My wife's high school boyfriend of over 20 years ago died violently as a victim of assault ...

Question

Apparently, she was his last girlfriend before he met the woman he would marry over 20 year ago. My wife has had no contact with him since the 1980s.

Do you think that she should send a condolences card? I think the last thing the widow would like to see is a card from his last girlfriend; however, my wife thinks it's the right thing to do.

Your opinion will break our deadlock. Thank you.

Answer 1

Oh my goodness -- that is so tragic.  Your wife must be going through a myriad of emotions.

Although I sympathize with her, I have to agree with you.

When my Dad died several years ago, none of his old girlfriends sent condolences.  My mother probably would have grieved even more if they had.

Answer 2

absolutely not.  If she was a friend of the surviving wife then it would be different.  She could send a card to his mother or sister if she was close to them in the past, but not his widow.

Answer 3

Well from what you've said it seems to be that your wife and him split up and then they both moved on and found their life partners. If there were never any hard feelings between your wife and this man's wife then I see no problem.

It's hard to know what his widow will feel. She may feel upset that she would write or she may feel happy knowing that even though your wife moved on she enjoyed knowing him while he was alive.

I feel that after 20 years of marriage the latter would probably be more likely because why would this woman feel any anger or upset over a woman her husband met before her and who he didn't even speak to while they were married?

As importantly I believe you should let you wife send her condolences for her own benefit. You haven't mentioned if she is upset over it but if she is it will provide some closure.

Answer 4

when family members of x girlfriends die i go th their funeral. i feel that its a sign of respect not only to the deceased but to the x for caring if nothing else. and yes if my xs die before i do i plan on attending their funeral too. and my wife doesn't have a problem with that.

Answer 5

I would send a card.  Families find comfort and  appreciate all forms of kindness at a time like this.

Answer 6

Just tell your wife to imagine if it was you who passed away, would she appreciate getting a card from an ex-girlfriend from over 20 years ago?

It's inappropriate to send a card because the widow may be left with wonders as to whether her husband was carrying on with an exgirlfriend all these years. Despite your wife's protests of innocence, the widow will always be thinking about this in the back of her mind. Tell her to leave the widow alone.

Answer 7

Flip a coin

Answer 8

I agree, I think it would be alright to send a card.  

Answer 9

I think it would be fine. You could both sign it. I doubt she would mind or that she would question it. She probably appreciates the thoughts and the fact that so many people cared. Just my opinion.

Answer 10

The widow will appreciate any condolences.  After 20 years, it really doesn't matter if your wife was his last girlfriend.  The guy is dead...his wife needs to know that her dead husband made an impact on the world, that he mattered.

Answer 11

I am sure the widow won't mind.. after all he choose her and she was a GF to him. Everybody has a life before marriage. I certainly wouldn't mind if I suddenly became a widow.. ''which I hope I won't be for a long time yet'' but if.. and his GF before we got married sent a card that would be absolutely fine with me. I know her name. I never met her but I heard about her and have seen photos of her so I would find it weird if she lived not far away and once upon a time they had been dating if she didn't send a card or even go to the funeral.. I would have nothing against it.. why your wife chose you and married you and loves you and he chose a different woman and I am sure he loved her and what was before the marriage doesn't matter. There is hardly anyone who has not had a relationship before they got married so I would not be jealous of something that happened over 20 years ago..  it makes sense to send a card .. as this guy was her BF at one time.. that doesn't mean your wife kept on loving him but a relationship that was meaningful once.. one never quite forgets so why not acknowledge the widow's grief with a card.. she should send it from both of you.. I believe however.. that would be better than just signing it with only her name even if you never met him but then his widow knows this is just someone from his past who cares but cares as a friend from long ago. Your wife definitely trusts and loves you a lot, she could just send off a card and not tell.. so she believes in honesty and respect toward you. 20 years is a long time.. I have been married to my husband 20 years. What happened before is none of my concern as long as in those 20 years the marriage was good and I hope the same for the widow of this man who died in such a dreadful way, I am sure she was happy with her husband and under such circumstances if the marriage has been happy and he remained true to her throughout that time since they got married she has no reason to be jealous of a former '['last GF before he met her.x*x

Answer 12

Not appropriate.Don't send anything.

Answer 13

No card....he's dead, it doesn't matter.

Answer 14

ONLY 'if' they remained in Communication all these years. If not,  I don't see the point.....20 YEARS ago is 20 long years!

Answer 15

i think she should after all she was his friend,,

that is too bad people have to die like that ,

Answer 16

I do believe if they had a close relationship, friends or otherwise and she once truly cared for this person she MUST send at least a card. I personally would send a modest flower arrangement, but it's YOUR situation, and so you be the judge here. A card would be very nice.

good luck with your decision...

xoxox

Answer 17

I think it would be OK.  She can just say she went to high school with him, and he was a good man or something to that effect.  Be sure to sign BOTH your names to the card though.  The wife doesn't need to mention she was a former girlfriend.