NANNY 911! How do i get my obnoxious kids to behave?

Question

I have 4 kids, ages 6,5,3 and 2.. None of my kids listens to me :( I have tried positive reinforcement, I have tried bribery I have tried spankings I have tried grounding, I have tried removing all their toys.. I have gotten down on 1 knee and spoken face to face, I have used my FIRM voice..NONE of this has worked.. I find myself yelling by like 10am because Emily is provoking bubba into sneaking outside with condiments from fridge. Or Shayla destroying (yet again ) one of her books, tearing it up into a million peices,, Or whatever the case may be.. As soon as we leave the babsitters house my children scatter in different directions and i cant run in 4 directions at once.They run in the street... BELEIVE me i firmly tell them they need to get back over here and get in the car, but that would be to easy. No they are 15 blocks down the road by then..And running..skipping or playing.. Like they didnt even hear a word i said. If i say to sit down at the laundromat and watch cartoons they are all into the coffee machine, vending machines and everything except sitting down listening.. Ahhhh HELP!!! I really NEED to regain controll of the kids.. My kids do listen to their dad though.. But I firmly beleive its because he hits them..Hard.. I do not like this or agree with it but i cant tell him how to parent his chilren. He says i should hit them and they would listen to me also.. But they are afraid of him, i dont want that for me. I just want them to listen and behave.. Plus they would get less spankens from there dad if they listend..Any suggestions that work are welcome.. Thanks..

Answer 1

children are very unreasonable. I'm going through a similar situation, and its not easy.

Answer 2

well! i have only 1 child who's 5. i know it's really annoying when they just won't listen. i'm a teacher, and i do believe in discipline. but for discipline to be effective it has to have 2 important factors : CONSISTENCY and FAIRNESS.

1. the fact that you've tried all sort of reinforcement shows the lack of consistency. when you choose some kind of "punishment" you have to stick to it. what do you do once you've picked the children up in your car again? because that deserves a big spank or punishment. sometimes when i watch mums trying to discipline their children, like when the child is crying that he wants candy in a shop and the mother wouldn't even look at the child in his eyes when she speaks to him. she just says "no" or "stop that", and continues talking to her friends or someone. that's not disciplining. i'd stop, get down to eye level and say something like "i've already said no, won't be saying it again, if you don't stop now, you're on punishment" - and mean it. when you say you're giving them a punishment, you give it, and that's that!

2. fairness. i give out punishments in class (not beat them ok!) but children respect me and don't hate me. because i'm fair. first you have to be clear about the rules. for example: if you tear that book i'd take your pacifier/blanket away! then the child will know the consequences of her actions. so when you punish them for breaking the rules, you'd be fair because they knew the deal beforehand. so you say things lik " ok, you know what happen if you continue this behavior - you'll get that punishment!" and then if they don't stop you deliver.

shouting across the streets will only make you look like a fool, and the children won't have any respect for you whatsoever. you have to learn to be firm, consistent and fair. and you know the saying, sometimes "you have to be cruel to be kind", and whoever said that must have brought up good kids.

good luck and if your husband beats them, as long as it's not aggressive beating, maybe spanking on the leg etc...when they deserve it, it's not going to kill them, and it doesn't mean they'll learn to hate him. mum beated us when we were naughty, never really hurt us or anything cruel, but all my siblings love her and respect her!

Answer 3

Are you using "I" messages? (I see toys scattered all across the floor, and I feel very _________ (describe mood) about that.) or how about "123 Magic" here's my version of that technique: I'm going to close my eyes, and count to 3. When I'm done, I will have 3 kids (the two yr. old doesn't count for this one.) doing "xyz" (can be picking up the toys from floor, getting ready to get into pajamas (count reaaaaaalllllly slowly!! or count to 10 or 20. -- the point is for them to be successful, not for them to get into trouble, because they haven't done what you wanted them to do in time.) the classic version of 123 Magic is --- when they are misbehaving say that's 1. if I see you continue doing this (whatever wrong thing they're doing), you will have to (go to your room for 5 min. or go to bed early or things like that) the next time you see they continue misbehaviour say that's 2 (and that's all you say!!) THEN  that's 3. and follow through with consequences.

