Natural / First Mothers, What resource would have helped you the most to avoid an unnecessary adoption?

Question

Thank you Moms! I can't possibly choose which answer is best so, I'll let the voters decide.

Answer 1

contact the nearest pregnancy crisis center you can find. They helped me during my last pregnancy and without their help probably would have had an abortion. The only number I have is in Wichita Kansas and the number is 316-945-9400. Ask for Karen Fifer, she can direct you to the nearest center to you. Because of them I had the most beautiful child, a little bot named Matthew. Tell her you got the info from me she is one of my best friends and will do everything humanly possible to help you. Good luck, And know that God is with you....

Answer 2

I have not adopted or given a child up for adoption, but I would suggest the following:

1. Support of the father/family/friends

2. Counseling to understand that this is a lifetime decision to what is probably a temporary issue

3. I would AVOID speaking to any adoption agency until I was absolutely sure this was my choice.

4. I would not allow any contact between myself and the adoptive parents to avoid feeling guilty if you decide to keep your own child.

5. I would not allow the adoptive parents to attend the birth or even to call the agency until after the birth and I had a chance to see the little miracle I had just created.

6. I would explore my options on-line and through community resources about what help is available to me to get through a healthy pregnancy and the first year (which after four children, I can say is the hardest in terms of lack of sleep and learning how to care for another human).  Kids are so cool, I learn so much from them.  This is my tribe, my peeps, my posse.  I love these children so very much.  

7.  Finding an accepting spiritual home.  The love and attention of other women can not be overrated.

8.  Finding your own center.  Not letting other people's expectations, needs, wants, and desires shift your core.  I personally think a mother's love is the best and I am grateful I could give it to my children.

9. Knowing that yes, you may be fill in the blank (poor, old, young, single) but other women just like you have did it and did it well.  Children need love, affection, time and attention, not designer diapers to make a great love.

10.  Contact the Healthy Start in your area.  They can really help you find resources.

Answer 3

i think that having been with my own natural mother and not with my adoptive mother who,dare i say this,brainwashed me into the idea that my daughter would be better off with adoptive parents than with a young single mother would have been all the resource i would have needed if my mother hadn't given me up i would not have been in the situation where the woman who raised me could be so manipulative and put how she would put what people would think ahead of what would be best for the rest of the people involved.The best resource in the world is a family who support another family member who needs this.

Answer 4

When I found out that I was pregnant with My Second child I was single raising a then 5 year old on My own.  I did have the extended support of immediate family when I needed it but I felt that I was not suited to raise 2 children on My own.

The fathers of both of my children didn't do the right thing and ran off when they found out I was pregnant.  The first one when I was pregnant at 20 and the second one just shy of my 25th birthday.

Age really wasn't an issue for Me, though at 20 I still wasn't financially able to care for children.

I had wanted My tubes tied after the first, but in NY state when I requested that be done, they said I was to young and may change my mind.  

Of corse a second pregnancy followed.

I don't regret giving him up, and I don't regret the decisions that I made.  My one son has grown into a fine young man, now 25 and I am now married to a great guy and doing well.

I think often about my second son, but know in my heart that he is happy and that I made the right choice.  

I wouldn't change a thing.

Answer 5

I've read every ones answers on here and I would like to say that you all have it kinda wrong in away Adoption is not a bad thing for a child, Sometimes if the parents don't have the means to take care of a child its the best thing for the child, You all are looking at the best interest  for yourselves not for the children.

I am a foster parent and I am glad to be there to help children in need of a home, When their parents can't take care of them. Yes I believe that children belong with their Bio Parents but I also believe that You need to have stability, Responsibility, A Job, Family that is willing to help you when you need support.

I don't believe one bit that everyone out there thinks that you have to be rich to adopt a child, You don't have to be rich all's that matter is that the children have safe environment, a loving family, a family that can give them Medical coverage, food, clothes, toys, Etc... That doesn't mean that you have to be rich.

I hate how everyone talks so bad about adoption and Infertile couples, I have fertility issues myself and I will tell you what I have looked into adoption as well and I think I might adopt a few kids because I look at it this way the Bio Parents have heart of gold when they give up their child to a family who can't have a child them self's, They are one of the most Bravest People in the world.

Answer 6

Childcare and transportation it is impossible to make ends meet without them.

