My young daughter just found out she is pregnant, I've worked through the initial shock, and I'm working with

Question

her now to do what is best. I know that at her age,adoption is the best, but I would like to know whether

closed or open adoption is the best. I'd appreciate

your thoughts, especially if you've had to give up a

child for adoption.

Answer 1

I think open adoption is the best. I adopted my son from birth over 3 years ago, and we have a terrific relationship with his birth mother.  I think it helps to stay in touch.  It helps her know that the baby is doing well, and she can see him when ever he wants.  She has personally told me that it keeps her mind at ease knowing he is doing so well.  It helps her not to be depressed etc.

Answer 2

God bless you! What a difficult decision you and your family are facing.  You don't say how old she is...BUT...I was 16 when I got pregnant (by the first boy I ever dated - using birth control).  Please consider that adoption is NOT the ONLY option!  

As an adoptee myself, I didn't want my child growing up wondering why her mother gave her up. Wasn't she worth loving? (as I had wondered).  Her dad & I married. He was 19. When I think about that now, I know how lucky I was that he didn't cut & run.  Our marriage only lasted a year & 1/2.  

I considered adoption only because my a.mom pushed and pushed the issue AFTER my divorce (my daughter was a year old) & because I believed she might be right.  Maybe I couldn't be a good mother.  I thank God that I didn't listen to her, but listened instead to my own heart.  

Had my daughter faced an unplanned pregnancy, I would have done everything in my power to encourage her to keep her child and anything I could to HELP her mother her child.

Help your DAUGHTER decide what's best for her & her child. But don't make this decision for her. You will live to regret it. You may loose your daughter as well as your grandchild if you force her to relinquish.  I don't want to be harsh, just please, be careful for your whole family's sake.

This is YOUR grandchild!  Are you prepared to not see this child for at least 18 years? Maybe longer? Not know your own grandchild? Not watch him/her grow up?  If not, consider open adoption. But also realize that open adoptions often do not remain open.  

You may feel far too young to be a "grandma".  I did. I'm "yia yia" (Greek for grandma) to my grandchildren (3 now).

Good luck and God bless...truly.  My heart is with you. Please feel free to contact me directly...

There is much help and support out there today that there wasn't when I had my daughter over 30 years ago.

ETA: I graduated HS after her birth. Attended & graduated college after my divorce (as a single mom). Raised both my children as a single parent for most of their lives. Owned my own home, had a good job etc. The first couple of years were rocky. But I grew up fast and rose to the occassion. Consider giving your daughter that opportunity.  She might amaze you!

ALSO, PLEASE read "THE GIRLS WHO WENT AWAY" by Ann Fessler. Available in most libraries. VERY informative. You have time to make this life changing decision. No need to rush!

ETA: 'Juno' is a FICTIONAL movie.  NOT real life.

"The Girls Who Went Away", on the other hand, is a collection of TRUE LIFE STORIES of the girls & women who relinquished in the decades between the 1940's & 1970's, and the profound, lasting effects it had on their lives.

http://www.amazon.com/Girls-Who-Went-Awa...

Answer 3

I think your daughter should do a closed adoption.  It's better for her to be able to move on with her life and goals.  It's also better for the baby to have both a mother and father to raise & nuture the baby properly.

I had a baby too young at 18.  I wasn't married and I decided to keep my little girl.  She's now 14 and now I have to deal with sharing her with her father for visitation.  It's hard now because I'm now married with 2 other children.  I have to explain to them why she has a different Dad.  It's not the way a family should be.

Also, there are so many couples out there that want to adopt a baby because they cannot have one themselves.

Answer 4

grapes...stated it best.  not too much i can add...

but, here's my .02.

-open adoption is not legally enforceable.  many aparents will promise your daughter the sun, moon and stars just to slam the door shut the second before the ink is dry.

-i was pregnant young and my father suggested adoption. it was a heart-wrenching situation, which later resulted in a 16 year, very fragmented relationship between us. he felt it was best for me.  when in actuality it was what he thought was best for him.  see, daughters pregnant out of wedlock often cast a negative light on their parents.  hence, the reason why so many suggest adoption.

