Natural parents & adoptees: Were you 'in love' with your parents/children before you reunited with them?

Question

What expectations did you have? Adoptees did you think your parents would be 'in love' with you, and love you 'unconditionally'? And natural parents, did you expect that from your children, or expect to feel that way yourselves?

Personally, I had NO expectations. I was just relieved when I found out that she didn't live in a trailer, going on the information I had from the agency.

After time, years, I grew to love my mother. But it was always completely familiar, of course, because we were as closely related as two people can be. We have the same favorite color, and tastes in art, music, decor, movies, hobbies, the list goes on.

Do tell...

Answer 1

I had no clue what to expect.  I certainly had no idea if I was going to love them, or even like them.  It had been 35 years and a lot of water under the bridge.  Who knew?

It was clear that my ndad, upon the moment of reunion, was still very much in love with that 13 month year old little girl he last remembered.  He and his wife of 25 years had searched for me, which I never expected.  

Over the past 6 years we have continued to cultivate a relationship that is very close.  We are a lot alike, which I didn't expect.  We do love each other very much.  We also like each other very much.  I expected nothing, I'd hoped for something good, but I got even better.  I feel very fortunate.

ETA:

After reading Phil's post, I just want to add that I, too, see my ndad as my dad.  I'm fine with having two moms and two dads.

Answer 2

i loved lori. always did. i could 'feel' her growing up. i knew she may have left me physically, but never mentally. that sounds so cheesey, i know, but it is honest.

and like you, we share many of the same tastes in things. like owning the same shower curtain. funny.

now my bfather, i wasnt so sure about him. him being a father and not carrying me for nine months i thought he may have forgotten about me. >i know, i am an idiot for thinking that, but again, its my honest feeling<

i was so wrong. he never forgot about me, he loved me. and i fell for him the moment i looked into those eyes (my eyes) and it was all over. i felt something so sudden and powerful i cant even explain it to you. i had always felt lori, but him, he was a long way off for me. but to have him there, looking at me, hugging me-god-i cant give you the words to make you understand. i was awe-struck.

lori was comfortable, warm and natural. he was new, scary and emotional. i was scared and content at the same time.

i have the 4 best parents in the world.

Answer 3

I was kinda shocked by some answers. As a first mom I love my child just as much and exactly the same as her siblings that live with me. They are all my babies and I will love the until the day I die. It is not my daughters fault that she does not live with me. Why should the love I give her be any different? I would give my life for her just as quickly as I would her siblings. So yes I am very in love with my lost child.

I don't really have any expectations for reunion. I figure it will be up to her. She will always have a place in my family if she wants it. And her place in the family is equal to any other family member

Answer 4

The only thing I expected was that we would *fit*. I had so many people tell me that, when we reunited, I would fit my bfamily perfectly, that we would have so much in common, and it is not the case. I love her, but we don't really have much in common. She gets along well with my mom, so that helps, but we didn't mirror each other.

Other than that, I didn't expect much of anything, so I was thrilled that my bmom accepted me as I was, that she didn't push too hard or try to parent me, I was also thrilled that my mom brought her into our family, making holidays easier and less pressure to make sure everyone else was *OK* with the situation.

I don't know - I guess I had it very easy.

Answer 5

Yes I loved my n-parents, I loved them for who they were to me.  I can't say I was "in love" with them or that I loved them in the sense that you love someone you actually know; I know that's a hard one to explain.  But, they created me, they gave me life, and they are both parts of who I am.  So for that, I have always loved them.

I always knew where they were from; I had no expectations, and didn't really care either way how they turned out.  I don't value people for their net worth; I value them for WHO they are.  

When I found out that my nparents actually got married, it was icing on the cake; having a full brother was the cherry on top.  Maybe my loving feeling for them stems from the fact that I was conceived in love (god I sound like some kind of hippie lol) but you know, it could have something to do with it.  They loved each other, so maybe somehow on a cellular level I always knew that.  I don't know.  I'm just rambling now.

I don't know my mother all that well yet, it has taken her many years to face her grief and pain, and I only met my father once before he passed away.  But I love them.  I love my mother enough to wait over 10 years for her.  Most people would have walked away after being ignored for that long.

Answer 6

do tell. ugh.  i love my birth mom because she gave me to my real mom.  seriusly.

Answer 7

As a birthmom, I do love my biodaughter.  You could even say that I'm "in love" with her, yes.  But it's not the same way that I'm in love with her half-siblings, and not at all the same way I'm in love with my husband.  I'm in love with her because she's a part of me, and I'm a part of her, and that's it.  That tie, although simple, is profound.  It's not about her personality, or her 'heart', as you might think of when you think of being in love with someone.

I have no expectations as to whether or not we'll have a relationship as she gets older.  If she wants one, we'll have one.  But I don't expect her to want one, and certainly not one where I am her 'mother'.  She has a mom.   But I will always love her, and be in love with her.

Answer 8

No, I really had no expectations.  I had given up hope a long time ago.  (That sounds awful, doesn't it?  I don't mean it to, but I don't know how else to say it.)  I wanted to know who she was and where I came from.

After we met the first time, after she had left from the brief visit, I had breakfast with my wife.  As we sat, I cried a little.  And I realized I loved her.  And I asked my wife if she thought it was weird that I could love someone I had just met, that I barely knew.  She didn't think so.

But I hadn't felt that way before we met.  When I started my search, I tried to prepare myself for the worst.  I expected to find out I had waited too long and she had died.  When I found out she hadn't, and when I found out she wanted contact, I was so relieved.  But even then I was very hesitant.  It wasn't until we met that I found out I loved her.  It was a very odd, revelatory moment.  

