Name change and tattoo to do with my adoption?

Question

I feel this is a bit of an odd question but wondered what you guys thought.

I have always felt uncomfortable with my surname given to me by my adoptive parents and was always certain I wanted to change it to my birth family's name, but I am unsure, and wonder if I might be making amistake. Then I thought I could do something just as perminant but less obvious by getting a small tattoo with the name on it as a connection to them. I just can't decide, either one could turn out to be a mistake and I feel like I'm letting down my adoptive parents. Should I just be brave and change my surname, or do something a little less obvious like getting a tattoo that symbolises my bio-family.

Answer 1

Changing my name was one of the most empowering things I ever did.  Getting a tattoo, for me, was about claiming my BODY, but changing my name was about claiming my SELF.

I'm not an adoptee, but I thought that little tidbit from my brain might be useful.

Answer 2

That's sweet and thoughtful of you. You haven't betrayed anyone. Are you betraying a friend, when you add a new friend to your life? Are you betraying one grandparent, when you visit the other? I hope your Aparents would be happy for you, you have more family. No one is replacing the other, you just have more to love. When your siblings get married and have children, will you be betraying someone because your heart grows bigger and you love them?

As for the tatoo, I am probably closer to your first families age, maybe older. I still haven't gotten used to seeing people with all these tatoos. I accept them, it's just different. I hope my child never gets one. I know he loves me and he doesn't have to put a tatoo on his body to prove it to me. You're a sweetheart, hon, you don't have to "prove" anything to anyone. Ask them. If they are "hip" to that sortof thing, then put it somewhere indiscreet. If my daughter, "Lauren" proposed that idea, I would tell her not to worry about it.

Now that my mom has passed, and she made me feel like c**p about myself, I hate my name. I don't even use it. I plan on legally changing it within the year. I have felt this way since I was a teenager. Give it some time. Sounds like you have alot on your plate right now. I'm sure your first family loves you just the way you are right now, name and all. I've always been told, "When in doubt, DON'T." So, until you're 100% sure about your feelings, I would just wait it out.

Best wishes.

"Lauren's" first mom

Sam's mom

Answer 3

It's entirely up to you, of course.  I did change my surname back.  My amom is passed and my afather chooses to have few relationships with family members, including me.  I do, however, have a wonderful relationship with my first family.

Your last name is about YOUR identity.    But, if you feel that one family or the other could end up feeling hurt, you might consider a hyphenated last name that includes both family's surnames.

Answer 4

Don't do either, just yet - until you are absolutely certain.  Your connection to your birth family is real - you don't need a tattoo to remind yourself of that (and I'm not anti-tattoo, btw, I have loads!).  

When you say you are uncomfortable with your surname, is it simply that you don't like it, or is it a symptom of a deeper alienation from your adoptive parents? You need to work out why it matters to you, before you take steps to do anything about it.

There's no right or wrong answer - keep your name, change it to that of your birth family, or just pick a name you really like that bears no relation to either family - but suits YOU.

Good luck with your decision - just don't rush into anything.

Answer 5

I am not a big fan of tatoos.... and wonder where you might plan to tatoo your husbands last name? Or maybe that isn't an issue today?

I don't like any of the surnames I have been stuck with--all 3 legal surnames I have had (Maiden--first husband--second husband) have been long--hard to spell in all cases Silly sounding...  I wish I could just be Jones...Smith or Johnson...

I would do whatevery makes you happy....

Answer 6

Personally, as an adoptive mom, my feelings would NOT be hurt if DD changed her name back when she is older.....what's in a name? It's yours.....you have a right to take it back.

Her adoption will be finalized next month....she knows who her mom is and what is last name is...we decided to keep her surname as a second middle name. When she is older if she wants to drop our surname...so be it. :-)

Answer 7

a name is not who you are.  Like the saying goes a Rose by any other name will smell as sweet. Your connection to your birth and adoptive family is not the name that they gave you but the love they gave you.  Do what you want with the name.

Answer 8

This is a really tough question. I think I would go with the tattoo if all you really want to feel is some kind of connection with your biological family.

How long have you been with your adoptive parents? If it has been a long time they may see you changing your name as a slap in the face. I am sure the last thing you want to do is hurt their feelings.

Have you had contact with your biological family? Do you have a relationship with them? If no, the tattoo is the way to go.

Answer 9

You look young.  I'll give you a little tidbit that i didn't know until marriage.  If or when you decide to marry, you can get rid of your aparents last name you don't like and you can basically rename yourself free.  

You can make your middle name anything you'd like.  Some women change their maiden name to their middle name but you could also change your middle name to your first family's last name.  That way both things you want to accomplish can happen without upsetting anyone.

Just a thought.  I did also find renaming myself empowering too.  Good Luck with what ever you decide.

Answer 10

Personally, I love tattoo's. I think they're a great form of self expression.

Your body becomes a permanent, living canvas. I myself have 4, and every one of them means something very special to me.

As I tell anyone considering a tattoo, be sure to put it somewhere where you can cover it up if need be, and show it off when you want to. People can be predjudice against those with tattoos, and they do still carry a certain amount of stigma. On the hands, face, and lower arms are not usually good ideas.

If it's your first, yes it does hurt, nothing near child birth or anything like that, the area will be sore while it heals, but nothing tylenol can't fix.

Tattoos as long as carefully thought out and planned are almost never a mistake.

Answer 11

I would hold off on either, because you are obviously having some doubts yourself, or you wouldn't be here asking.  

Also, being a young woman, you can't help what name your parents gave you, whether adopted or natural (imagine being a Schlotsky or Burgee).  One day, hopefully, you'll meet the right man in your life, and change your name to his.  It's a lot cheaper, and a more natural process.  Tattoos are permanent, and can't be taken away.  I'd recommend waiting 5 years, then doing it if you feel that strongly about it.

Answer 12

I changed my surname name BACK (to what it was at birth) when I was 25.

When I got married I ADDED my husband's last name.  So it's like this:

Karen Billingham-Thorne (made-up name)

I have children, so I'm Karen Thorne for school stuff, Karen Billingham for work, and Karen Billingham-Thorne for everything else.  Dual identities are easy for adoptees :-)

All my children have "Billingham" as their middle name, like this:

Joseph Billingham Thorne

Initially, I got a lot of flack, but ultimately it was worth it to me.  I was tired of living a life to please others, so I went for it.

It was the best gift I have ever given myself.

Good luck!

Answer 13

I will probably receive some flack for this, but my first thought is that if you want to do something to "honor" your bio family, I would go with the tattoo.  

As a woman, my thought is this:  I understand wanting to change your name - but my thought is that it may not necessarily be a permanent change.  If you marry in the future and want to take your husband's name, you will lose your surname anyway (unless you chose to hyphenate it).  So for me, if I wanted to do something to honor my birth family and the name I was given, I would choose the tattoo.  It would seem more personal and more permanent to me.  That is my first opinion on the subject.

As an adoptive mom, I would support whatever choice my child made, although if I'm being honest here, it probably would be difficult for me based on our situation (he was abused at birth).  However, I would respect the choice that he made as I love him and want him to be happy.  

Good luck to you, whatever you choose to do.  I'm sure this is not an easy decision for you.