Myself,,,,, comment please,,,?

Question

I am living in peace,,

I feel centered and aware,,,

of my higher nature with,,

every breath I take,,,

I remain always open,,

to the will of God,,,,

trusting in his love,,

I no longer believe my fear,,,

I am working at a job,,,

that is healthy for me,,,,

contributes to the world,,,

and allows me to express,,

my creativity,,,

My work furthers my peace,,

My work is also for God,,

I am everyday learning,,,,

to love more deeply,,

truly and unconditionally,,

myself,

my lover,

and all those around me,,,

All this is true.

Answer 1

Sorry but this reads more like an interview with you trying to impress the employer. there is no structure, no message and no point to it as a poem. I think you need to re-structure and emphasise on a particular point/message, something others are going to want to read and be inspired from or something that pushes an emotional button, a story.

Answer 2

Nice thoughts, needs more heart and passion expression,

Don't give up on a rewrite.

Answer 3

This is a convincing inventory of "where you're at".

The reader may not agree with the sentiments expressed, but there's no denying the quiet conviction here, and the enviable inner peace.

Answer 4

i have no doubt about it... ;-p

Answer 5

It is good to hear that some-one has worked out a life-style that provides them with their every need.

There is nothing dramatic here - just a simple statement of where you are at.

I have no belief in God - but, apart from that I feel much as you do (however, I don't think many people would be interested in my personal slant on life)  

Answer 6

I can "feel" your poem, however, it has too many "I"and "my" which is distracting, i see your poem like this:-

living in peace,,

centred and aware,,,

higher nature within

every breath I take

Trusting in his love

the will of God

remains always open

no room for fear.

expressing my creativity

furthers my peace

My work?

Everyday learning

love more deeply

truly and unconditionally

myself,

my lover,

and all those around me,

are for my God