My wife does not want to talk to me and finds it annoying sometimes, Why?

Question

First off we have been married almost a year, but we have been together almost 3 years. Ok, so every time an issue comes up when somethings happens to get her upset - she does not want to talk about it. She looks at it as "I would rather not argue about this." I have tried giving her space, I have tried letting her come to me, and I have tried all sorts of things. It just seems like I have to ask "Why" about things that make her made so that I can try and be better for next time or make it better this time if I could just get to the root of the problem. She eventually just gets more mad when I do this and says "I'm mad because you will not let it go." You may say why don't you just let it go. I would but she stays grumpy for at least an hour. It's not like we have all the time in the world to be upset with each other. It would be easier to let it go if she wasn't so grumpy for so long. I don't understand that she doesn't appreciate me trying to get to know what bothers her so I can not do those things. Believe me I have said all of this to her and more. She says it is just the way she is. How could she not be happier if I found out all of the things that I do that bug her and then stopped doing them - If that makes sense. What approach would work best? Being firm makes her quieter, being soft makes her walk over me and take advantage of it, and being myself is what got her mad in the first place. With all honesty I would say 98% of the time when I do dig deeper and get an answer (of course not without a battle) it was all a misunderstanding and whatever happened would not of made her mad if she just gave me the benefit of the doubt and just asked me before she gets upset.

Answer 1

I'm sort of that way, something will get me upset and I'll get quiet. My fiance puts the press on me about whats wrong and that really pisses me off.  Not only because he's nagging/smothering me when I'm upset but because he won't give me time to think about it...and no I don't always tell him whats bothering me if he does back off. Not because I don't want him to know what upset me but because its not on my mind. I"ll get over something and move on. Like you he doesn't understand that I don't need to talk about every little thing that pisses me off. When I want him to know in that moment, I say something. If I feel it isn't the time and place for it, I suck it up.

She may feel the way I do. Something bothers her its no big deal, she may move on and and try not to let it happen again. My fiance and I do have an open line of communication, so more often then not, when there's something that upset me in the past I'll tell him during a random conversation that reminds me.

So to answer your question, she finds it annoying because you're probably not giving her enough time and space to think things through and its very annoying when one person wants to dwell on something when all you really want to do is move on to something else.

Answer 2

It sounds like you need to back off and she needs to take a few steps closer...

Answer 3

Two things come to mind---either she has a different communication style than you (she rather just forget about an issue and move on) OR she is being passive-aggressive. Either way, the fact that she is unwilling to discuss concerns with you sounds alarming. It's as if she has the upper hand by staying quiet. She obviously doesn't feel comfortable analyzing issues, which would not be ok with me. I don't think you can have true intimacy without talking openly. Maybe you should just ignore her when she acts grumpy. Set some boundaries for yourself so she doesn't walk all over you. Tell her that you are going to go do something else until she feels better. Once she realizes that she can't manipulate you anymore with her silent treatment, she might start to come around. Don't push her to talk and maybe she'll miss it.

P.S. You said she stays upset with you for a long time. That means she is being judgmental and holding a grudge. My boyfriend acted like that for a while and I told him I didn't like it and that it was over if it didn't change. He changed.

Answer 4

no one like being pushed into talking. the more you ask, the more she is going to isolate her self.

just let it go, she will come to you when she is ready....

dont be so clingy, why do you have to know every thought in her head?

trust me, you may not want to know everything...

Answer 5

now i know why she does not want to talk to you..... Maybe you talk too much!!!!!!!

Answer 6

how sad!  shes mean!  u sound like a very sweet husband to her. to want to change. i think u need to leave her alone for a while try letting her come to you.  she doesnt want to hear what u have to say cuz u annoy her for some weird reason.  to tell u the truth she shouldnt be treating someone she married this way.  u know what shes trying to tell u!  this is how im gonna be for now on. u dont like it too bad.  this is me.  what a bitc* thats wrong. im sorry if  my husband told me that i would be thinking what i just told u. and if he kept treating me like that and never changed i would leave him. cus nobody deserves that treatment.  i hope she changes good luck!

Answer 7

Open your heart out to her,let her know how important you believe it to be to a happy and secure marriage.

Answer 8

Some people like to discuss and analyze while others would rather have time on their own. I'm more like your wife. The one comment that really stands out to me is you saying, " she stays grumpy for at least an hour". Sometimes I get mad at my husband and don't talk to him all day! We've be married a long time and he knows just to give me my space and I'll come around. And I always do. We all have our 'things' and that's hers. She's even told you that's the way she is. Don't push it, let her have her space. It almost sounds like your smothering her. That would drive me crazy. Just relax and I'm sure she'll come around in her own time, not yours.

You say you accept her the way she is, then this is part of the way she is. You should let her read this. One thing I learned is there's always 2 sides to a story. What's hers?