And perhaps one of the best moments of my life.

She is my mom.  Of that I have no doubt.  And we have formed a very close relationship in a very short time.  I have two moms.  I cannot do anything about that.  That's my life.  That's my story.  She is my mom.  That doesn't take anything away from my adoptive mom, but I cannot deny the relationship I have with my first mom, either.

ETA:  Actually, happymomma, unless the kids are identical twins, they share significantly less than 100% of their DNA.  Indeed, they might share none.  (If they got the other half of the mother's genes and the other half of the father's, they could, in theory, have no genes in common.  Weird, huh?)  50% is the best that most of us non-twins can reasonably hope for (but it's possible to have more).

ETA2:  It probably is a claim that they are certainly siblings, or perhaps full siblings.  It sounds like a strange use of 100%, but I'm not familiar with those kinds of reports.  It is theoretically possible to have 100% non-twin sibling matches, but then they would be as-if-identical.  I've never heard of such a case.  That's what leads me to suspect, in this case, it's either a reference to "full sibling" or the certainty of the judgment that they are siblings.  Just a guess, though.

Answer 9

No, I was not in love with my parents.  I had very little expectations of a relationship.  I was more just fascinated to see them and get to know them.  My father I only met once so there's no love there really, but my mother who I've slowly gotten to know over time, I can say that I love her.  It didn't happen overnight, but like any relationship it grew into what it is now.

ETA: I just have to say that I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT SOMEONE GAVE STINKY PETE A THUMBS DOWN!  The person who did that must have a heart of stone.  Shame on you.

Answer 10

I had no expectations that she would love me, but I hoped she might like and not hate me. Of course she is my child and I love her. She says she loves us and we are grateful that she accepts us in her life.

Answer 11

Growing up, I went through all kinds of emotions and feelings about my bio-parents.  I didn't feel love in my heart right away.  Always curious, yes.  The story that the agency gave on the non-ID information was horrible and so unaccurate (thanks to a family member protecting their reputation).  So for a long time I had a distorted view of my bio-mother.  They made her out to be some kind of "fast- tailed" little girl.  For that reason, I wasn't sure that I wanted to ever meet.  My a-parents NEVER said anything negative about her, they told me to give her a chance b/c she could be different now.  (Keep in mind that at the time of these thoughts, I was only a child).  

Then I went through a phase where I was so desperate to know her and to understand why she had to put me up for adoption.  I even thought about getting pregnant at 15, to see what it was like and then maybe I would understand the reasoning of my bio-mother.  (Thankfully I did not take that route).  

I didn't truly feel REAL LOVE for her until I had my own children and then I did understand.  I understood that it had to be hard for her to do that and it was no doubt, a very loving thing to do on my behalf.  Once I met her, she told me what REALLY happened.............  none of her past was her fault.  I wasn't a choice.  Someone took her innocence from her......  I felt so bad for all my pre-judgements and misguided anger!  She is a very courageous woman who has been through a lot.  I love her so much now that I really know her.

I always thought that I only looked like my a-family.  I have never looked so much like someone before in all my life, until I met my bio-mother.  Its a complicated relationship, yes, but I am so THANKFUL to have the chance to even know her.  We have so much in common.  Attitude, style, how we talk, our voice, even what we do for a living and oh my goodness!!!  Our middle name is the same and she had nothing to do with naming me!!!  My a-parents never even knew her name until I did my search.

I did, however have "expectaions" and my little fantasy in my head (where it stays, lol).  My Mother (a-mother) was a great mother with all the maternal instincts in the world and now I have 4 children and I try to mimic that b/c its all that I know.  So when I met my bio-mother, I guess I expected the same from her.......  That is not the case.  I just didn't know.  But due to the circumstances, I understand and fully accept her for what and who she is.  We just take it one day at a time.  Its been almost 6 yrs. and we are still learning.  Regardless, its been a blessing.  I am thankful to have so much family.  Its been in its essence a truly beautiful journey.

Answer 12

I did my best to have no expectations so I wouldn't be let down.  And I didn't expect someone I'd pretty much never met to be "in love" with me--the thought is a bit frightening really.  

But I had expected to find someone who was in some way "like me."  While my first mother matches up with what I'd been told in my non-ID info, and I looked a lot like her as a child,our personalities and interests couldn't be more different.  I'm a bit jealous of all the adoptees who found someone like them.

But I'm still glad I searched because it's better to know more than I did before.

Answer 13

I was in love with the idea of my mother but not my mother herself, I grew to love her by living with her and knowing her as a person.

I am very much in love with my son, as much so as I am in love with his sisters. I raised him for two years, the bond that we had can not be erased. For him it may be very different and I am accepting of the fact that he will not love me the way I love him.

Answer 14

Hi. I wasnt in love with my bio parents, but I did expect alot. I think I expected too much. I expected my bio mum to be alover me like a rash and making up for lost time. I think I got caught up in my own little fantasy. We are friends, and we dont share a relationship. Its a shame I got my hopes up though. Never mind. I have a little girl to think about now and a history explained to me.

Answer 15

My ex was angry with his birth parents and really didn't want to actually reunite--It was our son who pushed him to do so.

Over the past few years the love has been built on and is growing as most relationships do.

One thing in your question that you say however isn't correct....

"....because we were as closely related as two people can be. "

This isn't true... In Genetics. Our children only have 1/2 of our DNA. Full siblings are the most Closest Relationship genetically a full sibling shares100% of the same DNA...  

My adopted children are 100% related to each other and only 50% related to their mother...