My writing can you read it please? Be honest.?

Question

(Eye twitches) ok since people didn't like my other story I see...But at least they were honest ok another piece of writing this time, poetry style I think I am good with that but what do you all think here is another piece of writing. Actually here is three totally different pieces of poetry. But still they are all written by me of course:

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Shadow_Heart/290175/

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Shadow_Heart/272317/

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Shadow_Heart/271995/

Answer 1

You seem to care about your writing and you want honesty. This is really good because it is the ONLY way we can improve. I want to be clear everyone can learn from critique, no one has arrived; so, I am not some expert that writes perfectly, but I think what your poetry needs to improve is this:

You need to stay away from abstractions and begin writing with more concrete imagery found in strong nouns and verbs. Pain for instance is abstract, too vague. It is much better to lead with an image that conveys the specific pain you are talking about. Abstractions are a type of shorthand that trick you into thinking your poetry has emotional power and than not delivering.

Here are a few articles you can check out:

http://www.everypoet.org/pffa/showthread...

There is an entire section on abstractions. I'm not saying you're awful at all just that your best writing is likely being obscured behind this type of shorthand.

I mean nothing in a hurtful tone. I hope this helps your writing.

Answer 2

Todd said it perfectly... Take his advice, you probably won't get any better advice here. He has the best answer.

Answer 3

I like number 2, about the eyes that hold worries in stories so cold. The rest was very saddening, and I could not read it. I do not understand your pain, and think it is rather stupid to be unhappy for long periods of time, as you wrote that you are.

Emily dickenson may have been an unhappy famous writer, but she also killed herself. People with depression, who view the world, and themselves so dully, sicken me. What happened to the beauty in all things, the learning from ever experience, the getting rid of burdens that tie the depressed down?

Such drivel.

Answer 4

First poem:

In the 7th line: it's whether not (wether).  Other than that I thought your poem had a lot to say.  Keep writing.

Second poem: last line: it's hatred (not haterd)

Answer 5

From Her eyes, From His eyes is my absolute favorite, it's a little deep and I understand it completelty (in my sense, we all see things differently).

Keep writting, it's fantastic.

Answer 6

i like the one from her eyes the best. they all are pretty good.

Answer 7

Actually, your writing is so overly used I could probably find someone who has wrote every one of those words in the same order, twice. It's just too stale.

Try to hide your point. You're too....direct. Use metaphors, similes, and the like.

Answer 8

I THINK THAT IT WAS VERI NICE AND I DONT LIE IF SOMTHIN IS BAD I WILL BE STRAIGHT FORWARD WITH IT    U HAV SUM REAL TALENT U NEED 2 KEEP RIGHTING