-i did not place my son, in the end.  and have gone on to complete my education, and plan to receive an earned doctorate in 2009.

-there is NO guarantee that your grandchild will be in a better situation.  adoptive parents are not immune to marital conflict, abuse, divorce, alcoholism and other pathologies.

-it really needs to be your daughter's decision.  

-do not respond to emails on-line.  most of these people are trolling for babies because they either don't qualify at agencies or they are trying to score a kid, cheaply...

-stick around and read how many people feel about "birthmothers."  

-most people who are suggesting closed adoption have never been pregnant, are not an adoptee, nor considered placing a child.  in other words, many are operating through a lens that is a bit "clouded."

-after you watch "juno", watch the "handmaid's tale."  

i sincerely wish you the best...

Answer 5

I have been in your position. My daughter also found herself pregnant.

First of all, it needs to be HER decision, and the father's if he is involved. All you can do is support them in their decision.

IF adoption is chosen, in my opinion, an open adoption is best.

My daughter's baby was adopted by a wonderful couple who are very open with our family, we don't feel like we lost a child, but gained more family.

Open adoptions are not legally enforceable, which is something you all need to be aware of.

Good luck and God bless.

Answer 6

i would do open adoptions because it allowes you to pick the family and the family u pick will keep u updated on the childs prosess and will possibly see the child once in a while. so thats what i would choose

Answer 7

Why is abortion so frowned upon here? Are you mostly right wing fanatical religious zelots? Abortion IS an option - and it is your daughters choice. Just because you don't want the neighbourhood aware of the fact your "little princess" got knocked up is not a reason for you to make her decisions.

I feel out of all the choices I would have, adoption would be the worst. I've always thought I could not have an abortition, not because of  any religion forced down my throat, or my mum putting what she wants on something I would have to live with for the rest of my life, but I just don't know if I would be able to cope. It's personal ideology, not anyone elses. But I have always reserved the view that, while I may not be able to do it, I would never force this view onto another person - it is a womans choice (and her partner if he is involved) and she reserves the right to make that decsion free of persection or threats - esspecially from the one person who should have educated her on safe s*x, contraception and just how demanding children are.

So many young girls just need someone to love them unconditionally - and get pregnant to do so. They dont get the education the need, they dont know what they are getting themselves into - and it all comes back to poor parenting. You abort, you wonder what could have been. You live with knowing you could have had a child. You open adopt you see what you are missing, right in front of your eyes - you see your childs 'parents' raising what is yours and you have no power over how that child is raised. Worse still - closed adoption? You wonder where you little boy is, what he's doing? You wonder how your daughter is doing at school - is anyone hurting them? Are the wards of the state? are they being abused or neglected?

At least if you abort, you know they're safe. You don't cary your own flesh and blood for 9 months become attached to it and spend the rest of your life wondering if they have enough to eat tonight. I'm sure mots adoptive parents are great, but I think we've all heard enough stories, seen enough news reports to put enough doubt in our minds that we jump to the conclusion that the child we put up for adoption ends up in a paedophile ring, or is starving in a state-run home. Even if they go to a good home, what then? What is worse?

Terminating a bunch of mutated blastocytes at 6 weeks, or knowing turned your back on your baby when it was born. I know which I'd prefer.

Your daughter has more options than adoption, I'd suggest a family planning clinic WITHOUT you, because it's fairly obvious you are making decsions then telling your daughter this is how it is going to be.

Answer 8

Im glad you chose adoption rather than abortion. is there a family member that is willing to take the child until your daughter is older? I fear she will regret giving the child up in a few yrs.

Answer 9

Inexperienced in the given subject matter, but here's my thoughts...

The only reason I can think that someone would want a closed adoption is because they don't want an adopted child showing up on their door step one day that their husband didn't know about.

But something like this is big enough that it's something that needs to be shared with a future spouse.  So if you're going to have an honest relationship, then why try to "hide" giving up a child for adoption.

