My uncle is fostering a 10 yr old girl who keeps acting up.... can i offer him any advice?

Question

okay, my uncle and his "spousal equivelent" (gf who lives with him, lol) are fostering a 10 y.o. girl because her parents have problems (theyve had her for about 5 months now). she visited my family for a few days, and now we totaly understand what they're going through.

she's diagnosed with ADHD, so she is super hyper, has absolutely no patience. she wont listen to you....like if you say "go brush your teeth" she'll shrug, say yes, and wont do it. and the crazy thing is.... shes been punished for it, and WONT STOP! she even makes people she doesnt know dislike her, like this time we went to a water park, and this dude was selling us tickets to get in, and she started yelling "HURRY, WE GOTTA GET IN THERE!!!!!" she also interrupts people all the time, and if you ignore her and continue talking she'll yell "EXCUSE MEEE!" over and over! her vocabulary doesnt include "please" or "thank you." and shes incredible bossy and really loud. she'll yell and yell just to get your attention, and

Answer 1

It might be a good idea for your Uncle to get her a full evaluation. Many things are misdiagnosed as ADHD. Other than that some plain old love and compassion would probably help. She is a child for god's sake. It sounds like she has been through h**l and now she is punished constantly for not being what you all expect. Honestly her behavior sounds much like my son. I won't reveal his dx on here but you can email me if you want some info

Answer 2

Wow.  Well, first off, she's probably already feeling extremely vulnerable, beings that she's already been "dumped off" onto these people, and now they're threatening to "dump her off" on someone else.  I can see how she might be feeling pretty unloveable and shamed right about now.  It's probably a whole lot easier for her to push people away, than it would be to get close to them, start caring, and have them dump her off.  

Second, punishment obviously doesn't work.  She's already feeling like c**p.  Worse than c**p.  She's probably wishing the Earth would open up and swallow her whole, if this is the way she's being talked to.  I can understand how shameful her life is right now.  Being punished for keeping herself safe (i.e. keeping people at a distance so that she doesn't have to care about them and get hurt when they dump her off) is really counter productive.

If your Uncle dumps her off on someone else, I sincerely hope he understands the immense amount of damage he's doing to this poor girl who can't possibly do any better than this right now.  It's true that her focus isn't on pleasing you - her focus is on her own personal survival and safety.

If your Uncle has any desire to actually HELP this girl, have him sign up for the parenting reflections from the Beyond Consequences Institute, and buy the book "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control".  That will go a LONG way to repairing his relationship with her, and hopefully get her moving in the right direction, once he has gotten rid of his irrational expectations of her.

Poor girl.  I hope someone eventually cares enough about her to see that she's doing her best, and needs understanding rather than punishment.

Answer 3

Ok, this advice is on a different train of thought than the others who have some great advice but I can really relate to your Uncle's feelings of utter insanity.  Frankly, I think some are being way too hard on you. Your uncle is doing one of the hardest things imaginable and, as I have learned, fostering is often not the fairytale it is depicted.  You feel like you get one issue under control and a deeper one surfaces.  There are days I feel that I am just totally not cut out for some of the trials.  I literally take it day to day.  I make mistakes, and I try harder the next day.  Sometimes I am very unloving-I feel guilt about that and I try a little harder.  Little by little we ARE making progress.  All of us are changing.  There is no miracle cure.  These kids have been deeply hurt and they are suspicious and test limits.  Tell your uncle to hang in there. I feel for the child but I feel for him too. Over time the good days do start to outnumber the horrible ones.  Love is messy.

One little tip I do have is that we put our nephew in Tai Kwon do.   It has really helped his rage.  They teach him respect, discipline, and self control...all things he was greatly lacking.  I can't say enough for the influence it has had on him.  

Anyway, best of luck to your uncle.

Answer 4

Well I definately think its because of ADHD...is she on medication....if not she should be. It should help her focus and understand her actions and how to behave better.

Answer 5

Dear Haley,

Many children in foster care have been removed from their homes due neglect, not just physical abuse. Their scars are not on their skin. These children often have trust issues and have had negative behaviors reenforced over and over as well as the severe emotional scars pertaining to their original abuse or neglect.

Many children who have been NEGLECTED may have only recieved attention from their original caregivers when they misbehaved. To them punishment is a means of getting attention and misbehaving is a way to get it. They have learned to replace "quality time" with negative attention because no one cares about them until they act out. At 10 this habit could have been reenforced in previous placements as well. If these behaviors have disrupted her placements before it has only made her lack of faith that anyone will ever care that much deeper. She is only 10 so you CAN bring it back.

Many foster children who have been neglected are missing certian social skills or ettiquette because no one has taken the TIME to teach them or they have never been anywhere long enough to learn it. Some children also "test" their placements as a way of seeing if THESE people actually care enough to be there when the going gets tough. If your Uncle and his GF really want to help her they need to earn her trust that they won't toss her out like yesterday's newspaper. "Why bother being "good" or "listening" to people who are only going to pass you along to the next family who pretend to care." - quote from a foster child I represented for 3 years before she found a family who cared enough to adopt her at 15.

