Need constructive input to rekindle intimacy/s*x with wife?

Question

One last try to see if anyone has ideas that I have not tried to solve my problem. I have appreciated most of the responses have gotten to the question but find most are either things have tried or are so off course. Think that the off course and no real answers is because of lack of detail. So this time will try and include as much data as possible and see if can get any new incite.

First let me say have been married for over 20 years and have 2 children that are 19 and 17. Will say we have not had a storybook marriage but still say its very strong. Have told many people the true sign of strong marriage is that when the times get rough we have always been able to circle our wagons and take on the challenge as a couple. That is until this issue has occured.

The core issue is lack of s*x and intimacy since wife had hystorectomy surgery in Feb 2007. The amount of s*x has gone from some to almost none since her hysto surgery over a year and half ago. Looking for some more ideas on how to make her see that I am serious about still wanting a sexual relationship with her even though she has pretty much said that s*x is not something she wants anymore.

They did remove one ovary during the surgery but left the other.She is not on hormone thearpy and just drives me nuts that when I bring up subject of her talking with her gyno (I have even offered to speak with her doctor if she is too embarassed) but says she doesnt see a problem with the way things are. Just baffles me has lead to some ugly fights when try talking about it just the mention of there being a problem causes me to lose my bed for a few nights.

Many responses that have gotten relate to things like more date nights, romantic activities and other such things. In other words hinting that I am some sort of heartless clod thats all about me. These post anger me in that have been doing those things and more without any sort of change or response. Also its not like was not doing those things before the surgery but have increased the number of date nights, back rubs and other romantic things done to try and rekindle what seems to be fading fast too no avail. In addition I have taken over almost all of the "chores" that we use to split and have been doing them all myself for at least the past year. This was to alleviate any of the possibility that she is feeling to tired from both work and chores around the house but this has increased my stress and fatigue ten fold. In addition I tell her how beautifull she is too me and how much I love her many times a day. This is a item did increase in the last year also would tell her thoughs things before but maybe once in a while but not every day or multiple times a day like have done over the past year. I am at wits end can not think of anything more can do or say that have not done or said.

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Answer 1

she may think about hormone shots... I think a hysterectomy reduces her hormone level which reduces her drive.. hormones control a lot.. With the "assumed" age, it might be that simple.. she can at least get her levels checked.. if they are off, it can cause depression...

Answer 2

You're wife definitely needs to talk with her doctor as this seems to be related to hormones or lack there of.  Since you say that she will not discuss this with her doctor and doesn't seem to think that the lack of s*x is a problem, I think that your only recourse is to explain to her that it IS a problem for you and ask her how she recommends resolving it.  You might want to write her a letter so this cannot lead to a fight.  Tell her why you want to have s*x with her, why it's important to you.  Be honest.  If it's merely a sexual thing then that can be resolved in other ways.  Discuss this with her - don't threaten an affair though!  If it's because you want to express your feelings for her and share intimacy, then tell her that.  She might not realize that this is about anything more than s*x.  You can present her with statistics on why s*x is imprtant.  Dr. Oz just said on Oprah yesterday that regular s*x is very important for good health - both physically and mentally.  If after you have explained why this is a problem for you and you have asked her to help you figure out a way to resolve it she still doesn't acknowledge it's an issue, then you have a real problem.  And, that problem is that she doesn't care about your needs or helping her partner.  I know if my husband told me he isn't happy and needs my help to get there, I'm gonna help him.  If she refuses to acknowledge there's a problem because it is only YOUR problem in her eyes, then you might want to go to counseling.

You sound like a great husband and she's lucky to have you.  Hang in there and good luck!

Answer 3

Hi,

I have read a few of your questions and I think you are really tiring to get the intimacy back in your relationship.  I work in the operating room with many GYN doctors and hear about what some of these women go through.  I Think you could call her doctor on the phone and explain what is going on.  You really need to talk to your wife when she is really going to LISTEN to what you have to say.  You need to tell her yes you have had troubles in the marriage all couples do and that you  both need to find a way to get through this that you really need some form of personal closeness with her.  I am sure she realize that you are trying .  Maybe you both need to try couples counseling and get a third person to be the mediator. Maybe at that time she might be more open to hormonal therapy, and will be able to set up some type of ground work to involve a more activity sexual relationship.    I hope this help.  I know I would be so upset if I didn't have a physical relationship with my husband.    

Answer 4

Sounds to me like she is depressed. You might suggest therapy.

Answer 5

If it weren't for they surgery, I'd tell you to cut back on doing too many chores, gushing about your love for her and trying to suck up to her.  Women like those things, but also feel less sexually attracted to men who do them too much.  For readers with low s*x marriages, take note.

But in your case, the idea that dates or backrubs are the issue is a farce.  Her s*x drive has fallen off the earth with the surgery, and she doesn't care.  You can't rekindle a fire with nothing to burn.

Decide whether you'd rather cheat or have an affair.

Then sit down and tell her she needs to decide whether she wants to work with you on having a s*x life, or else you will (divorce/seek s*x elsewhere).  And follow through.

Your wife has no right to insist that s*x is so unimportant that its not a problem to stop having it forever, but so important that you having s*x with someone else ruins your marriage.  Either s*x is important as part of your marriage or its not.

Answer 6

From what you've written it sounds like you have done and are doing what one would think would work.  However, if your wife doesn't care that this actually really does matter to you, then it's not going to do any good.  Somehow, someway, you need to express to her that this is an important issue and she needs to respect your feelings on the subject matter... and if talking causes fighting, then perhaps write her a letter?  Maybe she's just not understanding how truly important it is to you and just thinking you want a quickie or something?  Maybe seeing that you took the time to write down your thoughts and your feelings will make a difference.  Tell her good things... about her... about you... accomplishments as a team...  Then go into the issue at hand.  Express to her that you understand she has had many changes to her body and that this has affected her perception of herself or her body or whatever... (you know what to write here) but that you love her, love everything about her, and want to share the closeness and intimacy that a sexual relationship brings.  If this is something that you want and need, then make it known... but, gently.  I think coming at it from the viewpoint of understanding or trying to understand why she now feels the way she does about s*x will go a long way.  

Of course there is the obvious suggestion of counseling...  Have you looked to see if there are any books on this subject for you... or, even for her?  

Good luck and I wish you the best.  :)

Answer 7

Say (or write if she starts a fight to avoid the conversation):

'darling, I love you but I am not prepared to live in a married relationship which does not include physical intimacy. I have tried everything I can think of to improve the situation without having to have this conversation with you. I hoped that you would understand that our love life is critical to me, and try and find a way, with me by your side to share the intimacy which always brought us happiness again. I think I have been both fair and patient but this is a major problem and we need to solve it'

It's an 'enough is enough' statement which it seems she needs. I wonder what she thinks would be the result of withholding s*x from her husband for this long? If she loves you and she cares then she will speak to her doctor about getting some help to want intimacy again but if she doesn't you have a stark choice; Live in a sexless marriage (otherwise known as a  friendship with simmering resentment thrown in', or leave.