Name Changing?

Question

What do you think of women changing their name when married?

I'm getting married in December and really struggling with the idea.

I love my FH's family and can't wait to officially be a part of it.. but the idea of identifying myself as someone new after the wedding is so strange to me.

I don't like having people EXPECT me to do it.. and it really bugs me when they expect me to be excited about it (like wanting to throw me a "monagram shower" with my "new" initials).

However, I really want to be a cohesive family unit, and would hate to feel disconnected from my husband/children because I have a different last name. I don't think making up a new name is even an option for us.

Any ideas or suggestions.

Answer 1

Wow, tough decision.  I kept my name when I got married.  I didn't see why I should have to give up my identity--I was 28 and had degrees, property, and loans in my own name.  Why would I confuse the issue by taking his name?  He didn't have a problem with my not taking his name, but if he had been the sort of guy who did, I wouldn't have married him.  I had to straighten some people out, including my mom, that I am not "Mrs. Joe Smith," I'm still "Ms. Sue Jones."  The way it has played out is that social stuff tends to be addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. Joe Smith," which is fine, but all my professional correspondence is to "Ms. Sue Jones," although at work functions he is sometimes addressed as "Mr. Jones."  We laugh about it.  If we had kids I'm sure they'd be confused, but we're not going to so it's not an issue.

One thing I would advise against is hyphenating.  My best friend did that and her name was hugely long, it was always a hassle to look up for reservations, and when she got divorced she had to change it back anyway.

If your husband is open to the idea of taking on a whole new last name, go for it.  But mostly it's what you and your husband agree on and are comfortable with.  Trying to please your families is a recipe for insanity, so don't even try it.  (Trust me on this.)  I would definitely quash the "monogram shower" idea, at least until you've made your decision and are comfortable with the idea, if that's the way you decide.

Answer 2

a true wife takes husbands name. dont marry him if you cant commit. from man perspective it look like you try cheat on him and view him as disposable and worthless.

Answer 3

Women NEVER regret keeping their own name but occasionally regret changing their name.  Where I got was I suddenly realized "names" didn't mean so much to me and I took his name proudly.  But, when I divorced him a quarter of a century later and the judge asked if I wanted to keep my married name or go back to my maiden name, I couldn't bear changing back because I identified myself with my married name, having had it longer than I had my married name.  And, my maiden name is Irish and EXTREMELY surprisingly funny, something as shockingly funny as "L******z", so, that certainly weighed my decision in favor of keeping my dignified married name.  But, as I stood there contemplating the judge's question, it suddenly occurred to me that I should keep my married name to honor my SON.  I am glad I did, too.  Just thought I'd add those considerations to all the good answers you're getting.  Names have different meanings to people.  Like Tracey said, only YOU can make this very individual and personal decision.  But, please consider discussing this with your fiance to assess HIS feelings or meanings about names.  He might surprise you and genuinely not care one way or another.  But, bottom line, make it YOUR decision based on YOUR feelings.

Answer 4

You really just have to stop and think of the real reason you do not want to take your husbands name. With me, I never thought I would do any different than taking his name. It is just a way a woman shows respect for her husband. She is telling him "I want to be your family." Plus my husband has a very unique and beautiful last name. It goes very well with my first name. Taking his name isn't going to make you dependent on him. Think of your future husband too, what would he think if you told him you didn't want to take his name? Ultimately, it is your choice, but I thought that I should give you my advice on taking his name since Tracey did a good job with her answer about not taking his name.

EDIT: If you decide to take his name, you can add your maiden name as one of your childrens middle names(if it isn't something like Shmoot...lol). That way it is still in the family and it could become a family tradition to name one of their children that and so on and so forth.

EXAMPLE: Issac Wallace Smith

Answer 5

I plan on changing my last name when I get married... its a personal choice.

If you feel it is right then it is, if you feel like your are giving up a part of yourself then think about it for a bit. You can always change your name later on *(like when you get pregnant or something). get married and talk to him about it, see what he feels. If he really wants you to, would you? If your answer is no, then why are you getting married?

Answer 6

Ok,

If you're going to hyphenate.......Then the male should get to change something as well.

Like your first name.

Instead of Taylor Jones-Smith you could be

Shaniqua Jones-Smith

How cool would that be.

Answer 7

It's up to you, but I would never keep my father's name over my husband's.

To me that's just plain weird.

Answer 8

Did you notice the ones telling you that they didn't change their name are all divorced?  Don't trust advice from from people who don't know how to keep a marriage together.

Answer 9

I did not change my name.  It was not a problem to my children.   My entire identity is in my birth name.      You are no less cohesive and are not disconnected with the name you have had your entire life.

Answer 10

Only you can decide what you want to do. There's nothing wrong with whatever choice you make

Personally, I have never and will never. I have never felt "disconnected" from my spouse and daughter because I have a different last name. After my ex-husband and I got married, I got wedding cards addressed to "Mrs. Husband's First Name/Last Name," like getting married eradicated my individuality. Even though I wasn't changing, my older relatives assumed I was.

Answer 11

I took my ex-husband's name when I married him, and I will take my boyfriends name (if we get married - and if we don't that's cool too).

To me, it is a personal choice. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to keep your name if you want. I don't see it as a lack of commitment - that's silly. Why get married then?

If you are afraid of commitment, you wouldn't get married.

Do what you want. I am somewhat of a traditionalist when it comes to this, which is why I will take his name. But as for the rest of tradition, I can take it or leave it.