Your Uncle and his GF should do some extra research into the psychology of the abused and neglected child if they truely want to understand and help this girl. Speak to the SW and ask for help, talk to her GAL or CASA, get her in thereapy if she needs it, spend QUALITY TIME with her, talk and LISTEN to HER and most importantly HAVE PATIENCE and BE THERE.

Remember that she has most likely suffered as a child should never have to. She is a PERSON, just like you, who has been hurt and damaged by the people who were supposed to LOVE her. Show some extra compassion and some empathy for her. Tell your Uncle and his GF to please be patient - she should improve with consistancy, attention and love.

Here are some tips for you to pass along:

1.) Treat her like a person, not a little kid. Talk to her. Listen to her.  She has suffered and deserves a little extra care. She might be shutting down because she feels scared, disrespected, patronized or just hasn't ever had anyone take the time.

2.) Give her some love. Show her a little extra attention. Heap on the praise - a hug and some appreciation  and recognition goes a long way in making a child WANT to please someone. Win her over and she will do her best to please. You catch more flies with sugar...

3.) Be honest. Tell her how misbehaving makes you feel. Children are very sensitive and can tell when you are disappointed - they want your approval. "Susie, when you don't listen to me when I tell you brush your teeth, it makes me feel frustrated because I want you to keep your beautiful smile. You are such a pretty girl." works much better than "Susie, quit being a brat and go brush your teeth. I've told you a hundred times." Explain that respect and trust work both ways!

The first one shows your disapproval, the effects of her behavior and gives her a reason to listen to you. The second one belittles and embarrasses her and will make her feel as though you do not like HER rather than her ACTIONS. Never tell a child that THEY are bad. They are BEING bad. BIG difference.

I hope this helps you understand a little, from the HER perspective. Foster kids NEED someone to be there for them, someone who they can TRUST and RESPECT and won't walk out on them.  I hope YOU will be there for her too. She sounds as though she needs a friend. I think you will find that if you take the time to be her friend you will find out how feirce loyalty is for children who have had none.

I hope this helps and please accept my sincere best wishes to all of you. I hope your Uncle and his GF are able to stick it out and give this girl the love and help she seems to so deperately need. My heart goes out to all of them!

***Please, to ANYONE dealing with children, remember to take a second and think about what it is like to walk in their shoes.***

ETA: Well said, Peaches and Gaia! I was getting worried when I saw some of the other answers!

ETA2: sugarrushsc, shutting this child in a room is ABUSIVE after what she has already been through. Here's how the very advice you gave works out in the case of an abused or neglected child. http://www.mailonsunday.co.uk/news/artic...

Answer 6

Try and understand what she's been through.  She's a foster child and they go through a lot of abuse from their biological family and sometimes foster families.  Maybe counseling would help her and patience.  Children aren't born with manners. . . they're taught.  Have patience. . . be loving and understanding.  Children learn from example.  Good Luck!

Answer 7

Man, this is typical.  I don't know an older child in foster care who doesn't have problems.  Ten years is a long time to be in a home with less than desirable parenting techniques.  You gotta feel sorry for her and your uncle.

The best advice I can give is to be consistency.  Don't react to her yelling besides to ask her very politely each tie to use an indoor voice.

Punishment doesn't work because it's probably all she's ever known.  Love and consistency works a lot better.

Answer 8

Maybe she does not like your uncle

Answer 9

Ritalin

Answer 10

LISTEN TO MamaKate AND Gaia Rain!!!!

Read that story Beaner wrote.

STOP punishing and start loving.  

You are concerned about her behaviors.  These are natural and seem somewhat consistent with foster kids.  These are pretty tame.

Why does she act like this?  No one has ever taught her any different.....

When I went into foster care for example-

- I had NEVER eaten at a kitchen table

- I had barely ever brushed my teeth with toothpaste

- No one had taught me to say please or thank you

- I did not know you were supposed to take a bath everyday

- I ate with my hands

I had to be "taught" the "appropiate" behaviors and I was 7 years old.

But Also:

- I was used to being punished all the time, so more punishment did nothing but make me think **** you

And oh yeah.....

- I would have acted just like that kid at the water park, because I had never been to one

Don't you see......she is not you and her life experiences have been very different.  She needs love and patience and understanding.  Not punishment and threats of "Sending her back."  That will get you no-where.  She has not been taught what is "appropriate."  Don't punish her for that.  

I feel so badly for her right now.

Answer 11

get her some counseling

Answer 12

She has ADHD. She's not on meds. This is NORMAL behavior for someone with her issues.

Sounds like your uncle needs to consult with her counselor or the agency for some education on dealing with special needs children.

My parents are foster parents. If he thinks THIS is bad, he hasn't been around the block much. These kids are neglected and hurting. They need special care and love and guidance.

If it is too difficult to handle her, decline to keep her. If your uncle needs a break, he can put her in respite.