Answer 10

we are foster-adopt parents and we have thought about this open and closed so many times and we both honsetly believe that open would be the best.because what if something happens with the baby's health....we would at least know that we could call and ask if this problem runs in the family,ect.also then the baby would have a someone that it looked like and they would know where they are from,ect.beside families are made and they should grow with love and people.i know my family would love to grow with more family memebers...we hope that when we are blessed with our child that the family will be come part of our family...are be there for hoildays and birthday's ect.well to what ever your daugther desides may god bless her ands your family in this time of heart ache.i hope everything works out and god bless-

Answer 11

ok well im 17 and im pregnant... i thought about adoption but decided that i wanted to be there for MY baby.. everything.. adoption just makes you wonder "where's my baby" "hows my baby doing" "does my baby hate me for giving it up" "who is my child"  why would you do that to your daughter?  make her wonder for the rest of her life what she could have done different...but if you "absolutly" think adoption is best which i dont... then make it open so she can see the child..

Answer 12

if i were you i would raise the baby my self! i could never live with myself knowing that one of my own was out there! i was a fifteen year old mother, i had to raise my son by myself! he is now 13 years old, and i could'nt imagine not having him in my life! im now happily married with 5 kids. let her deal with the choices she made! just be there to help her!

Answer 13

I had an "open" adoption with friends and our relationship went south. It's now closed. There's no such thing as a LEGAL "open" adoption. It is a lie. You have no recourse.

I hate my family for not helping. I was at school in a wreck and they were mad because I didn't have an abortion. I lost my daughter and it is a h**l you will never know.

I had an abortion - felt bad for a while, but got over it

Relinquished my daughter - h**l everyday. I have to always lie when asked questions about children. Just one example. My life is a secret and a lie because there's alot of shame and guilt. People think I'm scum for giving her away. Not what I was hearing pre-adoption. I was a "saint".

Have a son - best thing that has ever happened to me.

Best wishes. Don't let your grandchild go to strangers. Sorry I can't be unbiased. I know what's ahead. I am this adamant about drinking and driving. I don't give a drunk my unbiased opinion. I am adament about how wrong it is. I'll say or do whatever it takes to keep it from happening.

Best wishes.

Answer 14

Best for whom? The child? My child was raised in a household that contained 2 drunks that were mysteriously absent during the homestudy.  Was that best?  There is NO guarantee that the child will be any better off being raised by strangers, rather than by his/her own kinfolk.

Let her decide what is best. That may take longer than you like.  You will never suffer another moment of angst throwing away your grandchild, but she very well may suffer depression the rest of her life.  This will be particularly painful when she sees schoolmates who also become pregnant, but keep their children and raise them because their parents were supportive.

Answer 15

I don't understand why everyone is so against adoption!  What about all the childless couples who yearn for a child? As a person who has been trying to get pregnant for 5 yrs, tried IVF, wondering if I can afford adoption (or the wait) I applaud mothers who are willing to give that gift to another. And adoptive parents should tell the child that they are extra special, double loved, because the natural parent loved them enough to give them to another family who longed for them. Children should be reassured that they are not abandoned. Like to believe that bad parents don't adopt. Sorry had to vent...Open adoption sounds like the easiest on the child and mother, you need to talk to your daughter and see what she can live with.

Answer 16

After seeing my cousins adoption, I feel strongly that open adoption is the best for the birthmom and the adopted child. But it's up to your DAUGHTER and what SHE wants. Has she mentioned adoption to you? Let her make her own choice.

Answer 17

I'm a little unfamiliar with this message board and don't really know the lingo, but I do know a few things. I am the biological mother of an almost fifteen year old daughter. Was I "forced" to give her up for adoption? Not exactly, but force certainly comes in a variety of ways. An early 90's adoption was in many respects far more civilized than some I've read about, but the biological mother will always be at a disadvantage - because of age, lack of education, fear, shaky support systems etc. I came from a middle class background with educated parents who should have known better than to guilt me into placing my child for adoption though I clearly was torn about the decision and actually tried to be allowed to change my mind in the weeks before the adoption became final. I was told my daughter's adoptive parents had already fallen in love with her, that I wouldn't be able to provide a good life for her, that I would ruin my own, and most damaging - that my parent's wouldn't help me in any way if I choose to discontinue the adoption process.

