My teenage daughters' father is being swayed to slowly cut them out of his life. What to do?

Question

My ex , a basically good man, is being swayed by his girlfriend that if his kids don't want to include her in their plans then he should not see them at all. They do not like her and so slowly his spending time with them is becoming a twice a month thing though he lives five minutes from here. I have pointed this out but to no avail and the kids do want to confront him, just saying it is clear he has chosen her over them. Should i keep bothering to push it or should i just let it drop? I am worried it is hurting their self image to have a dad who is so cavalier, but he has always been a very self centered person so it is not much different from when he lived with us. (reason i left him in fact!) I am concerned that he will soon be apart of their past not their present or future.

Answer 1

You have already informed your ex of your concerns.

Calling your ex out "for the sake of the children" is a noble cause, but . . . quite frankly, this is not your battle.

Your ex will make decisions about how to allocate his time and if the children take issue, believe that they will express them to him and he will make his own judgment calls.

Let me put it like this.  If this man decides to never see his children again because of a woman, well good riddance.  Your children will see him for what he is.  

You can't make grown people do what YOU want them to do.  

Let them be and make choices, even when you might have a good idea where the road leads.

Answer 2

All you can do is what you've already done... talk to him.  If he chooses not to play a significant part in their lives there is nothing that anyone can do to change it but him.  

How long have you guys been divorced?  If it has been a reasonable amount of time, I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing for him to be seeing someone.  There is nothing wrong with moving on.  Have you talked to your daughters about why they don't like her?  Is it just because she is with their dad or do they have something more concrete that's rational?  I'm not saying that your daughters should be expected to be best buds with her or anything, but they might consider at least getting to know her.  The reality of divorce is that the parents will, in most cases, begin to date other people.  While it's not ideal and the kids may not want it to be that way, they should at least make an effort to get along.  They are limiting their time with him to a point by their unwillingness to include their father's girlfriend in their activities.  What will they do if the two of them marry?  Will they never visit because she is there?  There is room here for both your ex and your children to rethink their situation.  If they can all remain open minded, I believe they can come to a compromise that will work for everyone.

Answer 3

I would just try to be supportive of your daughters. They have a right to confront him and should let him know how much he is hurting them. I would not get involved beyond being as supportive of the girls as possible, and be there when they talk to him  

Answer 4

what a nasty women your ex's girlfriend is.  very insecure and selfish

if you have already talked to him and he won't change his ways, there is nothing more you can do.  he is hurting the children and is too stupid right now to see the big picture.

it's up to you to be super mom and super dad and fill in the gaps where he is failing.  

i know you are concerned that he will soon be a part of their past.  that is his very bad choice.  your job is to focus solely on the children and make up for their failing father.  it's not fair to anyone, but he has to change.  

Answer 5

The problem arises, you say, only when "his kids don't want to include her in their plans".  So, include her.  Problem solved.  You spend a lot of time blaming your ex, but his kids are as much to blame for not spending time together as he is, because they are creating conditions for seeing them.

Answer 6

both you andyour ex (seperate of course) have to sit the children down and explain to them that this woman is in his life and they really need to try to get along with her...especially if they have a serious relationship going plus are planning a future together..

i dont think he has chosen her over them, anytime parents seperate its hard on the kids and their natural instinct is to try not to like the other person their mother/father are with because its not both parents..

maybe talk to your ex and see if every once in a while (not all the time) he could take the kids without the girlfriend and do something with them..

Answer 7

You are doing your ex a favor by sitting down with him and pointing out that he is slowly alienating his children.  Explain to him that this is NOT a jealousy issue of his girlfriend, because after all it was YOU who left HIM.  But let him know that although it may not seem like a big deal now, he's ruining any chance of a normal relationship with them later on down the road.  And that if he's actually okay with that, then maybe they're better off without him just as you are.  Is he SURE that he wants to be one of those dads that chooses a girlfriend over his own kids?   Since he's no longer your husband, being a good dad should be his #1 priority.  Dating shouldn't even be in the top 5.

Answer 8

You can't make anyone do anything.  Even if you think its the right thing to do or if it is the right thing to do.  As a man and a father he needs to find the intestinal fortitude to pretty much tell his girlfriend to shut the h**l up about his children or he can kick rocks.  I can understand why she may feel bothered, however, they are children and she isn't even giving them time to get to know her, and maybe they do and don't like her.  She should be woman enough to say, ok, the kids don't want to be around me, but this should not limit their time with their father.  Apparently, she is immature and your ex is a idiot with no balls.  I am sorry for your daughters and hope that their father grows a pair and they get to have the quality time they deserve, desire and need.  I seem to have a different view, but you did say girlfriend, not wife...who is to say she will even be around in a year?  I think that you should let his daughters tell them how they feel and see if they can come up with a compromise.  If not, it think he should be able to spend alone time with his daughters.

Answer 9

The kids need to realize She is a part of his life too! It sounds like they need counseling. He is with her and she makes him happy and the kids are jealous! The kids need to accept her and get along and want her to go do stuff too! She is feeling weired too! Its hard for her too!  

Answer 10

What you need to do is look in your own home as well. Talk to your kids they are just as much at fault. You want this women and your ex to accept the fact that your kids have straight out said they don't like her and don't want her around yet you say nothing about the fact that your kids need to accept this women it works both ways. First off what has the women done wrong to them do they even have a reason for not liking her or are they just jealous and mad at the fact that he has someone. You should try to help the relationship by talking to your kids and correcting them not a grown man who is really not doing anything wrong this is the person he choose to be with and they need to accept that. What happens when you met someone and they don't like him for no good reason are you going to spend your life alone. Parents set the bar not the kids.

Answer 11

well tell him the kids want to see him and talk to him also if the answer is he doesn't care and cares more about his girlfriend then you are going to have some heartbroken kids if  but I guess you have already talked to him so let the kids tell him and bring them closure in their life and love them and hug them through their pain

Answer 12

this is all on him. you have obviously been a great mom by trying to mend things. your kids need to see him for who he really is. this gf could be a fleetingthing but they will always be his kids, so if he cant see that then he doesnt deserve them anyway.

Answer 13

Honestly. You can't make those kids like her. My moms BF, who she is still with, I hate. They've been together for about 7-8 years, and he moved in when I was 9. Don't force them to spend time with her or they learn to resent you. Let your ex know about whats going on. Tell him he needs to accept that the kids don't feel comfortable around this lady and he should respect that and not invite her. He spends all of his time with this woman and he can take out a day or two to spend with his kids.