My wife hit me and I don't know what to do next.?

Question

I can't imagine this is a normal response for a woman. However I can understand that she resorts to violence due to her prior marriage being physically abusive towards her.

For a back story tonight I worked a short 9 hour shift, and my wife had plans to go bar hopping with friends. I did not have a problem with this as I trust my wife. However about 12:30 in the AM I get a phone call from my wife's step-sister telling me that my wife is sticking her tongue down another man's throat.

Now this certain step-sister has been known to cause problems in the past so her word is suspect. However I most certainly jump in the car (with approval from my boss) and head to where my wife is. I don't catch her doing anything, and from what I can tell nothing has happened, but I do ask her to get in the car to remove herself from the situation. One of which I didn't fully understand nor which she could fully fathom due to the fact of her being intoxicated.

She goes ballistic in the car, completely hysterical with the incorrect emotions to the words, one minute she's crying the next shes attacking (verbally). Now I do go back to work, was gone maybe about 10 mins. tops, and finish my shift with the wife waiting. Once we return home the fight ensues.

Now I'm an intelligent man and I understand that every story has two sides, and maybe what is accused didn't happen. So I let her carry on with her theatrical performance. Once she resolved into angry tears completely losing it emotionally I grabbed her upper arms, midway above the elbows, and tried to steady her, in what I thought was a comforting way. Out of nowhere she goes nuts and starts trying to choke me. Now to be honest I'm a former Marine and physically intimidating. Regardless I did the only thing I could think of which was just to push. What else could I do? I most certainly couldn't be a man hitting his wife!!! I tried to help her up, and once she was up she farking tried to give me a right hook straight to my cheek. While I blocked right as it made contact (I was taken by surprise) I still consider it a fact that she hit me.

I don't know what to do. She swears I deserve it. Although I can't even imagine how. I wasn't out drinking. I wasn't accused of kissing another woman. I wasn't yelling, screaming or cursing. I listened and tried to comfort, and she took my attempt at comfort as an attempt of aggression.

Now she says she did nothing wrong, and that if she called the cops it would be me going to jail because it's her that has the scuffed up knee and I only have a scratch on my neck.

How do I reconcile? What am I supposed to do? My first instinct is to send her packing.

Answer 1

Ok, technically, she did NOT hit you, yet.

The other thing is , drunk people will do things like this, hit, cuss, stick their tongues in other people's mouths in bars, and to me, my dear Marine husband, it sounds altogether like you have a wife who has the disease ALCOHOLISM. You may want to look this up and read about it. Join AA yourself, go sit in on some meetings when you can each week, and learn about this disease. You will see how alcoholics try to "recover" each day. She has a horrible disease. And it sounds like its really advanced. Bar hopping can be more like "fixing" . Does she act like this sober? Was she just drunk that night? What is the rest of the week like? "Cheating" on spouses is a symptom of the disease, lying is too. I know love, i was there.

They say to go to Alnon, and learn how to stop running around chasing your drinking spouse, and worrying about them. But I found AA to be a better source for me. After my husband died, drunk.

Ps. later, in a calm voice , you can tell her how her drinking and bar hopping are ruining your relationship with her, but the next time she drinks, she won't care. It numbs the brain. Alcohol numbs everything.

You did not cause this , you can NOT control this. Watch "The Days of Wine and Roses" . You are not an alchololic, but in this movie, the man gets sober, and his wife never does. It is a very sharp movie, old movie, and dead on right.

I admire your trying to "help" her, by fetching her and trying to hold her , but in reality, you are just wasting YOUR time here. She will go and do it again, and you must let her go. You must grab the life jacket and let the people on the boat pull you in. She may drown , but watch, she wont grab the jacket... they threw it to her too..... can you get a person from AA to talk to your wife? If you go to a meeting, and listen, maybe you can find someone willing to talk to your wife. I know you would want to save her if you could.

The next time you hear about her doing something like this in a bar, you may have to continue working, and cry , because it will only happen again and again and again, if she is sick.

If this was only a one time thing? and I am going over board here? fine! great! it was a lover's quarrel, and you all need to not cross that line. If she hits you, call the police, have her spend the night in jail. If my husband hit me? you bet. you bet.

