your dad every opportunity you get and kill him with kindness. Your dad might feel like it is an impossible situation and doesn't know where to begin. That doesn't mean he does not love you he just doesn't know how to express his feelings. Trust me your dad probably knows more than you think he is just so afraid of confronting your questions about why he wasn't there for you. Some men run from their troubles other get motivated so that is why I told you to make the first step. In no way am I taking up for your dad I'm just trying to get you to have an open mind and see a bigger picture. Embrace your relationship with your step mom because it is a blessing in disguise. You also might try reaching your dad through your step mom.