Need advice on family?

Question

I'm a birthmother and i placed my daugther aria into open adoption. I'm happy with my choice she has 2 wonderful parents and i get to see her on weekends. No one in my family knows i'm very close to my grandfather he was very old school and would never accept adoption. So me and my mom decided to keep it hidden from the rest of the family so he wouldnt find out. He sadly passed away 2 weeks ago its been tough but were handling it. I wanna slowly start to tell my family but i have no idea on how to go about it i'm not ashamed of her and i would love it if they got to know the wonderful little girl that she is. Just wish i knew what to do any good advice please i would love to hear it

Answer 1

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather's passing.  It sounds like he'll be greatly missed.

You may want to start by talking with family members with whom you are the closest.  It will be easier to open up about it if you already have a close relationship.  You may even want to have your mom with you when you speak with other relatives.  They are your family, and I'll bet they will be quite happy to know about Aria.  

Best to you and your family.

Answer 2

i agree with laurie, tell a few you are close to. they will help spread the word. have mom tell the ones she is closest to. before you know it most of the famly will know without you saying  a word.

now that being said, be prepared. they will talk, some will have some very unsavory things to say. many are closed minded about these things, especially since you waited to tell anyone. its not right or fair, but i am almost positive it will happen.

i would also move slow with introducing her to them. you dont want to overwhelm the poor girl with tons of people she doesnt know, wanting to look at her, compare her to you, all that. so nice and easy.

i am very sorry for your loss, but happy for your new path. this could be the beginning of a whole new level of contentment for you. lets hope so.

good luck, i hope they are understanding and supportive.

Answer 3

Do what you feel best in your heart/

Answer 4

So sorry to hear about your grandfather.  I presume your family will watch you and follow your reaction.  If you tell them as if this was the deep dark secret, they will consider it like that.  If you say that this was a private matter that you are now ready to share with them, you have a better chance of them accepting it as you do.  I'd tell the aparents about the possible upcoming change.  I'd tell your whole family all at once...so YOU get to do it...not the family gossips.  Then if all seems well, I'd slowly introduce individual family members to your daughter.  When my kids were very young, they always got spooked to be around too many new people all at once.

Answer 5

This is a tough one.  If you want your family to know, then you should tell them.  But if you start introducing her to your family it is very likely the adoptive parents will become nervous that you will change your mind and will want to cut off all contact with you.  You made the decision to have her raised by another set of parents.  You should allow them the right and privilege of doing that.  I'm not saying you should ever stop contact yourself if it is what you and the adoptive parents feel is best for everyone involved.  But to bring her into your entire birth family's life is going to put your decision to give her up in the spot light and you may find family demanding to allow them to raise her.  I guess what I'm trying to say is you need to tell your family if that is the right decision for you, but you need to respect the privacy and lives of the parents you have entrusted her to, also.  Don't give them a reason to regret allowing you to be a part of their family also.  I wish you and both of your families well.

Answer 6

I wouldn't say nothing about it to your family. Why in a couple of years these wonderful adopted parents are going to weed you out and there is no since in having any of your other family hurt about not known or seeing her.

     Hey what happened to the natural father did he know about the baby being put up for adoption. If not that's where you need to start explaining that your so happy in your choice.

Sorry about your grandfather but if you where so close to him why didn't you tell him? Ashamed or he wouldn't agree

Answer 7

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather.

You made a decision ( a hard one at that ) now is the time to stand by it. Your family should support you to the fullest, and if they don't only surround yourself  with people who will respect and support you in your decision making. An idea is to invite a small group of close family over for dinner or something and show them a picture of that beautiful little girl and start from the beginning to end be honest ( NOT ASHAMED). Let them know why you made that decision and how the family is nice and they will give her a good life and how you wanted them to know because your not ashamed but proud of the wise and very difficulty decision you made.

Answer 8

It's just a thought but we had a family gathering in a big park with lots of things to do. Playground for the little kids, there was a car show and craft fair going on for the older people. We gathered some food and refreshments and everyone had their space. They could walk away if they needed to, they could converse for a while and then move on. It actually went well. I would talk to the AP's to see if this would be acceptable to them and see if they would like to be a part of this. I know it sounds weird but giving people lots of opened space to digest things works. No one feels confined and uncomfortable, they can even slip off and leave if it bothers them too much. My point is that you can wander off and play with you child, let people see from a distance how you interact with your new family situation. They may see that it is working well for you and accept it. If they don't accept it they can walk away. It is your choice as to whether you tell them in advance why you are inviting them.

We had myself, my husband, my two boys, their dad, his girlfriend, my mom, Rachael, her husband, their kids, and some old friends we made while my boys were in day care. Not everyone knew everyone else and we just kept moving around talking to each other. We did this 2 or 3 years in a row and we had to travel to make it happen, I'm at one end of the state and Rachael is at the other, but it worked.