Answer 2

I have told myself that if my wife ever hit me, I would get the police involved.  This way there is documented evidence which will be used against her in any possible divorce scenario.  Since I have not yet been in that situation (she did throw a roll of tape at me once), I can't say with 100% certainty that I would but it is the plan.  I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like she hates you, whether she is justified in that or not.  My wife hates me too; that's what I get for dedicating my life to taking care of her and letting her be a stay at home mom.  I suppose I would be a better guy if I just used her for s*x and threw her away like garbage, right.  (That's what she's accustomed to)  Women today are psychotic.  If you don't have kids I would definitely bail.

Answer 3

if she gets that drunk to the point she is lashing out and cursing you up and down, then maybe she shouldn't be drinking.

to me it sounds like she was on the defense and she actually did do something and in anger on top of the alchol she consumed she was feeling like she got caught and doesn't know how to comprehend what you were doing.

its sad she was in a abusive relationship before you, but remember this point. you weren't the abuser. you had no connection to that in her past, and she is a grown women. she needs to get help for that if that is the reason for her outburst on you. not saying you are doing this, but if you cater to her abusive past, meaning thinking well she was hit alot before, so that's were this is coming from, eventually she will catch on to that and then you will be the one being abused.. catch my drift?

you sound like a very nice man and you were only concerned. even after she sobered up, she still insists that it was your fault.. like you said.. you wernt the one out getting drunk and suspicoulsy kissing on another.. she was or so someone says.  if she loves and cares for you, she needs to understand were you're coming from.

heres a quote for her

"you cant change what you dont acknowlege"  

Answer 4

She needs help with her drinking problem.  If she is out during the day getting drunk, at some point she will end up in bed with some guy, and not remember a thing.  The guys will realize she can be gotten drunk and will take turns taking her out, and she still will not remember a thing.

You want to save her, your marriage, and your job, you have to get her help ASAP

Answer 5

Being that I am your wife I would like to say that I first off did not kiss anyone and my sister needs to back out.  I wouldn't have an issue with her calling you at work if I had actually done what she has accused me of,  but since I haven't done that she needs to butt out.  And, to answer so many people's questions about whether I had felt threatened, that I did.  I would have never grabbed your neck had I not felt threatened and I most certainly would not have swung at you if I had not felt threatened.  I am not an alcoholic as so many have said.  I can have one beer and not drink another.  And, as you know that these people on here do not, I do not go to the bar often.  In fact I haven't been to a bar in over a year.  I do love you with all that is in my heart.  Yes, I have things that still bother me due to my ex-husband, but you have to understand that I am still dealing with those issues.  

I am sorry that I saw you as a threat and I grabbed your neck and I am sorry that I swung at you.  Yes, I was a little drunk but as you said last night I could still walk, talk (even though my words were a little slurred), and no I could not have driven but in that case I was walking until you came and picked me up.  

I think it is really messed up that my underage sister was in a bar with a bunch of bikers that came in and I even offered to buy her a soda and in return she calls you at work and lies to you telling you that I am cheating on you. And, then on top of it all she followed me.  That is just a little too much if you ask me.  She was way out of line and she needs to quit lying to people just because she is jealous of our relationship.  

Dear I love you and the kids with everything in my heart and I would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage or our family.  I am sorry that things got so out of control all I wanted to do was go out and have a little fun before I had to go back to college.  I love you with everything I have and I want to make our marriage work.  I know there are a lot of things that we need to work on, but it will take time.  I know that it is not your fault that things turned out the way that they did.  I thought that I had taken the safest route that I could to spend time with friends before I left for school, but I was wrong.  The safest route would have been to wait until you had a day off work to go with us.  I am sorry and I do love you.  

When you are ready to talk about this situation further let me know.

I LOVE YOU!

Answer 6

Well... I have been in a very abusive relationship with my ex husband, and mind you I am in no way justifying her behavior, yet I can see with the alcohol and situation she may have had that old feeling of being "controlled'. You having never hit your wife she in a sense feels safe that you wont and can with assurance fight back the way she never could before.

