Natural/ Organic Parents...How do you deal with people who simply refuse to respect your parenting chioces?

Question

My dd1 recently turned 2. My family/ inlaws have a history of buying stuff for her that I don't approve of & I end up getting rid of almost everything. So for her b*day I gave them all lists of stores that are acceptable, & I gave them the option of gift cards/ cash. My dad was the only one who actually listened to any of my requests. Hubby is very nonchalant about this..."So we'll just put it in the yard sale and get better stuff" He says. There are also other issues...they give food/drinks I don't approve of, they think I should scurry away and hide when I nurse, they think extended nursing is wrong. They are of course entitled to their opinions. But when they push their opinions on me and try to tell me how to parent....isn't that disrespectful?

Answer 1

Tell me, are you pushing your lifestyle on them, too?

Answer 2

It seems like you are also pushing your beliefs on them.

I think it is a real  @sshole move to tell some one that they can only buy a gift at a certain store.  I personally wouldn't buy you a gift if you were that much of a jerk about it.  

That being said I am also an organic/natural person myself.  I only use organic/natural products and shop at stores who are privately owned and who's values I agree with.

I also have my own organic garden, ect.

I do believe you have a valid point that no one should be feeding your child things that you don't want them to eat.  For instance, I would be pissed if someone gave my kid sugar, not allowed.

The problem is that not everyone is going to adhere to your lifestyle.  Maybe they want to buy pudding packs from Wal-mart and your kid wants one and without thinking about it gives them one.

I would imagine that they are not trying to blatantly disregard your requests, they just don't live the same lifestyle, and you have to respect that.

If you don't want to have your kids in that environment you have to determine how important it is to you.   Is it important enough to tell your parents that they can't see the baby unless they follow your rules?

When you have someone else watching your kid, you could provide them with the meals for the day.  Afterall, it's your kid, your responsible for feeding them especially if you have unique requests.

Like I said, I agree with all natural organic ingredients in everything used, but you can't expect everyone else to jump on board.

You should have a sit down with all of them and do a presentation on why your position is a good one.

Yeah but seriously, you are in the wrong for being a complete gift snob.  If you are that into organic stuff, why don't you just have someone put donations in your daughters name for a local non profit?

*******************************

If you don't like the answers, don't post the question.

Like I said, you can raise your kid anyway you want, but the kid might end up a spazz if you have all this anger toward the grandparents.

Also, if they can't adhere to your rules about your kids, tell them they can't see the kids until they do.  Although, I think that would damage your children more than batteries would.

And another thing, don't be pissed that people are responding to the information you provided.  In your original post you never mentioned anything about them asking what they should get her.  If this is how you are communicating your position to your in-laws, no wonder it's not coming across.

Answer 3

some people are just plain darn rude!  You should stick to your guns....there is nothing wrong with insisting on what you want!

Answer 4

Yes very disrespectful..I would be so irrated. The best you can do is bite your tongue and ignore them. If they keep nagging you then you might just have to come out and say listen its my kid not yours and I will raise her the best way I see fit and thats that...good luck

Answer 5

I think it is wrong that they are trying to tell you how

to raise your kid in terms of telling you what to do

and what not to do. If you dont like their opinions, then

tell them to keep their opinions to themselves

and if they dont want to respect your choices

about the way you raise your child; then tell them

to stay away if they can't respect that.

Answer 6

Over time they will learn that you will not allow your daughter to have the things you do not approve of. Keep returning the items they give and replace the gifts with something else. Prepare meals ahead of time and pack drinks for her when she visits these people. They will learn to accept your choices, because in the end she is your daughter, not theirs.

Answer 7

I really don't see the problem with non-organic/natural things.  I think it's silly to be that picky when they are gifts.  Organic/natural things tend to be more pricey and perhaps they cannot afford it.  I don't want to pay $20 for a shirt because it's organic cotton when I can get the same shirt if not better for $10 and it's not organic.  

They could have done gift cards, but I still wouldn't sell perfectly good toys or clothes simply because they aren't organic or natural.  

Food and drink I would say that again perhaps they cannot afford to buy all the organic foods out there.  It *is* more expensive.  If you want her to have those foods then you should provide them for her to take to their house or chip in for the grocery bill.  Paying $4.50 for a gallon of organic milk versus $3.39 (here at least) for regular milk is ridiculous.  Not everyone can afford it.

