Nedd some advice-how to answer back to passive aggressive husbands behavior!?

Question

We are not kids-second marriage-he is 55. He is a good provider, but emotionally can't verbalize feelings except an occasional I love you. I am very open in that way and express feelings well. Ye, he will say backhanded things that make me seem like a nut. For instance, if I put on a nice dress to go out with him, he will say "Are you wearing that?" in a way that makes me feel like there is something wrong with it. If I ask about it, he says he never said anything bad about it, just asking. Stuff like that. Sarcastic "jokes" about weight and things, but he is "only kidding". I just need some ways to answer back to this stuff to let him know I know what he's doing and don't like it. Maybe something sarcastic back? If I get a haircut (that looks nice!) he will just stare at my head from every angle and say nothing-almost to make me feel like there is something wrong with it. How can I "give it back" ?

Answer 1

You need to get that I dont hear you thing going on and believe me not wanting his attention its called playing a game he wants s*x well hes going to have to earn any man can be a good provider but you have to teach him what you want and be in charge it will be a game otherwise you get your feelings hurt hes being a jerk and he doesnt care about your feelings I went through this one before and one last time I gave him a chance I was taking the kids and everything but he straightened up and its been a great marriage

Answer 2

First of all, he would say these things no matter who he was married to.  You could be a pageant winner, the all time champion of Jeopardy, etc - the point being no matter how beautiful or smart you are or capable, this man has intimacy issues and he does not know how to relate to you.

Coming up with snappy comebacks are not going to solve your problem as he is probably unaware that he is even doing what you say he is doing.  He simply does not know how to be genuinely nice, loving or even give a good compliment, most likely from these issues he developed long before you came along.

I was married to someone like that the first time.  It was exasperating and more than a little embarrassing when around other people.  I understood where he was coming from (it didn't make me like it any better), but others found it difficult to be around.  Passive-aggressive people just cannot allow themselves to be vulnerable or even relate to a partner on an emotionally intimate level.

It's his problem and he must seek counseling, but he probably doesn't think he has a problem.  He thinks if a problem exists, it's with everybody else but him.

Good luck.

Answer 3

You need to seek respect, not revenge.

Tell him you won't tolerate his attitude anymore and that he needs to stop hiding behind "jokes", tell him if he something to say then come straight out and say it, that will probably silence him.  

Answer 4

I would you say if you don't like the way i look then don't look!! I'm sure there is someone who will find me attractive and when that happens and you lose me don't come crying latter! then walk away don't make a comment after that wait for him to come to you!

Answer 5

Well, at least he isn't moaning about what you do with your hair & wardrobe!  Some men just have no idea how to give compliments or how to show their emotions or feelings about things. This may not be his fault, it may be how he was taught to think while he was growing up, or more likely how he has been treated in the past by other women? Try to gently guide him into freely saying nice things, if you do it to him as well he may get the hint.  Tell him, some comments hurt your feelings, if you are aggressive it will all just end in a row, so take the feminine way & change him for the better with wit and humour.

Answer 6

Giving it back will only perpetuate the behavior.  He needs to know that you recognize his "jokes" for what they are and you should demand that he speak honestly.  The next time he cracks a "joke", stop him and explain that you realize he has a problem with something.  Tell him that you want him to tell you openly what it is, right then and there.  If he offers no explanation other than that it's a joke, ask him why he thinks it is funny to say something that hurts you.  Hold him accountable to why he finds it necessary to hurt you for a laugh.  Once he realizes he'll have to explain his behavior to you each time he exhibits it, he will either become more direct with you or will stop the behavior.  If you want to change the situation, you can't feed into it or it will only continue.

Answer 7

It sounds like your husband is a bit insecure and scared about his life situation. If it keeps up i would demand you both go see a concealer speak to the concealer first over the phone to be sure they aren't biased.

Answer 8

I too looked back on your old questions.

What if you just go ahead and start your new life now?

I mean let the old B'stard keep going, he'll prob kill his self anyway, get some more life insurance and just live your life!

What do I mean......

with the exception of the small time you have to spend with this t**d you have allot of other time you can go out and be you! Get with your friends or colleges or what ever.

My point is you have enough experience with this guys patterns that you don't have to deal with him emotionally, you don't have to give him any of your feelings, he's a drunk! When he talks to you badly it doesn't matter to you anymore you know it's not the truth! Just keep putting those bills in front of him and go have a life.

I know things aren't always that easy, I'm just saying maybe there is another perspective to your situation.

Good Luck.

Answer 9

i bet you knew this before you got married.  it didn't just happen overnight.  

maybe you misunderstand him or maybe he's just not a nice guy.  counseling might be best for you both.

Answer 10

at your age and with your life experience, I would suggest not getting into the game playing, why would you want to 'give it back?'  Sounds rather immature to me.  he's 55, he didn't just start being passive aggressive........you met him and married him this way.  Next time he asks if you are wearing that, just say yes I think it looks awesome....you don't need to be validated by him; you are already a worthy deserving adult...if you know the dress looks good or you love your haircut....you don't need him to say anything

Answer 11

I was married to the King of passive-aggressive.  

"It was only a joke" -  What is your goal in wanting to "give it back?"

Do you think that you can make a point in a manner that will increase his awareness of his pattern?  If so, give it up.. esp. since he is 55.  I married mine at 50 and divorced him when he was 58)

I tried EVERYTHING.  Sitting down and calmly discussing it... giving him information on passive-aggressive behavior... making fun back,  ignoring, yelling, crying....you name it.  The one thing that did work sometimes was to sit down and beg him to tell me what he is REALLY angry about.  It was usually something small and easy to work out....

My problem was I got sick and tired of taking responsibility for his anger.... by begging him to share it.  AND the 2nd part of MY problem, was though I knew he was full of sh*t, it finally began to chip away at my self-esteem.  NOTHING is worth that.

ps... I glanced at your other questions... alcoholism, debt... it ALL sounds familiar to me.  My ex did get sober in AA and remains very passive aggressive.