I made some very bad decisions in those years after my daughter was adopted. While I ultimately needed to take responsibility for those decisions and the kind of woman I wanted to be - I carried a lot of pain, a lot of guilt and a lot of memories I tried so hard to repress that were directly linked to that day I left a hospital a mother without a baby.

Yep, adoption is a wonderful, beautiful thing and my daughter went to really great people who truly wanted and love her deeply. The adoption was open and her parents have been quite vigilant over the years in keeping the lines of communication open - even when I went years without responding in any way to their letters. One of the really strange things that angered me deeply years later was when my mother told me I owed it to my daughter to see her when her birth parents requested a meeting before she reached adolesence. I wanted to scream at my mother that I owed it to myself to keep that shell around me until she reached adulthood  and I was older and I hoped better able to handle seeing my child.

I don't think my parents have ever fully understood how damaged I was by their lack of support and caring when I needed it most and how that one decision has affected my entire life.

I'm 31 and pregnant with what I sometimes think of as my first child. It's funny - I've mentioned it's my second pregnancy to only the people in the medical profession who need to know to give me medical care. To the public - I have no children hence my first pregnancy. My husband says I look sad every time someone asks me if I have other children.

Am I doing a disservice to my biological daughter by not mentioning her every time a stranger asks me about my pregnancy? I don't know, but I do know sites like this where adoptees talk about how they've always felt something missing in their lives, wonder why their biological parents didn't want them, etc..break my heart. While I'm reasonably certain my daughter is well loved, supported and nurtured - it's just one more hurt to add to the load.

Think very hard about your daughter before you start researching open and closed adoptions. While it is her decision - I'm sure you know there is a lot you can do to force her hand one way or another. I rarely talk to my parents and I question whether the choice they "helped" me make was done out of a true sense of altruism or out of a selfish reasons of their own.

Answer 18

I have no experience in adoption. however, for me, the idea of a closed adoption scares me because I'd have the baby, and then poof! gone! and I'd never know if she grew up healthy or what her home was like. if she needed to know about my family's medical history her adoptive parents would have to explain everything to her, especially why I'm not in her life. in an open adoption, I'd like to think that I wouldn't miss everything.

inevitably, it comes down to what she decides. she is 16. girls younger than her have taken care of their children. it's definitely not ideal, but it can work if she has the proper support system. she needs to decide what she wants to do, and you have to tell her about the real world, how hard it is to raise a child, find a sitter or daycare, buy diapers, etc. and let her decide. besides, how are you going to feel knowing that someone else is raising your grandbaby?

whatever you decide, good luck. and hopefully you two decide what is best for her situation.

Answer 19

I'm all for adoption done right. Unfortunately there is no way of knowing that until years later when your grandchild finds you and tells you that everything turned out alright. There are years of heart ache and worry inbetween that can all but consume a person.

My daughter and I have been in reunion for almost 9 years. We have recently found her father and she is very pleased to finally feel like a whole person at the age of 35. Her father never forgot about her or what we did.Our decision forever changed both of our lives as well as hers.  It isn't your decision, but if you want to help your daughter, support what ever decision she makes, and if it's adoption be ready for the rollercoaster ride.

This is not a squat and walk away proccess. You do not get on with your life. That includes you grandma. The days may pass, your life may go on but you have forever altered something that you will never be able to forget. Nor will you be at peace until the day (if it comes) that you are given a second chance. You will worry, you will wonder, you will feel guilty, and you will not realize it until it is to late, no matter how much you think you are prepared. It is an undescribable pit, in not just your stomach but in your soul. Adoption done right is a good thing. But its not something you have any control over. The best "you" can do is take your chances, hope, and wait. I don't recommend it.

I suggest some independent reading on family history and heridetary illness, original birth certificates, ancestory, "fathers rights", "grand parents rights", where the child goes if the adoptors change their mind, and foster care.

My daughter found her face a few months ago. She doesn't look like me, she doesn't look like her father. She is the mirror image of her grandmother. Now is not the time for decisions, now is the time for information, and i do not mean from an agency. You both need to read to make sure you are ready for what lies ahead of you.

I do wish you the best of luck.

Answer 20

Are you making her put the baby up for adoptionor was it her choose,  you will miss the baby as she will miss the baby, don't make her do this.

