Need a confidence boost in the bedroom?

Question

my previous sexual relationship (married for 9 yrs to a selfish pig who was only interested in pleasing himself) has left me very numb to wonders and joys of what of making love can bring, however my new boyfriend is extremely caring in that department and while i completely enjoy his touch and techniques, I seem to get this mental block when it comes to taking the lead. I have things all planned out in my head but when it actually come to doing it without his suggestion I just cant get my body to do what my mind tells me to. I am very comfortable with hm and have discovered in a few short weeks that 90% of things are not bad or dirty and he is there to please me perhaps more than himself, but i just cannot get things to fall into place. I am worried that this will become a huge problem even though he says it is okay. I want to be able to put these new feelings and thoughts into action but i became so used to being used as nothing more than a blow up doll i'm afraid to let go. I have experienced a few orgasms with him so i can let go in that way but just cannot take the lead.

Previously asked this maybe mistakenly in Mental Health and did not get any constructive answers

Answer 1

dress up make urself feel nice, go buy some lingerie and make sure ur the one to enforce s*x. like jump on him instead of the other way around

Answer 2

it will come in time you will become more confident gradually

good luck

x*x  

Answer 3

i think you got used to feeling like your expecting to be used and unsatisfied by your ex-husband for so long, that you still expect it. i would definitely say relax as much as possible and at least TRY to forget about the way your ex-husband treated you during s*x.

Answer 4

i was the same way at first with my boyfriend and then as the reationship became more serious i relaxed more, and i'm still not up to par with the confidence thing, but it's improving, by doing little things.  

Answer 5

The main thing is to relax and have fun with this!

The more you think about it the harder it gets!

You have the great benefit of having the right partner and feeling comfortable so it will all go well from there!

Answer 6

I have an older friend who went through alot of what your experiencing, and after her divorce she met a wounderful man who is the exact opposite of the pig she used to be married to.  She like yourself has trouble with the sexual part of their relationship even though her current partner is wounderful - she told me that she confided in her new partner when they became serious about the fact she had mental blocks when it came to s*x with him even though she knew in her heart and even in her head he was nothing like her ex-husband but it became such a habbit to withdrawl mentally and physcially that it was going to take alot of time before the habbit was un learnt!  I think time and understanding is the only thing you can do and maybe some concealing to un-do the damage your ex husband has done to you.

It's a slow process,  give yourself some time and don't expect to be 100% your old self again after being mis-treated for 9 yrs.  Im sure if you explained to your partner about your feelings and that its not him but something you cannot un-do overnight and that it may take awhile he will understand.

I wish you all the best.

Answer 7

Get paid to kick a guy in the nuts

Answer 8

I had a pig of a relationship too and it took me years tobe able to relax and be comfortable with my now husband.  How does your partner feel? Is he even aware of how you are feeling? Maybe a s*x therapist might help, i have never seen one but have heard good things and wish i had seen one years ago. good luck :)

Answer 9

First of all talk to your partner about what you would like to do and tell him that if a balance can be reached between you two then it can only strengthen your bond .

Try dressing up as different characters like the chauffeur and the mistress  the fireman and and the helpless victim ,the list is endless keep it fun and fresh and believe me it will be alright just don't give up it will take a bit of time and you have already got the basics to build on ,and each other to fall back on ..good luck

Answer 10

The first thing to do is stop beating yourself up, relax and enjoy what you have with time and trust you will be able to relax enough to let yourself go.

Answer 11

Ask the guy you are with, what he wants. If you guys are truly compatible, he'll teach you and it'll be a better experience. I'm not too experienced with anything, because I'm young but everyone my age does everything together, accept little old me who is afraid to give myself out there until I'm older haha. But, as for you, ask him what he wants ;) Learn about what he likes, then practise I guess? You guys both probably want great experiences together... but if you tell him what you like, teach him, you're learning all the time which is good in a relationship. I'm still worried about myself, but I'm planning to do this when I'm older. Just relax too and be yourself. Don't do anything you don't want to do. Or feel uncomfortable with. Loving is learning!