My wife wants me to take care of our son more often...But I work full time, what should I do?

Question

I am a corrections officer and work 40 plus hours a week on a rotating schedule. On top of this I am a full time college student. My wife stays at home and takes care of our 3 week old son, she has been off work since her 6'th month. Lately she has been complaining because she thinks I should be helping more with our son. I have been working 4-midnight and still get up by 8 a.m. to do what needs done during the day. I help around the house, on the outside, and still help take care of our son a few times throughout the night. What am I to do? I feel bad but at the same time I need some sleep too! Anyone go through this before?

Thanks!

Answer 1

Now remember her hormones are still out of whack and she may be feeling overwhelmed too. She doesn't know what to do, but to come to you. I am sure in her mind she understands about you not being able to spend as much time as she has, but with her hormones it seems to override this sense.

I think you are doing more than most men do. If you do get any time off maybe take the baby and let her do something fun for herself like getting her hair done, nails, or just going out by herself. Also when you finally do get some time and can have someone watch the baby maybe you can go out for a "date". Sometimes after a woman has a baby she can feel ugly, unappreciated- even if she really is, and just out of whack and unbalanced.

It also takes time to get into a routine in life again. If this is your first baby that makes it doubly hard because you are winging it and there is no book telling you how to do things.

Hang in there. Love your wife, make her feel appreciated and continue to help when you can.  

Answer 2

I definately agree, you do need sleep! My dad was 16 when my oldest sister was born. She's now 21. Since then, he has either worked and went to school or worked 2 jobs. He never has time to do anything. I feel really bad for him. Knowing how he has been, I know that you don't have much time at all.  I personally don't think it's that hard to have my daughter to myself all day and night. She's 3 and a half months old and very high maintenance. Maybe I'm just an odd ball out of the bunch though. I love spending every minute with her!

I guess you can just ask her what she would like for you to do to help.  Good luck to you! And congratulations for all that you're taking on!

Answer 3

Take care of your son more often.  You can find the time if your try.  

My husband and I are raising our granddaughter.  I work full time and he is retired and is home full time.  I take the early morning feeding and take care of her on my days off so he can go out and ride his bike, or whatever he chooses.

I remember how isolating it is to be home with kids and want to make sure he has some time to his self.

Answer 4

We got 2 kids. When they were newborn, I was the primary caretaker, BUT I asked my husband to pitch in. There were days when I could not even take a shower until he got home, or I felt like a zombie, because of lack of sleep. Mothers of newborn babies do not sleep a normal pattern. I completely understand that you need your strength to go to work the next day, but her job isn't easier.

You said that u help out with some stuff outside of the house. Maybe you should ask her if she would like to go food shopping, while you watch a little one. Fer her to get dressed and to get out of the house will be very beneficial.

Can your moms help you once in a while? Even if its only for an hour and one of your moms can come over and help YOU, while your wife goes out to mall or something. Women need it. It may not sound logical to you, but I think she'll appreciate it.  

Answer 5

Mama still has raging hormones.  It sounds like you are doing all you can to help out.  Compliment mom on how well she is doing, offer to take care of baby while she takes a hot bath (or eats a hot meal!)

The first month or so are hard, but it will get better soon!

Answer 6

adjusting to a new baby is hard and can upset the whole dynamics of a family.

she is probably feeling overwhelmed with the 24 hour non stop care a child needs.

give her 30 minutes for a bubble bath would probably make her very happy.

i know you are very very busy. perhaps a night out without the baby is needed for both of you.

good luck. remember its the little things that can make a huge difference.

Answer 7

I think every family goes through this when they bring baby home!

It sounds like you're a great dad and trying to do everything you can to help out, but your wife is still feeling overwhelmed.

It can be hard for both partners to understand what the other one is going through.  For you, it feels like your wife just doesn't understand how hard you're working.  You work all day and come home and there isn't any rest, just more work!

For your wife, she feels like she's working all day taking care of this little baby that needs her constant attention, and when you get home all she wants is a little break and she can't have one because you're too tired to help out on the things that are important to her.

I think a really big step would be for you to acknowledge to your wife that, even though she's staying home, she's working too!  Being a stay at home mom means you're on-call 24 hours a day.  It's a job you don't ever get to come home from and there aren't any vacations.

Many moms feel overwhelmed with their children.  They love their babies so much and they don't want to be disappointments as mothers.  It's terrifying for a new mom to think of all the things they can s***w up, or the millions of ways they can let everyone down, and they put so much energy into being perfect that they get frazzled out.  Let your wife know that you love her and appreciate her.

Try giving her a break at some point in the day.  Tell her that you've got the little man handled and encourage her to just go take a bubble bath or read a book or take a nap or do whatever it is that makes her happy for half an hour or so a day.

You might be thinking to yourself: why am I the one that has to make all the sacrifices?

The answer is, partners who take pains to show extra love and attention often find themselves getting extra love and attention in return.  When your wife starts to feel less frazzled and more like a human being than a mommy machine, she will also probably start to feel more like your wife again and want to try to do nice things for you too.  She will understand how tired you are when she has a moment to be less tired herself.

Remember that the first few months after the baby is born are usually the most stressful for families.  There's a lot of adjusting to do and baby is not in the steady sleeping pattern that he'll establish very soon.  And soon, things like feeding baby and changing diapers and giving baths will feel routine rather than challenging.  Things will even out, just try and be the best husband you can be in the meantime.

