My wife and I would like to adopt a 9 yo who doesn't want to be adopted?

Question

My wife and I have been married almost 7 mo. now and are foster parents to a beautiful 9 yo girl. My wife has 2 older daughters from her first marriage (23 and 16), and my first wife and I had 5 kids (3 of them adopted) ages 17, 13, 12, 7, and 4 before she passed away in '04. My wife is now pregnant with a little boy (she is due in about 4 mo.) Emma *not her real name* seems to make our family complete, but she doesn't want to be adopted. She claims her dad is going to get out of jail and they will be reunited (her dad will be in jail until the year 2068). We want so much to adopt her, but she won't allow it. We will not go through with the adoption until she agrees with it. She is happy with our family, and claims to love us all. But has faith that her father will be deemed innocent (he killed a man in a fight over drugs. He pleaded guilty). what can we do to change little Emma's mind?

Answer 1

That is a hard situation. Does she realize that her dad will be gone for a very long time? Just keep loving her. Keep telling her that you want more than anything to adopt her and she can be part of your family forever. Remind her that because you adopt her does not mean that she will never see her father again.

Answer 2

I was in an orphanage when I was very small. I was offered

up for adoption, and sent out on a farm. I learned then just

what farm life was all abought.

I was up at five in the morning to help milk the cows, with my

own two hands. I fed them grain and their hay.

I then fed all the chickens, and gathered all the eggs.

Then it was time to slop the hogs.

After that. It was time for lunch.

By noon, the sun started getting very hot.

But they had three corn fields to weed. You have to pull all the

weeds, so they won't outgrow the corn.

I finished all three in about a week. Come next week. I was

asked to do it all over again.

I didn't think of it then. Was that they had three teenagers,

and I was doing all this work.

In the evening at supper, I always had to wash the dishes, and

put the ones I could reach, away. By that time, it was time for

bed. No story, hugs or kisses. And five in the morning. It

would start all over again.

The only two jobs is didn't do on that farm, was to set traps,

and drive the tractor.

I felt used,  abuised, bruised, used, and accused.

When the welfare agency came to visit me in the fall.

They then asked me. Do I want to be adopted to this

family.

My reply was, h**l no. I have no fun. I have no friends.

So, back to the orphanage I went. where I lived with 25 other

kids. Since there were so many kids. I never got the "love"

that I needed, or that "undivided" attention.

So. Please leave Emma alone. You have already to many

children. To give her that "undivided attention."

With her dad in prison, she had a pretty rough life.

She doesn't trust anyone. That will take some counceling,

and a lot of time.

My biggest fear is, that she will have more work than love.

It is her right, to make her own choice. <}:-})

Answer 3

Please don't force her to do something she doesn't want to do. Adoption is just a legal construct - you probably know this given your name. Your connection with her will not change just because your legal relationship changes. I was somewhat coerced into consenting to be adopted by my step dad when I was 10, partly because I had a hard time saying no. If this little girl has the fortitude to speak up for herself and say no, please respect that.

Over time, she may realize that her hopes for being reunited with her dad are futile, and may consent to adoption then. As I'm sure you know, it's possible to adopt someone no matter how old they get. Give her LOTS of time - don't pressure her - to see if she changes her mind. But if she doesn't, for goodness sake, don't try to coerce her or talk her into it.

Answer 4

maby have an intervention with her and her father and let her father tell her that this is what is best for her she is old enough to tell the truth to and maby if she thinks that it is o.k. with her natural father then she will be better with it and if you and her mom still allow her to have contact with him at least via mail that may help change her mind also GOOD LUCK!

Answer 5

I really don't understand why people need to be rude and disrespectful to this man when he obviously loves and cares about this child.

I agree that he should not make her do something she doesn't want to do, but wouldn't it be easier to educate him by POLITELY telling him why adoption is not always the best option. Is it really necessary to vilify him. I mean for pete's sake. He's not taking an infant home from the hospital. He's going through foster care.

Most of society is taught that adoption is a wonderful thing, and is not necessarily our fault that we initially feel this way. That's what I thought before I came on this website and learned the bad side to adoption. He probably hasn't been on this website for very long and doesn't know the downside to adoption. Why not try to educate him in a positive manner?

There are definitely people on this website who deserve this treatment, like the baby solicitors, but he is not one of them. I really hope that next time some of ya'll can take the opportunity to educate someone who obviously appears to be a decent person, but just needs a little insight.

ETA: Not that it matters but I think Gershom has a great idea!

Answer 6

I am sad to tell you but nothing  but her father will be the only one who can change her mind. It will take time but don't get discouraged.  :)

Answer 7

Why do you have to force her to do something she doesn't want to do just to make YOU feel complete?