May be it is disrespectful, but I think expecting them to buy *all* organic foods, clothes and such is a little unrealistic.  The breast feeding thing is your choice and I do believe they are being a bit disrespectful in that matter.

Answer 8

MAybe...yes...but it is also disrespectful to nurse in front of an older generation who may not be comfortable around it. If they dont like it they dont like it...ask them to leave the room if it is in your home...otherwise then you have to leave the room...its only fair. You'll never manage to keep your children totally junk free unless you go an live on an island somewhere....everywhere you go there is junk...advertising will get to them in the end....I'm not saying you are doing wrong in showing them the right way...or tyhat they'll grow up devouring c**p....of course they wont...but when they begin to mix and socialise at school or in clubs then they will doubtless try all sorts of foods you wont like. So chill out a bit.

Answer 9

its not going to make her sick if its jsut a few time.s

Answer 10

Dontlisten to people saying you are pushing your opinions.  It's ALL about your opinion when it comes to raising YOUR child.  Just flat out tell them "We do not give my daughter this stuff and you know that." And if they continue giving your daughter stuff you dont approve of just say "oh well I guess this wont be gettnig used."  they need to get used to the fact that this is your child and they need to respect how you raise her.  SO what if you are being rude. They are being rude by buying her things you specifically tell them not to.

Answer 11

Food and drink i can understand.  You are there mother and it is your choice to say what your children eat or drink.  But to be honest if i was your friend and you invited me and my children to your house for a birthday party and sent a list of appropriate things to buy and included gift cards and cash accepted.  I would not rsvp at all.  I am sorry but that is very poor etiquette.  If someone buys your kids something you do not approve of then give it to charity.  The whole point of a birthday party is to celebrate the life of a child.  Not to be a push over and dictate everything another human does.  You can control your family to the days end.  But i hate to tell you this.  You can not always control them the older they get.  Thumb me down if you want.  But why spend your whole life controlling everything don't you ever get exhausted?  Lightening up a bit.  And as far as extended breast feeding.  This is a VERY touchy subject.  If its your house and you really want to sit uncovered at a birthday party and breast feed.  Then i guess you will see how many people would probably find the quickest excuse to leave.  Breastfeeding is natural and you have the right to do it.  But you still have to keep other peoples feelings in mind.  We all live in this world.  Not everyone is comfortable with seeing it.

Answer 12

Aren't you pushing your opinions on them too?

Answer 13

I think that is very disrespectful but unfortunately you cannot choose your in-laws. Your husband needs to be the one to stand up for you to his family. The longer he says nothing the longer this will continue for you. They think that because he doesn't say anything to them then he agrees with them. I don't know how he feels but i do know if you say anything to his family then that will bring more problems.

My mother was in this same situation with me and my sister and when she had had enough she just outright told them if they respect her and her lifestyle then they were not welcome.

That caused even more drama than if my dad would've said the same thing.

I wish you luck in your problem, but, it's never easy when the person you live with refuses to stand up for your wishes.

Answer 14

If by "extended nursing" you mean breast feeding an 8 year old like in this documentary: http://youtube.com/watch?v=yO9SnEt7-0Y   I would be telling you to do it in private, too.  No I take that back....I wouldn't have you at my home in the first place.  That is sick!  As for the gifts:  perhaps it would be better if your guests heeded your suggestions.  However, it is better to be gracious when accepting a gift, or don't accept any, i.e, don't have a party.  I do not feel it is proper etiquette to scold others for their gift selections.

Answer 15

VERY DISRESPECTFUL! I'm appalled they would go against you like this. I seriously sympathize with you. I would never allow this to happen, and if they can't respect your wishes, then your child cannot visit them. Let them know you mean business, but at the same time try and be nice if at all possible. But your husband has a good approach too (it's least stressful). Just sell it at a yard sale or ebay and get rid of it.

Answer 16

You told your inlaws where they should buy presents for your kids?

If you did that to me, your kids would get no presents at all. You are the one being disrespectful, not them. It's appallingly rude to tell someone else where to buy the gift they give your child.

Answer 17

"My only 2 *rules* were "nothing that needs batteries" and "no licensed characters""  Those aren't difficult guidelines by far, so I don't understand why they had such a hard time with it.  Silly family.  If they couldn't find a way to get something from any old store, Walmart included, that fit those guidelines, it is because they didn't care, which is your point, yes?