I am ashamed to admit I have done this to my current husband. He has never hit me and I am sorry the instant I do it. I do think maybe she has some form of repressed anger and resentment, as i know a lot of battered women (and men) do and can lash out without provocation to those they feel safest with.

I am so sorry this happened to you and I am sure it is confusing. Talk to her when shes calmed down... give it a few days to sink in ...

Answer 7

this is why i think its fully reasonable to agree that in any relationship, neither partner should go out and get intoxicated when the other isnt with them... maybe you should set up this rule in your house.. it was never a rule in mine, but always just understood.. its respectful.. not that i as a woman, havnt gone bar hopping or dancing with my friends.. most assuredly, i have, but when i go, i get one drink and will nurse that same one for the entire time i am there, always leaving myself able to legally drive should i need to...

on the otherhand, she was pissed an embarrassed at her husband who came and made her drunk butt leave the bar.. my guess is, she was still drunk when she tried to hit you, and she prolly did it in response to what she fealt as threatening, even if it was no where near that... that doesnt give her any right to have done it, but given the situation and her past, i can understand it..

i can only suggest that you both try to change some things in your household, and give each other some time to recoup from this... sounds like her step sister was trying to cause trouble, she was probably drunk also...

Answer 8

IF UR WIFE HIT U FOR AN UNWANTED REASON DONT HIT HER BUT ADVICE HER AND U BE POLITE IF SHE DOES THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN U MAY SURELY DO ANYTHING TO HER  

Answer 9

You need to be firm.  Talk to her when she is sober, tell her that last night behavior was unacceptable, she has no right to lay her hands on you and if she ever does it again you will leave her.  Once someone starts hitting you they don't stop.  Even if she was abused in a past relationship does not give her the right to abuse you.  Be strong and stand your ground.

Answer 10

Why is your wife pub-crawling??

You can NEVER reason with a drunk person.

Sounds like she has some serious issues.

drunk people ALWAYS blame someone else for their actions and insecurities..

3 options, counselling, AA, or attorney.

Answer 11

You are indeed within bounds to send her packing if you can't resolve this issue with a quickness. First, she has no remorse and thus is shifting the blame to you. Second, she was inebriated to the point of being out of control, which obviously is a situation that should not be repeated, and third, you have an outside party meddling  in your marriage.

You need to let her know that you will not tolerate physical violence. A news flash for her, the police are not stupid they know an out of control person when they see one, chances are that you both would have been taken to jail and a judge would get the pleasure of sorting things out. If you let her stay, counseling should be sought, she should agree to no drinking, and the step-sister needs to be asked to butt out. Unless these things are implemented, for your safety and freedom, she needs to go.

FYI, there has been a dramatic rise in number of female abusers and they have the same consequences as male abusers.

Answer 12

WOW! The first question that comes to my mind is, has she ever hit you before? Because whether she has or whether this is the first time, she WILL hit you again. And no one deserves to be in a relationship like that. I am not an advocate for breaking up marriages, but this woman obviously has serious problems since she has shown clearly that she cannot control herself and cannot handle alcohol.

Do you have children? I hope not because this would complicate the situation further.

I think you should calmly sit down with her and tell her how that incident made you feel. Be honest. Then watch her reaction as you share your feelings, is she defensive? Remorseful? Apologetic? Regardless, tell her in calm, soft tone of voice that if this type of incident happens again, you will give her two choices: she either stops this lifestyle of bar-hopping and finds a safer alternative activity and agrees to seek counseling, or she must move out and separate herself from you for good. This is a more serious accident waiting to happen down the road if you continue to allow her to carry on like this, and you need to be careful not to be caught in the middle of it.

Your wife clearly has serious issues she needs to confront and deal with and she needs a professional to help her. If she refuses then you need to show her the door because that will be a clear message that she is not only not committed to your relationship, but more that that, she doesnt love you. So your giving her these two options and hearing her response, will tell you what your next step has to be. I am truly sorry you have to be going through this situation, but you need to protect yourself from her.

I hope it all works out in a positive way...and no, this is not normal behavior.