What's wrong with just maintaining the status quo.  What could possibly change?  

Give her the right to make HER CHOICE and don't force the issue.  She has rights; RESPECT THEM.  Give her a little dignity.  If things are fine the way they are, then what's the problem?  

Or do you need that falsified piece of paper to feel secure?

Answer 8

Nothing.  Deal with it.  

If you give it time, and don't pressure her, she may eventually change her mind--or she may not.  "Emma" is an autonomous human being, and she is not obligated to "make your family complete" if she doesn't feel that's the path her life should take.

Answer 9

Does this little girl understand that by the time her father gets out of prison she’ll be around 69 years old? And likely have grandchildren by this time, maybe even a great grandchild.  

All you can do is continue to love her and have her be apart of your family. If she never wants to be legally adopted that’s ok, you all will still be her family, and be the ones that are able to be there for her. I wouldn’t try and push it on her , she knows its on the table and I would just let her know that it will always be on the table if she changes her mind, and that if she doesn’t that she is still family and always will be.

It seems right now she is living on false hope, once she realizes her father is not going to be out of prison for 6 decades it could be a harsh blow to her she will need the support and love of her “surrogate” family. Who knows in a few years she might change her mind and want to be adopted by you all, however again even if she isn’t that doesn’t take away the fact that you are family and that this young girl can depend on you.

Answer 10

Emma has been through a lot  more in 9 years than most people will experience in a lifetime.  She has had no say whatsoever in any of the bad things that have happened to her.  She at least deserves say in this.  I don't think you want her to feel years later that she was "talked into" the adoption.  

Currently, she's happy where she is, so just let it be.

Answer 11

the way i see it, legally you have not adopted her, but emotionally you have. she loves you and is happy to be around you and your family. accept that for now. maybe when she is a little older and can understand things a little easier she will be more open to being adopted, dont rush it or youll push her away!!

Answer 12

I think the only thing you can do in this situation is wait. Every little girl wants to believe her father will be there for her to watch her grow up. In Emma's case the chances of this are close to impossible. I think after a little bit of time goes by she will come around. Maybe if she is allowed to see her father he might help change her mind. Maybe she needs to see him and if he talks to you and your wife and nows that you have provided her with a loving home and all the love she needs he might want to encourage her to agree with the adoption. 9 is a difficult age for a little girl to be dealing with such grown-up issues. Let her come around I'm sure she will. Until this happens just keep being there for her. Eventually she will realize that you and your wife have been more of a family to her then anyone else. Best of luck. God Bless!

Answer 13

uhhhh..... nothing!  Leave the issue alone. If she is happy being part of your family, isn't that what any parent would want?  Give her the time and space she is telling you she wants.  You cannot and should not make her accept adoption.  She has your heart, but is holding out for her idea of perfection.  Let her have that dream.  Without that hope, she may crumble.  She will come to it on her own, or not, one way or another.

Answer 14

I would suggest that you continue the foster parent arrangement.

Answer 15

You could tell her that you guys will adopt her and when (say when not if) her dad gets out then she can go back to him.

Id think that would make her happy.

Answer 16

if she doesn't want to be adopted then you cant really do anything to change her mind....if you keep forcing the issue she may become distant.

Just keep on being her foster parents and love her like she is your own, being adopted is just a legal process anyways.

Answer 17

Why would you press this?  Is 'owning' her more important than what makes her feel comfortable?

If believing that her father will come and get her someday gives her HOPE to get through her daily life--who are you to rob her of that?

Why not just enjoy her company instead of working to obliterate her history.  This is a case where it seems a 9 y.o. child has more sense than the adults in her life.

Let her be.  Adoption doesn't solve everything.

Answer 18

Unfortunately, you can't force a person to abandon their family.  Have her father's rights been terminated?  If they haven't, will they?  If they have, can you have her social worker explain to her the legal implications of this?  9 is a hard age to understand abandonment, even if the peson doing the abandoning is worthless.  I've seen kids defend parents that beat them bloody...  I've seen a child SHOOT his father in defense of his mother, and then ask to go to jain instead of his dad, claiming the dad wasn't doing anythign wrong (when he'd been beating his pregnant mother with a stick).  The best thing you can do is be patient and kind.  Let your foster-daughter work with her social worker and counselor until she's ready.  Since you already have other adoptive children, they should be a good influence on her.  

Other things you can do is to encourage her to watch movies about adoption.  "Angel's in the Outfield" might be particularly helpful to you.  It's about a little boy who desperately wants his dad to come back to him - but the dad doesn't.  In the end he ends up with a new adoptive brother and dad and is quite happy.  Also, Meet the Robinson's is a good recent adoption flik.  Good luck!