You can't change them, so you have to change what you do and keep up with it.  We don't get a lot of guff from anyone, but most of our family and friends don't care much either way.  My mom absolutely loves all of the cool new Gerber baby products that "weren't around when I was a kid", so she's always buying those for my 15 month old.  Even though I've told her that we don't let him eat those processed foods for several reasons, I can't stop her from buying them.  She doesn't understand why we don't like them, so I have to let it be.  In her mind it is the best she can do, so I have to accept that.  She thinks that having a stash of Gerber puffs or Little Sides is one way she can be a good Grandma for my son, so I let her.  We put so much more focus on him playing with all of the cool toys at her house (all battery free and licensed character free... except a giant Winnie the Pooh.... though we don't mind) and shift the focus away from the things that we don't agree with.  When she tries to give him some of the snacks I'll come up with different ideas, or just let it be from time to time.  It's her doing the best she can, so we have to compromise a bit.

But, back to you.  You have to choose the battles that you want to fight.  Chances are your family thinks that getting your daughter some electronic toys or some Dora the Explorer things is doing the best for her that they can.  They're giving her what wasn't there to give you (or her dad).  It may be best if you can find areas where you are willing to compromise with them.  

For toys, clothes, and things like that enforce your beliefs *to them*.  If they knowingly get her something that you don't approve of, ask them what they would like you to do with it.  You can say something like "You know that we don't want Sarah to have anything that has batters/licensed characters.  Would you like to return this and get her something else, or would you like me to donate it to a shelter?  It's up to you."  Then set it at that.  If they refuse to get something else, get rid of it and make sure they know that.  You're making sure they know that the things they get your daughter that you don't approve of are going somewhere else and your daughter isn't getting it.  They'll change their actions accordingly.

Answer 18

Yes, it very much is disrespectful. I have similar problems with my parents/grandparents. I dont want to squash the enthusiasm they have for being grandparents nor do i want to take the fun out of it for them and the kids, but i also dont want my convictions to be comprimised either. I guess what works for me is to realize that the contact they have with the kids is limited and it is unfair to expect them to jump on my side of the fence. So i just draw the line at any place i think that the influence that they would have on the kids is irreversible or damaging. If its not one of those two things i just let it slide and correct (if necessary) later.

Nobody can tell you how to parent but you. They can throw words at you, but only you can decide how much power, if any, those words have.

You hold all the power, you hold all the cards. If they push too hard and are being beligerent about what you should do or not do, just limit or terminate the time that you and the kids see them. Dont feel obligated to expose yourself or your values to abuse. Show them the door if need be, they will get the hint.

When straying off the beaten path of parenting wisdom dictates that one pick his/her battles carefully.

Answer 19

well i believe u are the parent and my mother follows  the rules for my daughter because she respects me and knows i and doing what i feel is right some times i let her have a lil snack or something but my husbands parents dont and she doesnt go over there i told him if they cant respect my wishes then she wont go over there unless we are there and they have started listening u just have to stand ur ground

Answer 20

It's unfair to be so neurotic about gifts.. after all, they ARE gifts.  You have to respect other people's choices and opinions if you want them to respect yours as well.  Relationships, whether they are with family members, your spouse, or your children, are about give and take.  

Most people would actually take it as an offense to ask for cash as opposed to an actual gift.  Family members, especially grandparents, want to see the child enjoy the gifts they have given, and that can't be done with cash.  

As far as food/drinks go, that really is YOUR choice that they should not intervene and change.  If you have a diet that is specific, other people around your children should abide by that no questions asked.  If your kids are going away to be watched at someone elses house, drop off a bag of snacks and drinks of your own and tell them that you "don't want to inconvience them by having to prepare meals" or that you packed "their favorites".  

When it comes to parenting, many grandparents and older family members see things through a much more simple view.  They want to be the one who "spoils" your children, but you have to set guidelines and be kind when you tell them.

As far as nursing, many people consider nursing in public disturbing, so that is something that you should try to walk away and go to a different room if you are unsure of how someone else is going to feel about it.  

If they have a harsh opinion about your parenting, don't get defensive, just smile and nod, no one can argue with that.