Also google Marvin Marshall for a whole new approach that just might be the key to what you need.

Good Luck

Answer 4

I was never abused, and I wasn't afraid of my dad, but I had a healthy respect for him when he said one. He'd count, and if I hadn't done as I was told by the time he hit three I'd get one hard swat across the backside. I'd know I'd got a swat, unlike when my mom did it, and I'd think twice before doing it again.

Answer 5

you need to be more then firm.... these children are too old to be disrespecting you how have you let it get this bad?? You need to start get control of them... if smacking works for their father then you need to do it too, you may not like it but would you prefer them to get hurt because they dont listen to you??? You also need to implement a chart, draw up a huge chart with their names on it and a row for each day of the week. Each day they have to try to earn a star by doing good thing and listening to what they are told and if they are naughty then they get a unhappy face, at the end of the week count up the start and minus that from unhappy faces and then right the number at the start of the next week when they reach 25 stars then they get a small prize and then the next number is 50 and so on PLUS the best girl of each day get something. This really works as long as you make the prizes worth it (eg something they cant get any other way but a through this, what my mother did was each 25 she would give us a 'token' and we had to save up the tokens to be able to buy a toy that we really wanted... i wanted a jungle kitty and it took me 3 weeks to get it! 15 years ago)

Also to protect them from running on the road and such try strings around their wrist like leads, tell them that once they can be trusted then the lead will come off. BE TOUGH! its for their own good.

Good Luck and be strong... dont bend to their will!

Answer 6

The kids listen to your husband not because he hits them but because they are afraid of him.  As they grow they will lose respect for him and simply do what he says to keep from being beaten.  Being taught to hit they will more likely have problems in school hitting other students because they have been taught that hitting is appropriate when one is angry.  You may also find that as teens they will become violent in the home maybe even hitting you back or beating up on you.  But that is what your husband is teaching him so obviously that is what he wants them to learn, and you seem to be agreeable with it.  

Your lack of consistency has created the problems you are having.  You have gone from on method of discipline to another and to another.  You have confused your children and your husband has made them fear him.  One of the saddest things to ever witness is a child cringing from their parent and I have seen this happen.  I've heard a child beg "daddy don't hit me please" and cover herself because she knew what was coming next.  This is what you have the chance of witnessing as long as your husband continues to hit your children.  And before you claim that he doesn't "hit" your children, that he "spanks" them.  I will give you what Merriram Webster's dictionary has on the words hit and spank...

Hit:   to strike a blow

Spank:  to strike

Answer 7

i feel your pain.  i also have 4 children, whose ages are 14, 11, 8 and 5.  i really wish that i had an easy answer for you, but unfortunately there isnt one.  when you find something that works, no matter what stick to it.  the key is persistance.  i had that problem for a long time too, but once i finally found something that worked, we stuck to it.  the 2 things that really helped my husband and i were to get on the same page with disapline. children learn very early how to play us and if they get away with it once they will keep pushing farther and farther.  the 2 nd thing is not to show any "fear" so to speak.  they might out number you but they need to know that you are still the boss.  dont use threats like wait til your dad gets home. deal with the problem when it happens, and make sure when you punish that your child knows exactly what they are in trouble for.  then after the punishment, explain to them again.  if appology's are in order do those to.and make sure that you tell your child that the reason you are disaplining them is because you love them and you were put in charge of making sure that they grow up to be good boys and girls. disapline is tough and it takes time, but if done with love your children are bond to get the point sooner than later. and it wont take to long before you see your hard work pay off.  before you set a way of disapline though you and your husband need to talk ( where the kids cant hear you ) and come to some sort of agreement on disapline that can work for the both of you cause if you are not on the same page, you will never have any luck. also important note too is to never tell your husband how much you disagree with the way he punishes the kids while the kids are present.  this belittles him and makes things alot worse, trust me. i went through the exact same thing here not long ago.  and if you cant get things worked out, i suggest counseling. hope some of this helps