Answer 8

you do sound very busy  but you need to make time for your son even if its not to ease your wifes nagging but rather because its a very important time for bonding with your baby

Answer 9

My husband would pick up dinner or cook once a week, help with night time (as much as he could bc I was nursing), and take baby to visit grandparents so I could nap....every little gesture was appreciated...you could always buy her flowers to surprise her ;) That was a big help to my husband..you can never go wrong there. You've got to remember that she's exhausted from 9 months of carrying your son, and now the daily task of learning to be a mother 24/7...plus her body and hormones are not back to normal....I think I only recently got back to feeling like myself and less b*tchy and my son is 11 months old. Worse comes to worse...ask her how you can help and what she needs done. Chances are...she'll tell you exactly what she wants or needs. Best of luck and congrats on the little one!!

Answer 10

It sounds like you have a full tray.  I don't know your wife, but I will tell you this.  She might be feeling like she is caring the load of the baby by herself.  Not only does a woman's body change when she has a baby but her emotions get all messed up to for a while.  It sounds like you are a person who can deal with stress, so just for the sake of trying to re-leave a little stress for your wife and in the long run for you too, try setting an appt. with your wife so she can go out alone without the baby, you watch the baby. And also taking time to do some things with your wife and the baby together.  She may need your input about normal everyday events concerning the baby.  Just so she doesn't feel she is all alone raising the child.  This is just some advice from someone who has been around for a while.  

Answer 11

Just a question don't get mad. you said that you help around the house outside and stuff (well that is more than I get in a year) you said nothing about changing a diaper or feeding or even holding the baby. Do you help her out with the baby too?  

Answer 12

It sounds like you do alot! But your wife does also. Taking care of a newborn can be very tiring when your doing it mostly yourself. I bet she would just like to have a break each day to just relax by herself for an hour. I would ask her what she wants from you and try to work something out. With my little girl the first 4 weeks were so tiring. My husband worked full time like you and sometimes did overtime. It was so nice tho when he would come home and spend an hour with her so I could take a shower and just have some time to myself. Good luck and Congrats on your new lil baby =)

Answer 13

Ask her what she'd like you to do. Sorry but we cannot read your wife's mind. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate but you have to realize that she's probably overwhelmed and her body is trying to get back to "normal" on top of that. I stay at home while my husband works but sometimes I just need some time to myself. It's not like I sit on my butt all day doing whatever I wish to do. Stay at home mommies work too.

Take him for an hour or so when you can and let her have some time to regroup herself. I know it seems like you're both running around like chickens with their heads cut off right now but it will settle down.

Answer 14

I'm sorry but as a stay at home mom of 2 girls having a baby and taking care of it when your the only one home all day is ALOT harder then going to work, and coming home late. TRUST me.  I'm not one of those wives who will dote on my hubby as soon as he gets home just because he works. Raising a kid and being alone all day , especially when they are soo little and demanding it harder then you men think.  I would love to be able to switch places with my husband and go to work while he stayed home all day.  

Answer 15

Well you and her need to work it out between you. My personal experience is that my fiance was also working and full time at university, but he still would take on the occasional night time wake-ups and would help out a lot. It is very hard when you have a new baby and aren't in a routine yet, I do feel sorry for the overworked men in the situation too though, however it will be very much appreciated in the future if you make these sacrifices of yourself in the early stages. My fiance was tired, he worked hard too, he graduated and got a great job and 2 and a half years later he is still doing housework and looking after the child hehe and guess what once he finished uni, I started lol. Just help her when you can, be understanding and also explain to her nicely how you feel and she should take sympathy on you too, you are both doing the hard yards at the moment and efforts shouldn't be compared

Answer 16

compromise.  she's not saying you have to do everything, but with a 3 week old, it's hard!  with you at work and school, you get a lot of breaks and time away from the baby.  your wife doesn't have that (from what it sounds like).  perhaps let your wife do some work in the yard while you take care of the baby.  when i had shopping to do and my husband was going to clean up in the house, he'd tell me to leave the baby with him so i could have some time away from him.  i got so stressed out taking him everywhere with me, but i didn't want to leave him ever.  that first time helped me to remember that i needed to take care of myself too...and all the stress wasn't good for any of us!  

i know it's difficult for you because of your schedule to think that she needs help...i mean she stays home with the bbay.  that's not work, right?  it may not be work in the sense of going out and earning money, but it's work just the same.  when i was on maternity leave, i took care of the baby all day, and cleaned when the baby napped.  it's not easy to nap while they nap, because when they nap you have to do all the things you couldn't do while they were awake!  granted my husband and i have much more "normal" work hours, but because i took care of our son all day, when my husband came home, he got him all night...diapers, feedings, play time, etc.  that was my daily break.  i still took care of him overnight so my husband could sleep because he did get up and have to function at work, but that was a big help to me!  

your son is 3 weeks old.  if the dishes don't get done, it's not the end of the world!  i know people want to stop by and see the baby.  here's my thought (and i actually told people this while my son was that little).  i just pushed a baby out.  i'm tired.  if anyone has anything to say about the condition of my house when they come over to visit after they invited themselves, i'm more than willing to show them where the broom is.  you also need to take time to enjoy your son while he's this age.  it may not seem like he can do a lot, but he's learning so much about the world around him every day!  before you know it, he'll be walking...