Answer 7

I am raising my own children, but the things that allow me to do that are:

my own healthy lifestyle and emotion/intellectual stability

partner's healthy lifestyle and emotional/intellectual stability

financial stability

good health and adequate health care

emotional support from family and friends

community acceptance

parenting classes and good literature about parenting

political stability in the country where we live

Answer 8

i think that support from any source would have of helped my mother, i am only adopted by my father i have always had my natural mother but she went to prison for about 7 years and then we lived with my dad who is my brother and sisters natural father and when i was older i learned of my adoption and that made a lot of my child hood make sence. such as all of the c**p that i had to deal with that my brother and sister did not. i also think that if my natural father would have of stepped up to the plate and been a man that i would not have of been in that situation

Answer 9

well, I narrowly missed my daughter being adopted after DFCS filed to terminate my parental rights. She was in foster care for 18 months due to my drug problem. The problem was mine. Not their fault, I recognize that. I checked myself into long-term treatment (minimum of 12 months) the day before the termination was filed. All through my case, I was still using, of course blaming everyone else but myself. The only thing I could say that would have helped me: all of the times I talked to them & I thought they WERE trying to talk with me to help me, everything I had said would be thrown back at me in court. So, my trust in them was totally screwed. I felt like I had to lie b/c who knows what they were going to do next. So, if DFCS would actually try to help, rather than collecting evidence, they may maintain the trust with the birth parents, rather than turning on them, which is what I felt. Bottom line is: I wasn't doing what was right for my daughter and they knew it. I now have full custody again, have been clean for almost 3 years now, and we are doing great. I think that having such a close call is the only thing that changed me. Almost losing her was a real wake-up call to me. Sometimes you never know what you have until you almost lose it.

Answer 10

The TRUTH needs to be told! "It is best for the baby" is a LIE!

After getting pregnant in my late teens, I briefly considered adoption. THANK GOD I did not go that route.

The "Adoption Machine" is an insidious program to procure (preferably white) healthy infants for infertile couples. Adoptive parents with the most financial resources go to the front of the line.

Scared, pregnant girls (many of them are under 18) are brainwashed into thinking that just because they are emotionally immature and not educated or financially independent that they cannot raise their child.

The system is simple:

1. Find a vulnerable pregnant female, ideally with a weak support system. Council her that "THE RIGHT THING" is for her to give her baby the kind of life that she can't.

2. Start referring to her as the "Birth Mother". Immediately have her choose adoptive parents, even if extremely early in the pregnancy. This will make the "Birth Mother" feel indebted to the "Adoptive Parents". The "Birth Mother" will be reluctant to change her mind and "take" the baby back from a hopeful, couple that she can put a face to.

3. Promise the "Birth Mother" anything, knowing that open adoption conditions and visitations are not enforceable in most states.

4. The agency must stay heavily involved at least until the baby is turned over to the adoption parents and the adoption is finalized. That will further discourage the "Birth Mother" from deciding to KEEP HER OWN CHILD!

Is it a coincidence that the United States, with a high rate of couples experiencing fertility issues, has the highest adoption rate in the world? It's all about supply and demand, NOT what is right for children.

Even a preschooler has enough sense to know that living in Disney Land forever is not a fair trade for losing your family!

Answer 11

Hi Julie J~

Thanks for another great question!  

Like T-Betta, I considered adoption & almost gave in to pressure from my adopted mom to relinquish my daughter after her dad & I divorced - she was a year old. I was 18. I feared my a.mom may be right - perhaps I couldn't be a good mom because I was so young. Maybe it would be better for my daughter to have new parents. Older parents. Parents with money.

What I had, that my own first mom did not have (ultimately why she lost me to foster care/adoption) was public assistance (or 'welfare').  A monthly check that paid rent & utilities (barely), and food stamps.

I didn't receive support from other programs like housing assistance or WIC/WIN. I didn't have any moral support from my (adopted) parents, either.  It was rough for my daughter & me for a couple of years, especially without any support from or contact with my family. But we managed. I went back to community college, got a degree and a good job.

Guess you could say that I also had a bit of a stubborn streak.  I didn't give up. Not that it was a big thing. I just felt that I was doing what I had to do. I didn't want my child wondering why her mother gave her up, as I had.

Having her was the best thing that ever happened to me! Today she is an amazing young woman. Incredible, loving, a mom, wife, successful business woman (with her own business). She's given me 2 beautiful grandchildren! I'm so proud of her!

After reading the book, "The Girls Who Went Away", by Ann Fessler and knowing a few women who relinquished, I am beyond grateful that I chose to mother my child. I don't think I could have survived the pain of relinquishing.

I am also grateful to her father, who didn't cut & run like some fathers do.  At the age of 19, he stood by me.  He married me.  And even though our marriage didn't last; even though I went on alone - continued to mother our child without his support after the divorce - his choice to be there in the beginning gave me & our daughter at least a start.  I did not realize it at the time.  I have since sent him a heartfelt, grateful "Thank you".  I didn't hear from him (so like him...not much for emotional displays), but somehow I know it made his heart smile. (We're still in each other's lives through our daughter).