Answer 13

Your marriage is certainly in some kind of trouble.

I believe your wife and yourself will have to have a good talk when both you are in a sober mood.

The lesson is don't talk to a woman when she is sober. There must be things that she is very unhappy at home. You have to find out what is this if you really want to save your marriage.

Answer 14

You need to run don't walk from this relationship....

Answer 15

No one EVER deserves to be HIT! Never! By her telling you that.(you deserved it) she is just trying to justify her behavior. This women has some really bad anger issues. (maybe from her past relationships who knows. ) She need therapy. She also sounds like she could have a problem with alcohol. Not a good sign.

You are busting your butt to put food on the table and pay the bills and your wife is out bar hopping? How old is she 21? She needs to grow up. She also sounds like she have lots of underlying issues going on and she drinks to suppress her feelings about these situations in her life.

I would sit down with her and say" Listen last night was a wake up call for me. We really need to get some help." Let's try some counseling. (that way you are not pointing the finger at her. So that she will not get so mad. Of course she will be mad. If she refuses to go. I would pack up your things and move on. I know it will be tough, But you deserve better in every way. Once she hits you she will continue to do it. There was No punishment for her actions. maybe you should leave for the weekend. Show her that by her putting her hands on you is unacceptable. And tell her that you will not live your life like this.

(Hope you don't have kids with this crazy girl. She will be hitting them soon as well)

Good luck

Answer 16

If my spouse had to spend the night drinking and playing with other guys, the bags would be packed and he would be out the door so fast his head would swim.  I don't condone hitting, and a drunk is always the first one to swing.  God help you if you have kids with this woman.  She doesn't seem to have the brains it would take to raise a tomato plant let alone kids. Dump her.  

Answer 17

Bud, if you are going to stay with this woman, you both need counselling especially your wife. If any discussion becomes verbally abusive and pushing or any violence ensues, then there's definitely been a breakdown in communication. Your relationship does not seem to be one of trust and mutual respect. What to do next?. Sit her down and the both of you talk calmy and try to work things out. Good luck.  

Answer 18

Bless your heart!!  It's obvious that alcohol played a major part in her meltdown, so I'd give her time to sober up, then we'd have a long heart to heart and get everything out on the table.  She needn't drink again, for sure!  That would be the main topic of discussion.  The second thing would be the abuse that ensued when you tried to figure out what was going on with her.  I'm sure the previous relationship and the abuse she endured was her reasoning for going over the edge when you grabbed her, and if you're as tough as you say you are, maybe she mistook it, in her drunken rage, as a little too rough and retaliated.  Although drunkenness is never an excuse (because she chose to partake, after all), it seems to be the culprit here, and I wouldn't send her packing just yet.

Communication is the key to any solid relationship, and you can't communicate with a drunk.  So tell the step-sister to get a life and out of yours, stop the drinking and barhopping, and save your relationship with your wife.  If at all possible, seek counseling for her, it will do both of you some good.  

As for now, give it a little while, let things calm down, and sit her down when she can think rationally.  Until then, let things go.  She'll come around and see the error of her ways.  

God's blessings on you and yours...Always!

Answer 19

Even after she sobered she still said that it was your fault? I would definitely tell her that you are unsure of whether you can continue in the relationship. I would not just write her off. A marriage takes work and she obviously made a poor decision, but if she can't take at least partial blame for this then she may need to go. If sitting with her and talking doesn't work, then try to get marriage counseling. Sounds like she may need a new hobby besides drinking.  

Answer 20

I'm so sorry to hear that. It is never right for a woman to hit a man, just as a man shouldn't hit a woman. There's no difference. It sounds to me like she may need some anger management councilling. You definately need to tell her that it's not right and well done to you for acknowledging that there are two sides to it! If she has a hard time accepting it, just show her this page, tell her it's someone else's question (I'll delete this part if you want lol) and show her all the answers, I'm sure you'll get lots!

