Natural mothers: Do you respect your children's APs?

Question

Why or why not?

Answer 1

I do, because they took very good care of her. I had a closed adoption and have yet to meet them but they still did a good job of raising her.

Answer 2

Nope, not at all. They kept a child knowing the mother very much wanted to parent and the child was taken by unethical means. I know some APs really have no clue if unethical practices took place but these people did. They knew they were destroying an entire family (including siblings) and just didn't care. People like that are not worthy of respect. I am civil but that is it

Answer 3

Not entirely and I am sure I never will.

Answer 4

No. They lied to me. They kept me around until everything was secured. They never offered an explanation. I begged, "Just tell me what I did, I won't ask any more questions, I won't do anything, just please tell me." The answer I received from them was, "You know what you did." They were cruel. I did everything I could to help them, even when I didn't want to. I didn't want to continue with the adoption, but I felt like I had to honor my word. I didn't feel like I was enough for my own daughter, "Lauren". I didn't know what it meant to go back on my word. Knowing what I know now, I SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID, SORRY ABOUT YOUR BAD LUCK, SHE'S MINE. I wish I had been like Tish, and told them I changed my mind. There's nothing wrong with realizing that I had no idea how I would feel after giving birth. There's nothing wrong with saying, "I've changed my mind. THIS IS MY BABY AND I AM THE BEST MOTHER SHE COULD HAVE." There is nothing wrong with keeping your own flesh and blood.

No, I have utter disdain for them.

Answer 5

I don't know if respect is the word.  I'm glad they are raising my child, I guess but I don't feel much for them one way or the other.  If they weren't the one's it would be another family.  I did not "choose" them.  Never met them.

Answer 6

A very good question and one that I struggle with a lot. I went into “reunion” with many of the same naïve ideas that led me to go through with adoption.

I am way too trusting! And so, again, when I first met my son’s amom I was very open and trusting. I didn’t have a script, but found that she did. She said things that were very painful for me to hear. Such as, “I think ___  was better off being raised by us than by you.” Number 1) this suggests that no matter how much pain he may ever feel at being abandoned, it was better than being raised by me! That is SO dismissive of his feelings! Number 2) I was young and unmarried, (however, I was not  a drug addict and I always feel that I have to add that addendum “not a drug addict” the same way a lot of adoptees have to add “but I love my adoptive parents”) but apparently it is better for a child to be raised with strangers than to know *only* his mother (or father). She told me that she could never tell my son that I loved him because I didn’t send him a letter (who does this hurt or help?) I carried a letter in my purse for years – one that I wrote to him before he was born – but never felt that I had a right to send.

I also know that the amom volunteers for the same adoption organization to which I lost my child; that she was – at the time of my surrender – and continues to be good friends with the woman who “facilitated” the adoption of my son.

Basically, she loves adoption because she’s benefited from having the love that my son offered her.

She’s said a lot of other hurtful things to me, and obviously has no compassion for the woman whose son she has raised. Unfortunately, it brings out the worst in me. I really am amazed by the few aps here who show any ounce of compassion for their son’s or daughter’s first family. They are far and few between. Most just come across as entitled, as does my son’s amom.

I think if she were secure in her relationship with my son then she would show compassion, but basically, she is just a *****. I’m sorry that my son was raised by someone as insecure and heartless as she.

I think it comes down to the fact that my son and I were given no consideration, much less respect as a family, and that attitude which surrounded the surrender and adoption carries through for a lifetime. Unfortunately, our children are the ones who pay for it by getting caught in the middle of others’ insecurities: insecurities from either side, which were never addressed.

I guess at this time I can honestly say that I have no respect for my son’s parents – and that makes me feel very bad.

Adoption sucks.

Answer 7

I do, very much.  I respect that they are best friends.  That is something that really meant a lot to me when I picked them, and something I'm still striving to achieve with my husband.  I respect that they both have lots of love to offer all kids, not just their "own".  They are both teachers- she teaches high school home economics among other things, and part of teaching that class is keeping up with a daycare.  I respect that they really had it "together" a lot more than I even realized when I relinquished to them.  More and more as I get older, I am grateful they are the ones I chose.  They have a beautiful home, they both work but at jobs that leave plenty of family time, they are active in their church and are close with their extended family.  They keep their kids busy with fun and educational activities.  Honestly, they provide all that I could not, and more.

Answer 8

I respect them to a fault.

I don't even know them but they are a touch canonized in my mind. They provide emergency foster care and are very kind and caring people. I have met loads of foster parents and if more were like my son's parents the system might just work like it was designed to.

Answer 9

hmm to a point I spose.

I've tried contact but they refused. I'm trying to stay away & leave them be for my daughters sake. The last thing I want is for them to get screwed up over this. It's not their fault & I don't want to see them suffer in any way

Yet at the same time, I have a fear that they are abusive like mine were. They've never done anything to make me think they would be, but it's a fear of mine because of what my aparents did to me