I would just help her raise the baby!

Answer 21

Good Luck, I attempted however I could not stomache it and neither can my wife or three sons. My daughter is bringing my Grandbaby home.

How much influence should Grandparents have on Birth Mother's adoption decision?   Was my question, I learned quite a bit from people who did not agree with me.

Answer 22

This is her baby. Let he make the choice. Stand by her and help, but do not push. She needs ALL the info on ALL her choices. Planned Parenthood, Pregnancy Help Center, whatever is in your area is a good place to start.

Answer 23

Why can't you just help raise her child until she's old enough and educated enough to do it herself?    After all, that's your grandchild, ya' know!

If you talk her into giving up her child, chances are she'll really resent you later.  Even open adoptions sometimes wind up being closed, because the adoptive family sometimes moves and leaves no forwarding address.  Bummer!  How would you feel then, watching your daughter be depressed for perhaps the rest of her life, telling you she hates you, perhaps she'll run away.  You never know...  

Also, the child might search when she's older, and your daughter, if they find each other, will have to say "Your grandma made me give you up".  How will you feel about that?

Please think long and hard, along with your daughter, about all the options, and don't try to persuade her in any way.  Be there for her.  Don't let her down.  This decision will stay with you forever.

.

Answer 24

It is clear you no nothing of how it feels to lose your mother at birth. What about how the baby will feel? We are biologically created to be with our mothers. Parents are not interchangeable. As an adoptee, I feel that being returned to our maker is far kinder than mother-infant separation. Emotionally it causes great harm to the infant and growing adoptee.

Please read about the primal wound, and the pain mothers who are disembabied suffer. Then attempt to share how either could be for the best.

What kind or grandmother are you anyway? Adoption doesn't erase the fact you are advocating the sale/abandonment/"placed" (which is the preferred term the industry likes to use) of your grandchild....are you still operating under a state of shock?

You make no mention of what your daughter wishes to do. It is her decesion. Regrettably it is often lack of proper s*x education which leads to this circumstance. The popularity of "adsintence only" "education is creating this climate, as well as the lack of meaningful communicaion between parents and teenagers.

Anyway, congratulations on the new addition your family will soon have.  You are quite wrong if you think adoption will fade away... the loss will always be with you, and all the futures branches of your family that you are willing to prune away.

Answer 25

before you try to push your daughter into this please read Ms AK's question about four up from yours if you click on pregnancy and parenting and then adoption.

Hope this helps

Answer 26

Well, I'm not a parent, but I am an adoptee, so I know my vote won't weight in as heavily.

I think you and your daughter should really really talk the whole open/closed issue through. Depending on her maturity level, she may not want to have anything to do with the baby's life beyond her pregnancy. I hope that isn't the case, but I know it can be at times.

It is my personal opinion that the only time you should ever do a closed adoption is if the child's life is in danger by keeping it open. (For example, no one in their right mind should let a child have an open adoption if there is a risk of a drug addicted stoned biological parent breaking into the house to steal their kid back.)

One thing that you should remember is there are different types of open adoptions. The first is what I like to call "'fully open" this is where your daughter would get to visit from time to time, when arranged with the adoptive parents. She may still get to attend birthday parties and such, but this is at the discression of the adoptive parents, as they will be the child's actual parents. The second I call " Semi-open" this means that the birth parents can contact your daughter, usually once or twice a year by letter, to send pictures and just give her a general update on how things are going. Usually the child doesn't get involved until their teenage years, and that's only if they want to. In my personal opinion, semi-open may be the best, because the child will not feel isolated, they will have the information on how to contact your daughter if they want to, and your daughter will still get some information, which is much better than not knowing at all. Then there is "barely open" where the birth records are not sealed, the adoptive parents have your daughters basic info and contact information. Barely opens are usually the result of an attempt to do an open adoption but for some reason or another, the birth parents or the adoptive parents lose touch with one another. Barely open isn't great, but its still better than closed.

Closed is extremely painful for both the child and the birth mother. You and your daughter will never know what happens to the baby. Closed adoption is like having a child go missing, you never know if there happy, you never even know if they are alive. Maybe if your lucky decades later an the child is extremely persistant - enough so to get through all the red tape to find you, you might - but the process of all that is difficult for the child, and why add to the pain?

