Need advice on how to handle situation with a close friend?

Question

I feel a little silly asking a question like this since i am almost 30, i haven't dealt with something silly like this since i was in highschool! I have been friends with this person for 10yrs, we were pregnant with all 3 of our other children together, and have always been close, I have had a couple of miscarriages in the past year and she was very supportive and there for me, but now that i am pregnant and doing well, she never calls me, and when i call i always have to leave a message on her machine and she never calls me back, i gave up i am not a stalker i call like once a week now. The thing is when i do talk to her all she talks about is what pains in the butts her kids are and how she went out and got drunk and how her husband stays home with the kids. We both used to be really into our families, I still am, my kids are my world, i love being home with them, my hubby and i are happy with date night once a month. She has made comments about how her hubby doesn't want more kids, and when i say i picked out something for the baby she just says oh i wish i had got this or that when my kids were babies or done such and such... my hubby says she sounds jealous of me, and i do know the "no more kids" thing for her came from her hubby and not her... but i don't get the drinking and ignoring me? should i just let it go and figure we grew apart, or ask her whats up? she has even had parties when her kids were at her in laws for the weekend and not invited me, i found out cuz of her myspace, they were of course similar to drunken frat parties i wouldn't want to go anyways, but still feelings were hurt... any advice?

Answer 1

Maybe the drinking is not all she is  hiding from you.  I have a gf that wont talk to me when she is into bad things because she is afraid of my disapproval.  Could be more than what she is telling you.  I wouldnt take it personally if I were you.  Just assume it is what is best for you and your family that she isnt in "Your" picture.

Answer 2

I don't have a perfect answer for you in this short amount of time, but I will tell you that it sounds like your friend is going through a period of depression or is possibly just apathetic and reckless right now for any number of reasons. She may be avoiding you because she is consumed with herself and her desires and is distracted or feels guilty because of the dedication you have to your children. She might possibly be envious of you, but I don't think that's something you really need to worry about.

I think you should address why you are trying to keep up the friendship and how this friendship could influence you before you talk to her. Obviously, you want to be there for your family and not go down the path she has. Is there any chance that mending the friendship with her unchanged would encourage you to be more like her? Because if that's the case, you should be the one doing the avoiding! If you do decide to stop calling her, you could let her know why you are doing so, if you want. That way, she'll know you still care, but you have to do leave her to herself for your sanity.

If going her direction in life is not a temptation for you, maybe you could be a help to her. Are you born again? If so, pray for your friend. That's what will really help her.

Realize that you can't solve her problems - but let her know that if she's going through a hard time and wants to talk, you are there.

Answer 3

Ok  I may be wrong but i don't think your friends relationship with her husband is working out. She doesnt call or answer your calls any more casue she thinks your life is boring and she goes out gets drunk parties and has better friends. So she is being a teenager again.... I wouldnt be surprised if there isnt a devorce in the future for  your friend

Answer 4

She's using the alcohol to deal with the jealousy. Also, if she's drinking to deal with jealousy she may be spacing because she was not fully able to deal with the hard times you were going through. Rather than being mature and saying "I know this is hard for you, but I'm not sure if I can be as supportive as you need," she attempted to be and may now feel you burdened her in some way. When you and sh talked was it only about negative things? I'd say leave hera note saying something about really missing her and whatever else you're feeling. If she responds positively yay! If not maybe it's time to let this friendship cool to an acquaintanceship. I'm sorry for this though. It's never easy to grow away from friends.

Answer 5

Boy this really is like a high school problem complete with the "she's just jealous." LOL

This person has problems that she knows you cannot comprehend. You're telling us here that you can't. You have a choice to make - do you try to sit down with her and say, "I'm not sure what's happened to us but I want to be there for you" or do you walk away. Examine why you were friends - was it only because you had kids the same age or was it because truly, deep down, you had a connection and something in common. You seem pretty contemptuous of her anyway so I would suggest walking away.

Good luck

Answer 6

I don't think I would categorize this a jealousy.  It has little to do with you.

Your friend is clearly unhappy and my guess is she is embarrassed of her behavior or thinks you would not approve.  You were not invited to her parties because she knows it is not your cup of tea - getting drunk and dissing the husband and kids.

It is hard to be around someone who complains about the people in their life.  As a listener, you get to the point where it all sounds the same and you know they are not trying to move forward in the situation.

Your friend is stuck - unhappy and unwilling or unable to do anything about it, so she is acting out.  

I think you should check in every few weeks to say hello so she knows you are still around.  I think the last thing she needs right now is to lose a friend who is on solid footing in her life.  Don't worry about not being invited or whatever.  When I was the complainer, the best thing anyone did for me was to remind me that I can't change the behavior of the people around me, but I could change my behavior, how I reacted to the situation, and I could focus on what I COULD do, not what I couldn't.  Continue to ask her (when she complains) what she wants to have happen.  Her thinking is stuck.  If you help her think forward and think toward solutions.

Answer 7

Maybe she's become disillusioned.  It happens.  The drunken frat party comment sounds judgemental.  

Answer 8

This sounds like a jealousy issue. She sees how great your life and marriage are and wants the same for herself. So to feel better she figures by throwing parties and getting drunk in front of everybody they will pay attention to her. If you want to truly know whats going on then you need to confront her and sit down and ask plain and simple. What is going on? If she doesn't tell you or doesn't want to get together. Then I would say stop talking to her and assume you have grown apart. Her loss in losing a good friend. Maybe when you stop calling all together she will realize what a true friend she has lost.

Answer 9

Sounds like she is going through a rough time in her life. She seems to be having problems with her husband and the family life is stressing her out. Ask her if she would like to go out shopping or to a movie with you. No bars or clubs. If she says no, give it a few weeks before you call again. Then ask her out again. If she does not want to go. Talk to a friend about it that you have in common. Both ask her out. If that does not work, she is a lost cause. It is up to her to call you then. She probably will, given enough time apart. Give it a try. It worked for me.

Answer 10

Sounds like she has some issues in her own life that she hasn't come to terms with. She may want more kids but since her hubby doesn't, she is jealous of you. Perhaps she is jealous of the relationship you have with your husband and children because hers isn't so great.

Call her and tell her that you value her as a friend but realize that there is something wrong and would like to talk about it. Let her know that it hurts you to be ignored and that you want to understand what is going on with her. I wouldn't be a doormat either. If she doesn't want to call you back, let her know that you aren't going to hound after her and to call you when she is ready and willing to talk.