ETA:  Did no one else realize that he said they would NOT force "Emma" into this situation.  He's asking about ways to convince her, not force her.  While a legal guardianship may be an option - it may not since the child is comming from foster care and they have other children.  If they truly want Emma to be considered like the other children in the eyes of the law, then adoption is the only recourse...  but he has already said they won't force it onto her.  I think to assume that adoption is NOT the best thing for her just because a scared nine-year-old isn't ready for it yet is assuming a bit much...  the goal should be helping to heal this child's wounds - which is I think what he's really after.  How can he help her heal enough that he can become her daddy so that she doesn't have to spend her life depending on a man who won't get out of prison until she has grandkids of her own!  Lets help him out instead of acting like he's an insensitive lout!

Answer 19

You should spend more time with her so she feels more comfatable.

You cant force her to go with you though, think of all shes been through.

Answer 20

I think you have to give it time.  Perhaps talk to her case worker about some sort of permanent guardianship or something similar.

Answer 21

nothing. Just ask every so often so she knows that you want her after her dad gets out of jail and doesn't fulfill her dreams.

poor little girl :-(

Answer 22

Why is it so hard to accept that maybe Emma knows what is best for herself?  Just because she is only 9 years old?  Just because you and your wife have lots of kids?  Just because her dad will be in jail until she will turn 59?  If you really love her, you will not ask something of her that she does not want to do.  Support her, love her, encourage her...but if she doesn't want to be adopted, don't do it.

Answer 23

I have an 11 year old little girl and it's amazing to me how bright she is.  A lot of people underestimate what a child will comprehend.  I suggest that you sit down with her and have a REAL talk with her.  Tell her the truth about her father; what he did and that he will be away for a long time.  Let her know how important she is to you and your wife and that she is a welcomed addition to your family.  Assure her that he will always be her father but unfortunately his situations prevents him from being about to take care of her.  What ever you do...please don't talk bad about him to her.  Continue loving her and she will make the right decision.

Good Luck.

Answer 24

Okay "Lawyer21"- there is NOTHING you can do to change a 9 yr. olds mind on that ! I will say I think you and your wife are WONDERFUL people though. If she does not want to be adopted, then you will always have problems with her. Her devotion is to her Dad . It probably always will be. I am sure "Emma" does love your family but she was obviously raised by her Dad. That is a shame. Where is her Mom ? I understand that her so called Dad is in jail until 2068, but she is always going to dream that they could be reunited and have it all. Have you thought of taking her to the prison where he is at ? I know that sounds terrible but it is tough love. She can see what he looks like, a prison looks like, and other inmates look like. Pretty scary, especially to a 9 yr. old. If "Emma" is not ready, do not push her. She will resent you.for it.

Answer 25

What wonderful people you are!  Bless you for taking in all of these children.  I really believe you need professional counseling with this little girl though.  She might hang onto the belief in her Dad getting out forever!

Answer 26

First let me say I think it is wonderful that you have become foster parents and have taken in an older child.

"Emma" has not come to terms with her father's incarceration. She is still young and does not comprehend he will not be coming back for her.

Try putting yourself in Emma's shoes.....she loves her foster family but she still has an allegiance to her first family. This is typical and normal with older foster children. I am surprised your social worker has not discussed this with you.

If you love Emma you will understand that her needs are not meet by her having your last name. This is her last connection to her roots, when she severs that tie she will feel an overwhelming sense of lose. Look at it as a death.

This has NOTHING to do with "completing" your family and everything to do with Emma and her feelings.

Be patient and allow her to talk about the situation as warranted. Also I encourage you to write to Emma's father.

Our dds father is a convicted rapist and with time he relinquished his parental rights and told the court that she was better of where she was and he knew we loved her and would take good care of her.

Good luck to you and I wish you and "Emma" the best!

Answer 27

I would suggest legal guardianship instead of adoption since its not what she wants. That way shes still a part of your family, her rights and feelings remain validated and intact and shes provided for.

Answer 28

So she makes your family complete?  But your family doesn't make her complete?

Let me ask you a question...  Is this about your wants?  Or is it about her needs?  

If it's about your wants, then you should not be adopting.  

If it's about her wants, you shouldn't be trying to "change little Emma's mind."  You ought to be respecting her feelings and let it be.  

You currently have custody.  If you are right that the father is never coming back, why do you need to adopt in this case?  She's with you.  Enjoy the time you have with her.  Quit trying to force her to give up her identity to meet some desire you have.  

If you really love her, you will respect her feelings.  If you don't respect her  feelings, you don't love her.

Logic 101