Good luck with whatever you choose.

Answer 27

sweety i know you think you are doing what's best for your daughter but put it out there the way it is. her age has nothing to do with it. my friend had her daughter when she was 15 her grandmother is only 35 years older than her so you can imagine how old her grandmother was when she had her mom and how old her mother was when she had her. age doesn' t matter. they all went to school, college, and have great jobs. my firends daughter just graduated from unc-greensboro at 22 years old and is going back to school at UNC-Chapel Hill to get her masters so she can be a highly qualified nurse. age has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Now if you already know that your family structure isn't that strong and she won't have anyone to support her efforts then yeah it might be a good thing to do. but it would say more about what you're willing to deal with than what she is. anything can be done with support. but if you hate he fact that she's pregnant more than you are over joyed that you have a grandchild then she is already alone.

Answer 28

1. You should support your daughter in what SHE wants to do - and that decision should also include the child's father.

You - as a caring mother - should support her in what SHE wants - not what YOU want.

2. Sadly - you seem to be making this all about YOU - when this is clearly about your daughter and about your future grandchild.

It worries me that you would consider giving away your own flesh and blood so easily to a family of complete strangers.

It worries me - because I am one of those children - and it hurt - to never grow up amongst the family that I am forever biologically linked to - not knowing those that looked like me - acted like me - had talents just like me.

There was no good reason for my relinquishment - and that is an extremely painful thing to live with.

3. Your daughter will never forget this child - and never just - 'get over it'. She will have carried this child for 9 months - gone through major pain to bring her child into the world - and you want her to give the child away - and move on with life??

It's really not that easy.

4. My mother was forced by her mother to give away two children to adoption. My mother has NEVER recovered from those events emotionally.

I am very angry that my own grandmother would place such little value on me.

Your grandchild could also hold similar feelings if he/she learns that it was your decision and not his/her mothers.

5. If adoption really MUST happen - open adoption is best - as an adoptee needs to know (physically) where they came from. It's better for the child's self worth and self identity.

But - be aware - open adoptions are not legally enforceable - meaning - the adoptive parents can close up the adoption any time they choose.

6. Please look closely as to your reasons for wanting adoption. List every thing on paper.

Adoption should be a last option - only if absolutely needed.

Otherwise the child - and the mother - will most likely suffer great emotional pain - for the rest of their lives.

Adoption is a long term solution to an often short term problem.

Your daughter is young now - but she won't be forever.

I'm 38 - and half way through my degree now. I have 3 beautiful daughters, a loving husband - we own our own home.

Things don't have to happen in any particular order - just to 'fit' in with the norm.

I'm sorry if my answer upsets you - but I know too many adoptees and relinquishing mothers - that all just needed people to help them stay together - instead of trying to rip them apart.

Please think long and hard about the decisions that lie ahead - and support your daughter in whatever SHE decides to do.

That is your job as a loving mother.

Be there - she needs YOU to be on her side - the most.

Answer 29

When you say young daughter how old do you mean ?

Why dont you help her raise YOUR Granddaughter

They will both appreciate you in the long run x

Answer 30

I gave up my daughter in 1972, I lived the next 30 years without her, without knowing where she was, how she was, what she looked like, and was she OK. She was a secret so I lived a lie, I suffered from depression and guilt, a lot of guilt, imagine you, giving up your daughter, how would you feel? All adoptions are pretty much closed, some agree to open adoptions but then they back out and they can do that legally. How old is she? Can you help? Do you really never want to see your grandchild. I've been in reunion since 2001 and finding her has helped me live with the guilt. She had a great amom, but she still has issues with abandonment and self esteem. Make sure you both talk to as many first moms as you can. They will tell you how it is to live without your baby. It's a hurt that never heals.

Answer 31

I was adopted and it was the best thing that could have ever happened.  I also have had an abortion (I was 19) and it was very painful (but possible) to get over it.  My adopted mother is the greatest women I could ever know, and I also am grateful to my birth mother (I never met her).  What ever your daughter chooses she and the baby will be fine.