Need Advice! Dating a guy who just revealed he has herpes! ?

Question

He's a sweet guy, it is still very early we've only been dating for about 3 months. We havent had s*x but there were times where we couldve but he didnt allow it to happen. Then we had the "talk" and revealed he had the H. I'm just getting to know him but now I'm not to sure what to do! He made all these assumption ahead of time without knowing what I would say or what i was thinking, I think he was trying to prepare for rejection. I handled it pretty maturely and made him feel at ease. Now i'm the one not at ease... I NEED ADVICE !

Answer 1

First of all value this guys honesty to you.  Some people don't even care to tell you and then you know when it's too late.  So obviously this man cares about your health and well being and just plain doesn't want to see you go through what he's been through.  It's very important that you research what exactly this is.  It's actually not as bad as you think it is, and it's somthing that you can control to keep you from getting infected.  Ask him important questions like, Are you taking medication for it?  Do you take your medication daily or only when you are having an outbreak?  How often do you have outbreaks?

It cannot be transmitted unless he is having an outbreak.  But it's only he who knows when he is having one or about to have one.  It's very important that you do not have s*x while he's having an outbreak.  Even oral s*x.  If it seems that he sees his dr regularly and hes taking charge of this, it looks like you have a very responsible man in your hands and your chances of getting herpes from him are actually slim compared to dude who never has gotten tested for anything and doesn't care to take care of himself.  (oh it must be a pimple, razor burn, its nothing to worry about).

Good luck, remeber even if you have s*x with a condom during an outbreak it is still possible to transmit it.  And also remember that the pictures you see on the internet are usually sevear cases.  It usually doesn't look that bad.

Answer 2

first of all, GIVE THE GUY A BREAK.  This is just ONE aspect of a relationship with him, and unless you're going to be having sexual activities for the majority of your time spent together, it isn't a very large part of it.

Even though now 1 in 4 (some studies are saying 1 in 3 now) people in this country have the herpes infection, this is still one of the most difficult things to talk about with a new partner.  It's very possible that he got the infection from a previous partner who didn't tell HIM beforehand and he wanted to be a more courteous person....

Herpes, while not curable, is fairly controllable.

I'd be far more concerned about this person's history of things like: animal abuse, job-hopping, and petty theft.  In other words, things that are a better predictor of someone's CHARACTER, rather than someone's "luck of the draw" when it comes to STDs.

Answer 3

unsureabouthim,

Rather than take up many lines of detail, I add two links with details of both genital herpes and herpes simplex. You shoud be aware that herpes may affect the eye(s) also, and treatment for that is likely to continue for over twelve months.

http://www.herpes.org.uk/

http://www.cdc.gov/std/

herpes/STDFact-herpes.htm

Hope this helps

matador 89

Answer 4

My advice is to learn as much as you can about genital herpes (from reliable sources, not necessarily Y!A) and then decide if the guy is worth the risk.   Here are a few facts to get you going.

Good news:  If your guy is careful and honest, and you never ever have s*x when he has an outbreak (or the tingling that usually precedes an outbreak) then your chance of catching this disease is surprisingly low.  Like 2% per year.   I'll put a link to the clinical study below.  It's still possible to catch herpes when he doesn't have symptoms, but by no means assured. (My husband hasn't caught my herpes after four years of marriage).

Good news: Herpes doesn't cause any other bad diseases, it won't affect your fertility, and most people experience symptoms so mild that they aren't aware that they have the disease.

Good news:  You know this guy is honest.  He did the right - but oh so very scary - thing.  He protected you, and gave you the choice.  

Bad news: condoms don't do much to protect against genital herpes.  They help, but not much.

Bad news:  If you get genital herpes, it's a rough emotional ride.   It's scary having to tell future lovers that you have herpes.   It's the worst part, actually.   The symptoms are usually a cake walk compared with having to have "the talk."

Good for you for taking the time to think it over instead of impulsively saying "It's no problem" or "Get lost."   Now you just need to learn exactly what your risks are, and decide if you are willing to take them.   And you may decide that you need more time - more time to keep on dating, but not to have s*x yet.  

I've put a link to that study, as well as to an EXCELLENT website about herpes.  Don't believe everything you read on Y!A - or even on other websites.   WebMD is also good.  So is the CDC.  

Good luck.

Answer 5

Be careful.  You can get H even w/o having s*x, just rubbing against him if he is shedding can do it.  You need to know you want to be with him forever because this problem is forever, and you may not want that if he leaves you or you leave him. Personally? I would stay away, I wish I had been given the option. Mine was nice in the beginning too, then he showed his REAL side, he never told me he had H, ever.  I found out by finding his prescription bottle.  Regarding your guy? He may be considerate now, but what about later when he decides to go elsewhere, or you find out other things that make you want to go elsewhere.  What do you do then?  You are not in a position to change the decision afterwards.  YOU need to think very long and very hard about this.  

Also recommend you speak to his last partner or his ex to see what she has to say, if you can find out who she is, you need to know what she did.  Obviously she is now in the "I have it forever and he is gone" position.  See how she feels about that. That can be a very informative conversation.  Good luck.

Answer 6

well they have new medicines out now to help pervent u getting it and u can always use condoms on top of that there is no way u can tell if u will get it or not but i would if u truely like him to continue to date see what happens and not have s*x unless u get married or decide to move on the next step so just relax and have a fun relationship and just wait on s*x and if u break up then u know u want have it and if u decide to get more involved then it shouldnt matter at that point it would be just like if u was married for a long time and something happen like a blood transfusion went bad or a dirty needle was used and he got hiv or something then at that point it wouldnt matter bc u love him so - so relax and see what happens

Answer 7

I believe They are most likely to infect anyone, when they are obviously active.  He should know when the herpes is active.

It is just the same as "Cold sores" on the lips.

Cold sores/herpes can be transferred from one part of the body to another,    (Lips to v****a/p***s),  or p***s to lips.

Answer 8

My ex-husband knew he had it and didn't tell me. I didn't find out until I got it and he blew it off saying it was no big deal. Guess what! It is a big deal. My first outbreak made me very sick for two weeks and I had constant pain for two years! My case seems worse than most. I did tons of research about it and learned all the facts about transmission, statistics, etc. The thing is, it wasn't the herpes that destroyed the marriage, it was the lies, so kudos to your boyfriend for telling the truth. (Although to be honest, I tell people before the first date. Even though it is embarrassing, I have nothing to be ashamed of because I got it from my first partner two weeks after I gave him my virginity!)

If I were in your shoes (and my ex wasn't honest enough to give me that choice) I would ONLY have s*x with him if we had a permanent, lifetime commitment. If there's a lifelong marriage involved, he may be worth the risk, but if it's short term or a fling, don't risk getting a lifelong disease that you may cruelly pass on to others.

Herpes (and HPV) are passed through skin on skin contact, so condoms can only protect the covered areas. If he has herpes on his testicles, you can still get it because you are not covered by a condom. Before actual intercourse, you can get it any time your genitals touch. You can also get it in your mouth. (Yes, genital herpes (HSV2) can be rarely transferred to the mouth... it happened to me.)

And YES, YES, YES  you CAN get it even when he's not having an outbreak!!! That happened to me on both occasions! The CDC has the best facts, so don't believe folktales from uninformed people!

Just make sure it's worth it before you take the risk. My ex husband turned out to be an abuser in addition to a liar, but at the time, I probably would have married him and had s*x anyway if he'd been honest because I thought it was forever. In fact, if he hadn't lied, things might not have been as bad.