Need advice on parents and what to do

Question

i have had a bad relationship with my parents for many years , when i became ill and could not cope i asked them for help and they told me they could not help me and walked off , they have always run me down and have always made me feel worthless, and have always told me how much they hated me , i have two children which they have tried to take off me and i have had to fight all the way to keep them , but my children adore them and just give me more grief , its a family reunion coming up and i just wont go , i refuse to be in the same place as them as i am currently in treatment and i am finally getting my life back and i feel fantastic , i have not felt this good about myself for over 10 years , my confidence is back and its wonderfull , my parents know how i feel about them as i have told them and they just say i am a trouble maker , what i feel does not come into it , my children now are yet again having a go at me as they feel i am letting them down , i know if i go to this reunion i will either end up feeling low again and lock myself away , or if one comment or abuse comes my way i would flip , i want to move on from them and stay clear from them as i know its what is good for me and my recovery , i have explined to the children how i feel and they are both teenagers so they do understand but never seem to give me a break , i have not once stopped them from seeing there gran dparents and not once i have slagged them off to the kids like they do me , they tend to buy a lot of gifts for the kids and get a great deal of pleasure in making me feel useless and that if it was not for them my kids would have nothing i ask them not to buy them gifts as i am trying to teach them the valure of money but they just buy more , i dont want to let my kids down but i just cant go and see them and be all nice as i am still hurting very bad , i am also scared of becoming ill again , what do you think i should do

Answer 1

you stand by your desision.your parents have no right to run you down.if you made misstakes in the past then im sure that just shows that your human.tell your children that you are not going,end of.you sound like a great parent,as i would have probably said a few truths about the kind of way i had been treated

and hey dont listen,your not worthless..just remember that

Answer 2

Are we talking about some kind of addiction here or what?  That is what it sounds like.  Well, I will give it a go,

if you are talking about recovery from addiction, then you should explain to your children your reasons for feeling the way that you do... you DO NOT owe your parents an explanation, but if you would like to give them one anyway...

tell them that you don't especially need them regurgitating your past to you every time they want to take a cheap shot, that they are welcome to see the children but that you need to distance yourself from them.

You needn't worry so much about your parents being around your children, or rubbing off on them or what have you.  Children tend to figure things out on their own.  Maybe your parents won't treat the children as they treat you.  And that would be a good thing it sounds like,

but I wouldn't say anything particularly bad about the grandparents in front of the children, and instead just stand back and watch.

Answer 3

It sounds like your parents need counseling worse than you do.  You are a WONDERFUL person and you are fantastic for getting help!  That is a step in the right direction and I am so happy that you are feeling wonderful about yourself.  I know how hard it is to be with someone when there are hard feelings or abuse.  The main thing you have to remember is that GOD MADE YOU SPECAIL, JUST THE WAY HE WANTS YOU.  HE LOVES YOU AND SO DO I AND WITH HIS HELP, YOU CAN GET THROUGH THE REUNION.  I would go to the reunion.  I would remember how good I feel about myself.  I would let my parents know, if they say anything, that at least I have enough sense to know something is wrong and I am getting help for it and it makes me feel good and I WILL NOT let you ruin it for me.  We can only control what we do and how we take things.  We can not control what others say or do.  And just remember that they are the ones who have a problem and that they are only doing or saying things to get to you because they know they can and that is their way of controlling you and if you let them know that they no longer have that control over you, I really believe that things will get better.  I know it will make you feel better than you already do.  I wish we had the opportunity to speak in person.  Just believe in God and know that He is beside you every step of the way and that if God is for you, who can be against you.  He will guide and protect you.  You are in my prayers and I wish all of God's Blessings for you!!

Answer 4

hey there, i hope you are feeling better by vomiting out everything in this platform.

i share the same sentiment, i have a sour relationship with my father when I'm 17, he beaten us for no reasons and i hated him so much at that time. after so many years, looking back in the past...i really think we need to let go the grudge has had happened in the past and give each other a chance to make up whatever that had lost.

I'm still actively participate in family gathering and meeting my father quite often, someone shall take the first step to fix the thing and get it back to right track. since your kids are having a good relationship with their grandparents, why not make use of the opportunity to salvage the situation?

give it a try and leave no regret of your life...that's my advice.

cheerz...

Answer 5

Hey there,

I'm sorry to hear about you having  a hard time.

Don't feel as if you are letting your two teenagers down. I promise you, whatever you do, when you have teenagers, nothing is ever right! I am 18 years old, and i remember i used to give my parents absolute grief!

I think if you feel good and are on the road to recovery then you should avoid this reunion. Sit your children down and explain to them about your childhood, and ask them how they would feel toward you if you had done that to them. Explain that you understand and are happy with the fact that they enjoy the company of their grandparents, and are always happy to drive them to see their grandparents, or to drive them to the reunion, but tha you cannot yourself face seeing them.

Explain to them that although all parents make mistakes, you included, you cannot yet forgive them for the mistakes they made during your childhood - but even if you do resent your parents for what they did, tell your teens that you don't resent them for the mistakes.

Let them know that you are on the road to recovery and feel like going to this reunion will set you back and make home life for all of you much harder.

I hope you can sort this out. But just remember, you are not doing a bad job, you're doing an amazing job. Teenagers will always be grumpy and unappreciative of your efforts, but when they grow up, they will realise how much of a great mum you have been.

Answer 6

It sounds like the family reunion isn't for you, you really don't want to risk becoming ill again. But if at all, can you possibly ask another family member to take your children. At least this way your children wont be missing out and may actually realise how great a parent you are.