Need an effective way to tell my cousin it's not his fault!!! he is wracked with guilt?

Question

recently my cousin accidentally injured his father, my uncle, while working on the farm. he was driving/ using a digger thing which hit his neck.

My uncle is now in hospital almost completely paralysed (and in critical condition) wishing he were dead!

Met my cousin, Jim, today and he mentioned that it was his fault as he was driving and should have been more cautious. I assume everyone has told him he is not to blame, but he prob won't listen and will continue to feel guilty.

can anyone think of an effective way to help him realise he did nothing wrong and is not responsible?

on another note, can anyone think of a way I can make my poor uncle more optimistic and give him a will to live? he wants to give up, and if he stops fighting and gives up, he will die!!

thanks for all the answers.

p.s this is asked in current events because I want my contacts (who post in here) to answer too....when will yahoo ever fix that d**n email problem?!! :)

Answer 1

Lots of people who appear paralysed do eventually get up and walk. He has to start believing that.

I think your Uncle maybe should not have been in the way of such heavy machinery, and you need to tell your cousin this. The person on the ground should have stood well clear.

It was an accident.

Answer 2

tell your cousin that everyone makes mastake and accident but your sure his dad would forgive him no matter what

Answer 3

I think Pepper has given some good sound advice here, but if these problems continue then I would seriously start thinking about some professional help for both.

Answer 4

Your cousin obviously has a conscience and a deep love for his father.  Nothing you can say or do will help relieve him of his feeling of guilt.  In his mind, and in the eyes of those around him, he was guilty by virtue off the fact he was driving.  Regardless of the fact that it was an accident, the end result, paralysis and possible death will weigh very heavily on his mind.  To tell him, 'It wasn't your fault.  Don't keep blaming yourself' is not always very effective.  He might think it's callous or patronizing and rather than feeling better, he might  feel belittled.   You as his cousin can probably help him best by redirecting his feeling of guilt.  His guilt cannot restore his father, but the energy can be directed to help others.  Perhaps you can suggest that rather than beat himself over the head,  he start a group to help prevent farm accidents in his father's honor.  He might also work as a volunteer in hospitals or shelters and use that energy to  help others.  

Guilt cannot be suppressed nor washed away.  But it can be redirected to become a powerful tool for change.  

I would also advise him to start writing a journal.  That will help him get his emotions sorted out.

Answer 5

Tell him that it is indeed his fault and that you agree he should have been more careful.  If he doesn't snap out of it at that point, then you cannot help him.

No, I am not joking around. This will work because he will get angry about it and then defend his actions to you.

Answer 6

Not much I can add to your other answers Grumps. I think time and reflection and the right support is all that can help. Both are struggling with the situation they find themselves in and understandably aren't coping too well but you can only listen and offer appropriate advice. This is something that only the sufferer can work out....:(

Answer 7

My husband is a builder so I'm familiar with digger work as he subs in digger drivers when needed.When you are working in an area where machine work is being carried out it is extremely important to be vigilant at all times.Both the driver and anyone on site.The driver is not solely responsible.Each individual carries the responsibility for their own safety.It sounds to me sadly that the normal precautions were not adhered to.If the Dad was somewhere he shouldn't have been then he's to blame.If the driver moved the digger arm while knowing he was still there then he's to blame.No doubt there will be an inquiry in to the accident which will ascertain blame.All you can do is tell him 'if the situation were reversed would he want his father to shoulder the blame?'His son's perceived guilt will only make the father feel worse,he needs to be positive to help his Dad get through.

Young  local boy(20) had a horrendous crash last year.After a time when they interviewed him on telly I thought heaven's he might have been better dead.He was paralysed from the neck down,his speech was badly affected,he was just in a terrible state.He's walking now,his speech is better and life is looking so much better for him.I hope this will be the case for your uncle.It's going to be a tough time for the son too.Encourage him to be positive for his Dad's sake.

Answer 8

honestly there isn't much you can do or say to make him feel better. in his mind he did it. it doesn't matter that it was an accident he is the one who was driving you can tell him how he didn't do it till you lose your breath, it isn't going to help. because in a way he's right. yes he was driving, but how could he have been more careful? ask him what he did wrong, what he would do differently if he could, ask him what the job required both of him and of his dad and ask if they were doing their jobs like they did every day, attack his self blaming logic till it runs itself out of ammo, then tell him he can't keep blaming himself just because there's no one else to blame. sometimes things like this happen. they happen daily across the country the only thing you can do is keep going till it gets better.

Answer 9

wow thats harsh, tell him everynbody makes mistakes and no one is perfect and he well be forgivin at some point and we all fall short but that ruff

Answer 10

i just seen the question and it was posted two hours ago ...

I'm sorry to hear about your uncle and cousin, it must be a hard time for your family...at this time honestly i don't think there are words that could be used to help them...as long as they feel you and your family support is helpful...

visits for you uncle from family so he wont feel his being left behind, maybe read books or tell him about your day...as for your cousin i would suggest the same...take him out for coffee, walks something that will lift his spirits

best of luck Doc...

Answer 11

Sadly - nowadays there seems to be clash between  the no blame - full legal claim 'cultures'.  

A momentary lapse of concentration by your cousin might well have had a disastrous result for your uncle.

But it might help to remind him - "In the blink of an eye - but for the grace of God go I".

Could happen to any of us - 99.999% of us are lucky enough to escape such misfortune - even if well capable .

Slings and arrows.  

Your cousin is more unlucky than 'guilty' of any intended harm - and needs to realise that's the way life is - accidents happen.