You do the same! :)

Answer 12

As a husband who has a wife with a hyphenated name, I can say I personally didn't care that she kept her maiden name as well as adding mine.

However, that little hyphen has been a pain in both out rear ends. Her name is never right, she can never find herself on nothing. They have to check every variation everywhere.

I have also have two female friends that got married and just kept their maiden name. No hyphen at all. To me it seems like a sign that they knew the marriage wasn't going to last long. Both are divorced and out looking for Mr. Right again.

Answer 13

I can only answer from my point of view - and that was that it never occurred to me to do anything other than take my husband's name.  I guess I am very traditional with things like that, but I think when you agree to marry a man, you do it properly!  I had a fab sir name as I'm half Italian, and everyone commented to me that I should keep it - but it just seemed to me that it would be a terrible shame, and I'm so proud to be married to my husband that I would just hate not to be "Mrs X".  I still love to tell what my maiden name was, but I think half the reason is just so that I can get it into conversation that I'm married!

With regard your comment about children, I can't think of anything worse than having a different last name to them.  Imagine registering them for school, or for the Dr and having to clarify that they are your children, just because your names are different.  Again, just my opinion, but I just think that a family is a single unit, and as such should have one name, not several.

Answer 14

People still actually marry? If I was one of the few, I wouldn't marry if she didn't take my name... if she loved me enough and wanted to be married our whole lives, it wouldn't be a big deal to change it.

I understand women feeling like they don't want to change the last name anymore because marriages don't last anymore... and when few are marrying and most are 'individualistic', there is no need to connect yourself to being a family.

Answer 15

You are correct.  The woman changing her last name is a tired old tradition and is a holdover from days when a woman was her father's property, but when she married she became her husband's property.

I do think that it's nice when the whole family has the same last name...but why should WOMEN always be the ones to sacrifice theirs?  It's total B.S.  Then again, I don't see why men should have to sacrifice their names either, as that would be equally unfair.  

That's why I favor making up a new name, though you've said that's not an option.  Another option is to choose a word that has a special significance to the two of you, and use it as your last name, for example, the town where the two of you met, or the restaurant where you had your first date.  Also, you could always hyphenate, if your last names aren't too big.  Finally, you could always just keep your names as they are, and hyphenate your children's names.  

There are plenty of options.  Don't give up your last name.  There's no reason why you should have to, and you're right; it's rude for people to expect you to.

Answer 16

Sorry, but of course people are going to assume that you are taking his last name.  This is how it is traditionally done.  Are you upset when people assume he will get you a ring?  If you are deviating from the tradition, it is your responsibility to let people know.  Since you haven't even decided that for yourself, how can you be angry with them?  Also, I believe that a woman should take her husband's name.  It enhances the committment.  Why should it matter...this is forever right?  Personally, if I ever have a lapse in sanity and do get married I'll gladly give up this part of the tradition.  In return, all I'll ask is that we have a small wedding, she buys the rings and we have a prenup that says we keep everything we came in with and half of what we aquire during the marriage WHEN we divorce.

Answer 17

For me it was simple.  My maiden name was hard to spell, so I gladly took my husband's ordinary name.  it was a pleasure not to have to spell it every time I said it.  When we divorced I kept it, for ease of spelling, and I was known professionally by that name.  If I marry again, and decide not to have kids, then I will keep my name.

It IS a big change to change your name because your identity IS in your name.  But if you plan to have children, at least hyphenate your last name to his.  I think it is easier on the kids.

Answer 18

If she wants to change her name, that is fine, but keeping her maiden name or hyphenating are good options too.  It all depends on what makes you feel the most comfotable.  Personally, when I get married, I plan on hyphenating my name.

Answer 19

This was a huge issue for me, as well.  Both of us have quite a few older relatives and they automatically assumed I was changing my name.  I didn't let it bother me, they come from generations when "it was just done that way" and there weren't any other options.  I didn't change my last name and it has never left me feeling disconnected with the rest of my family.  In fact, it made us all closer because my partner is proud of the professional accomplishments I have made, the professional accomplishments he's made, and the personal accomplishments we've made.  

The bottom line is that you can't let anyone else make your decisions for you.  If you choose to change your last name, than good for you.  If you choose to keep your last name, than good for you.  If you're hesitant about changing your last name than keep your last name until you've made up your mind...there is nothing stopping you from changing it later if you want to do that at some point down the road.  Do what feels right to you and everything else will fall into place.

Answer 20

If you don't want to change your name don't do it. For heaven's sake, it's the 21st century last time I looked. Admittedly I do have to check every time I log in here, but I'm pretty sure it is.

Hyphenate your names, or have some kids named after you and some after your husband.

Why the h**l do some women hyphenate their names and their husbands don't?

Answer 21

I've been married for 12 years and I didn't change my name.  The kids (aged 8, 5 and 3) have my husband's surname and it has never caused any problems or awkwardness.

I talked to my husband about it before we got married and I asked him if he wanted to change his name.  He didn't.  And neither did I.  It's always been my name.  (That old chestnut about it being my father's name totally misses the point.)

My in-laws were unsure how to take it, but I explained that I'm very proud of their name and was looking forward to passing it on to my children.  They accepted my decision, but still generally send postcards etc to Mr and Mrs Husband'sName.  I don't get upset about that.

I think people, especially the older generation, expect it to be more of an issue than it is.  But in this day and age, no one even blinks when children have different surnames from the parents.  Divorce and illegitimacy are no longer stigmatised and plenty of women now keep their names.