I had all the women who came before me who pushed for equal rights, equal pay, equal opportunities. b/c of them, I was eventually able to support us w/o public assistance.  And fortunately, most of society has changed in that it doesn't view being an unwed mother as "unthinkable".  

We must continue to stand up for and support women's rights to mother their own children!  

Thanks again...

ETA:  To those who believe that adoption would have provided a "better home", not necessarily. Adoption does NOT guarantee a happy home or loving, responsible parents. My adopted parents were in their 30's when I came along. Alcoholics, they were verbally & physically abusive, esp. my a.mom (very emotionally abusive, also).  She had a lazy suzanne filled with Rx meds (AND still drank to excess).  They fought, screamed, yelled; woke us kids up in the middle of the night to "leave" with my mom, then we were all sent back to bed when she decided to stay.  I swore I'd NEVER marry b/c of THEIR dysfunctional marriage.  Nor did they have $$.

If your parents didn't ever grow up, being teenagers when they had you wasn't their primary problem.  I grew up!  And grew up fast with another little person to be responsible for.  

But...it's a nice fantasy!  A pool, a pony, a tiara. Parents to hug me when I get home (instead of the one yelling, telling me how worthless I was, that I had no friends & even my own grandmother & sister couldn't stand me - both whom I adored. I eventually found out it was a lie!)

Answer 12

I haven't given a baby up for adoption but I am currently pregnant and I have had to contemplate both abortion and adoption although I don't think I could do either....(the father of the baby who dumped me for refusing an abortion keeps hounding both of those options down my throat)

anyways to answer the question

here's a great idea....

how about a Rent a father...................lol

I think that if these girls/women that get pregnant for whatever reason had a man to help them raise their baby they wouldnt feel like they had to give their baby up.

So basically if they had someone to help with the baby, I'm sure that would help a lot...

How about a part time nanny for low income families that is based on their income so that all people can afford them and not just rich people...

If rich people who dont even really NEED them can have them then why not single,poor women have them when they could REALLY use them???

Also child support needs to get a lot better at their job....there are so many men out there that arent paying and are getting away with it....

I also feel that the man should have to pay child support WHILE the mother is pregnant as well to help pay for baby items for the baby such as cribs,blankets,clothes,bottles,car seats,etc....(atleast for the last 3 months if not sooner) and then if the baby isn't the man accused then a paternity test can be done and the mother would have to pay him back (just adding that because i know thats what people are going to bring up....what if it's not his...)

I think that would help a lot as well....

Answer 13

Interesting question.  I am in the process of adopting so this has helped me understand more..............Happy Mom, I totally enjoyed your answer.  Some of your examples are exactly why I have the two little ones I have.

Answer 14

All I needed was some protection. I was on 2 mind altering IV drugs in my hospital bed when it is claimed that I signed papers. I have no memory of the hospital at all so who knows if I even signed. I also started revocation within 24 hours. If anyone held agencies accountable for their actions they might not get away with things like not honoring revocation periods

Answer 15

Having my own lawyer or an honest social worker who actually TOLD me what help was available.  Having a supportive family would have helped as well.

Answer 16

Since I was the baby born to teenage parents I answer from that point of view....

I would like to have seen my mother educated on Reality and understand that little girls are not their best friends.... I needed a mom--not a buddy....  

Someone needed to coach my parents on realistic expectations---It is not acceptable for 6 yrear olds to walk a mile to get mommy a Pepsi and Candy bar just because she is pregnant again...

I would have liked someone to educate my parents on How to Keep me safe--and treat me like a child a little longer...  A mother who could afford to teach me how to cook more then 50 different ways to make potatoes -- or how to fill out the "Free Lunch" application.....

I would have liked my parents to actually have been old enough and ready to have a baby because they were NOT and because of that fact I left home at 17 never looking back....  

I actually would have liked someone to tell my parents it would be OK to give me a better life---and that there wasn't anything wrong with letting someone adopt me....anything would have been better then two little kids playing house with me.....

Answer 17

Had my parents or another adult simply encouraged me to parent, been supportive of me and helped me see how I could meet financial responsibilities I would have kept my son with me. I really just needed emotional support and help figuring out how to access the assistance that was available to me an my son.

Answer 18

well,my grandparents took care of me and were to old to deal w/ new baby,therapy would help and if the father had wanted it his help might have stopped the adoption because I turned out to be a great mom after all and my b-son will be 18 in 08.

Answer 19

Child welfare not running me around when I asked for assistance from them. I was actively trying to get my life on track, asked for parenting support and guidance and help getting into an eating disorder treatment program. Was told they would help then they had my parental rights terminated.

So I guess honesty would have helped in my situation.

Answer 20

Our familys support would have helped. We were told we couldn't, shouldn't, it would be best if we didn't and we could go on with our lives.