Answer 21

I guess since she was intoxicated its borderline her fault. I don't know how she is when she isn't but if you feel that the situation between the both of you know can't be worked out in any way then simply cut your losses and move on. Nothing worse than trying to fix something that was just meant to be broken. Either way mate you should probably try talking to her honestly about it all and how you feel now and if you wanna give it another shot then do so by all means. If not then you should be civil and not waste any more of each others time.

Answer 22

anyone hit me and i will hit back.

Answer 23

Dude .. If you dont have any kids pack ur stuff and leave..  

Or Atleast throw her out !!!!  

Answer 24

There is no reason for a man to be hitting a woman nor a woman to be hitting a man.. No one deserves this! I can only speak for myself but if someone hits me I tell them very strongly that if it happens again I am out the door or they will hit the road...

Sounds like the wife needs some counseling just because she might have been abused in someway in the past does not give her a free ride to be abusive...

Answer 25

Try, An eye for an eye.. that might help u

Answer 26

Wait till she sobers up - she sounds like a mean drunk!

Talk to her about it tomorrow when she's no longer intoxicated.  She's obviously overindulged in her drinking and has come off very messy.  

Tell her calmly your view of what happened, and ask her side of the story.  Then make it clear that you will not tolerate being struck and leave it at that.  I'm sure once she's sober she'll realise how badly she behaved tonight.

Oh, and if this sister in law is a known trouble maker I would most certainly not be listening to anything she has to say.  Of course you are free to question your wife on whether or not it happened, but I'd be taking what the S-I-L says with a grain of salt.

Good luck

Answer 27

my opinion , shes a grown woman ,you had no right to go fetch her ,even if she was kissing someone....you also had no right to put your hands on her...nor she hers on you...hitting is never the answer..sounds like your marriage has been in trouble...sounds like you are the controling type and she is rebelling against that. leave her alone,shes your wife but you dont own her....if she needs help with drinking she should get the help,hopefully she dosnt drink and drive, hopefully you dont have kids together,...if you BOTH want to stay together, get some marriage counseling. Good Luck!

Answer 28

The first thing to consider is how much you love your wife? Is this situation really worth 'sending her packing'? It must have been awful to have this happen between you and her, but do you love her enough to work through it? Your answer is the only one that matters in that respect.

I'm not saying that I condone her actions in the slightest, in fact I would suggest quite the opposite. There is no excuse to  However, it can be completely agreed that it does not sound like your wife was in a rational mindset- you even say that in your own words.

Again, I'm not saying she was right, but think of it this way. She's on a night out, got herself pretty drunk and either she's kissed another man and you suddenly bust in out of nowhere, or you go and find her, most likely annoyed like any normal person would be. You say that she has already suffered a violent marriage, and being drunk would exacerbate any fears she has that you could hit her- not thinking rationally she would probably not take into account the fact that you do not think it is right to kiss a woman, especially as you describe yourself as physically intimidating. Then you take her away and grab her arms at some point- she may well have genuinely misinterpreted it as a threat to herself because of her past experiences and acted instinctively to protect herself. Do you think that if you had been a different person, not a big man but, say, a physically unimpressive and short man, or another female doing the same action then she would have acted in the same way and felt so inherently threatened?

It doesn't sound like she has anger issues. You don't mention that she gets angry all of the time, or goes around beating everyone up. It sounds like a one off. To me, it sounds like she has unresolved issues about her first marriage and is finding it hard to separate the violence from her first marriage with this one. Of course, this is only my perspective from what I have been told, so there might be other issues that you need to take into account yourself.

You sound like an intelligent man, and I hope you do not think that I am criticizing you for your actions at all- I think you acted commendably. But at the same time I have worked at the Women's Aid and I can tell you that old habits die hard. Your wife should not necessarily be forgiven, but at least understood. In my opinion she should try visiting a counselor, but at the same time it is a delicate situation and should be dealt with subtly- don't just go "I think you need counselling". It will only work if she realises that she needs help and is willing to actually do something about it.

Talk to your wife. That's what marriage is about.

I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 29

Wait till she is sober, tell her she has one more chance to treat you with respect

If she doesnt do that then go with your first instinct.

Dont waste anymore of your life in a love/hate relationship (I'm assuming from what you wrote)(She hates you, you love her)

Good Luck :)