Answer 13

a,b, and c. This girl seems like she has problems. She has had a hard life and cant live like this any longer. Mayb there not punishing her enough. They should take every single thing out of her room. Only keep the bed in their. Take out all her toys. Even take out her clothes and dressers. It should look like a camp nothing but a bed. When she doesn't listen lock her up in her room for 1 hour and tell her if this happens again then u will be in ur room for 2 hours. And every other time she acts up then make the hour longer. By the end of the day sit down with her look her in the eyes and ask her why she was in her room and why is she sorry. If she doesnt know then u could tell her to go back to ur room until she knows and when she does then come to tell an adult. After a couple of days start rewarding her. Put somethin new in her room. Take her out. And if she acts up dont say anything just grab her and start walking back to the car to go home. Then send her in her room.

If none of this stuff works for ur uncle tell him to go to this website and reply then mayb she could come to his house or send him e-mails http://abc.go.com/primetime/supernanny/i...

Answer 14

Have him read this true story::

"She Didn't Give Up on Me"

(Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, p. 67)

She never once gave up. My mom is my hero. -- Kimberly Anne Brand

I lay on the floor, furiously kicking my legs and screaming until my throat felt raw--all because my foster mother had asked me to put my toys away.

"I hate you," I shrieked. I was six years old and didn't understand why I felt so angry all the time.

I'd been living in foster care since I was two. My real mom couldn't give my five sisters and me the care we needed. Since we didn't have a dad or anyone else to care for us, we were put in different foster homes. I felt lonely inside. Throwing a tantrum was the only way I knew to express my feelings.

Because I acted up, eventually my current foster mom sent me back to the adoption agency, just as the mom before had. I thought I was the most unlovable girl in the world.

Then I met Kate McCann. I was seven by that time and living with my third foster family when she came to visit. When my foster mother told me that Kate was single and wanted to adopt a child, I didn't think she'd choose me. I couldn't imagine anyone would want me to live with them forever.

That day, Kate took me to a pumpkin farm. We had fun, but I didn't think I'd see her again.

A few days later, a social worker came to the house to say that Kate wanted to adopt me. Then she asked me if I'd mind living with one parent instead of two.

"All I want is someone who loves me," I said.

Kate visited the next day. She explained that it would take a year for the adoption to be finalized, but I could move in with her soon. I was excited but afraid, too. Kate and I were total strangers. I wondered if she'd change her mind once she got to know me.

Kate sensed my fear. "I know you're scared. But I promise I'll never send you away. We're a family now."

To my surprise, her eyes were filled with tears. Suddenly I realized that she was as lonely as I was!

"Okay . . . Mom," I said.

The following week I met my new grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins. It felt funny--but good--to be with strangers who hugged me as though they already loved me.

When I moved in with Mom, I had my own room for the first time. It had wallpaper and a matching bedspread, an antique dresser and a big closet. I had only a few clothes I'd brought with me in a brown paper bag. "Don't worry," Mom said. "I'll buy you lots of pretty new things."

I went to sleep that night feeling safe. I prayed I wouldn't have to leave.

Mom did lots of nice things for me. She took me to church. She let me have pets and gave me horseback riding and piano lessons. Every day, she told me she loved me. But love wasn't enough to heal the hurt inside me. I kept waiting for her to change her mind. I thought, "If I act bad enough, she'll leave me like the others."

So I tried to hurt her before she could hurt me. I picked fights over little things and threw tantrums when I didn't get my way. I slammed doors. If Mom tried to stop me, I'd hit her. But she never lost patience. She'd hug me and say she loved me anyway. When I got mad, she made me jump on a trampoline.

Because I was failing in school when I came to live with her, Mom was very strict about my homework. One day when I was watching TV, she came in and turned it off. "You can watch it after you finish your homework," she said. I blew up. I picked up my books and threw them across the room. "I hate you and I don't want to live here anymore!" I screamed.

I waited for her to tell me to start packing. When she didn't, I asked, "Aren't you going to send me back?"

"I don't like the way you're behaving," she said, "but I'll never send you back. We're a family, and families don't give up on each other."

Then it hit me. This mom was different; she wasn't going to get rid of me. She really did love me. And I realized I loved her, too. I cried and hugged her.

In 1985, when Mom formally adopted me, our whole family celebrated at a restaurant. It felt good belonging to someone. But I was still scared. Could a mom really love me forever? My tantrums didn't disappear immediately, but as months passed, they happened less often.

Today I'm 16. I have a 3.4 grade point average, a horse named Dagger's Point, four cats, a dog, six doves and a bullfrog that lives in our backyard pond. And I have a dream: I want to be a veterinarian.

Mom and I like to do thing together, like shopping and horseback riding. We smile when people say how much we look alike. They don't believe she's not my real mom.

I'm happier now than I ever imagined I could be. When I'm older, I'd like to get married and have kids, but if that doesn't work out, I'll adopt like Mom did. I'll pick a scared and lonely kid and then never, ever give up on her. I'm so glad Mom didn't give up on me.