Need help - Controlling Bridesmaid!?

Question

Okay, so I have 3 BMs, my sister, my best friend, and my fiance's sister. My best friend is the MOH.

My fiance's sister is getting a little controlling. She was telling me how I should let her and her mum do the seating plan to keep her mum happy (cos apparently she caused a huge scene at her uncles wedding because she didn't like where she had to sit). And then, she went and told her mum that they were in charge of the seating. And then, I found the perfect BM dress, and since I am paying for them, I figure I get to choose the dress (sure, if they were paying, they can have some say, but I'm prepared to pay for their dresses so that I get what I want on my day). She said she didn't like it and sent me a picture of a REALLY gross dress. AND THEN she told me that I shouldn't have hot pink in my colour scheme because it will take the focus off me, I should have light pink instead. AND NOW she is trying to plan my hen's night without my MOH... To be continued

Answer 1

Either get some spine and sit down with her and discuss this, or oust her from the wedding.  Telling us about all of this isn't going to solve the problem you have.

Answer 2

Some of the other girls on here were pretty rude, Look I know you don't want her as you bridesmaid but, also stuck because she is your soon-to-be husbands sister. I would sit down with your fiance and talk about it, if you can't get through this together you can't get through nothing. Maybe he will know how to go about the situation. Also I think it would be rude to kick her out of the wedding party, I would tell her to back off and then hope she backs out. Good Luck remember this is your day, so start kick'n *** and takin' names!

Answer 3

This situation will probably not finish when the wedding day is over.   Your groom's sister is not about to disappear, I feel.

It is important that your fiancee knows your feelings, and it might be most beneficial if it was HE that approached his rather ridiculous sister.

I imagine that you should ask for an apology?

Answer 4

I can see what you mean about the dresses! The ones you chose are simple and elegant and won't detract attention from you on your big day. They will also suit different body types. The dress your sister-in-law wants I think would take attention away from you, and would only suit very slim women. it's also a bit trashy.

Hot pink can actually make you stand out more on your day then if they wore pale pink, as it creates more of a contrast.

You need to be straight with her. Don't dump her as a Bridesmaid just yet, tell her that while you appreciate her trying to help, you want to do the seating plan yourself and you're happy with the bridesmaids dresses. Explain that when she gets married, she can do that herself, but it's your wedding and it's up to you. Also tell her that while it's nice of her to offer, it's the Maid of Honour's job to organise the hen's night, not hers.

If she doesn't change after your nice chat you might need to be more firm with her, tell her that if she doesn't toe the line she'll be no longer required to be your bridesmaid.

Answer 5

Although I don't agree with what she is doing, I don't think it is at all her trying to control the wedding, I think she may just be so excited for her brother and to be involved, and she is getting TOO involved. You know her better than me obviously so only you can make this judgement call.

The way I would get around this is to go out for lunch, have a girls day, with the 3BMs. Tell them you have wedding business to discuss. Then when you are all together talk about wedding issues - but dont aim it specifically at your sister in law! Don't bring up her suggestions or anything (act like she hasnt said anything to you in the past). What I mean is:

Bring up the subject of bridesmaids dresses, and even show them all a picture of the dresses YOU have chosen. Ask how they feel and if they like it. Don't mention the ones you sister in law has chosen (you are right, it is ugly!). This way you are saying to her that "this is what I have chosen" and letting her know you are in control without too much confrontation or making her feel embarassed. If she wants she can bring up her suggestion to the group if she wants to, and then you can all discuss it as a group. You can also discuss colours, say "I was thinking something along the lines of hot pink, what is your opinion". Then go from there. I actually agree with you sister in law on this one, i think the pale pink would be MUCH nicer and wouldnt stand out as much.

Then bring up the hens night - even though the bride is not "supossed" to be involved in the planning or anything, bring it up yourself and mention stuff that you would like/not like. Say stuff like "I don't want the hens night the day before the wedding so that way I don't spend the wedding day feeling hung over", or "I dont want anything too active, the last thing I want is a broken arm or covered in bruises for the wedding" and mention your concerns and what you would like. This brings up the Hens night to the entire group, and gets the entire group involved in the planning, rather than one person controlling it

Then bring up seating, and say "ive decided to do the seating myself (take control!) but if anyone has any preference where they want their family/friends to sit etc, let me know before I finalise it!" or something like that. If she brings up the fact that her mother is doing it, well thats up to you how you want to handle it. You can go "thanks but no thanks", or you can take advantage of the offer to do less work, and say to you mother in law that you want to sit in on the finalisation of the seating arrangments, so that way you still have the final say without doing all the hard work!

So thats what I think, invite them all over to discuss business and bring up the issues you have to the group that way they are all involved - but don't direct anything towards the sister in law or bring up her suggestions. She may just be getting over excited, and this is a way to let her know YOU are in control of YOUR wedding without becoming a bridezilla :)

Answer 6

WOW, you poor girl.  Of course the seating chart help would be WONDERFUL.... I'm not even doing one, they can find a seat and sit where they want, but since she knows her family better than you do, it WOULD be a big hep.  Maybe she can just make a LIST of who NOT to put with who and you can take it from there?  As for the dresses it's YOUR wedding.  Even IF the BM's were buying their own they don't get to pick.  And since you ARE making the generous offer to gift the girls with their dresses then she has no right to complain.  Simply tell her that you've chosen the dresses and all she needs to do is get measured.  Your "Girl's Night" is NOT her job.  It's the job of the MOH.  Your MOH knows you best, THATS why she's the MOH.  It's HER job to step in and say, "Hey, she wouldn't even like this, and it's HER day."  You may have to have your Groom to a little intervention.  Make sure she knows that you appreciate all of the advice and offers to help, but you'd rather she not take over everything.

Answer 7

I think you should ask a question in one question and not try to continuw it.  She is a real pain get her out of the wedding if that is the quesrion

Answer 8

Oh, I like the pretty dress you picked!

There is one more option.  Get your groom to straighten her out.  He can tell her to back off.  In addition, he can tell both her and mom that they are not in charge of the seating arrangements.

His family = his problem.

Many couples find it best to allow groom to handle any problems that arise with his family, while bride handles any problems that may arise with her family.  Couples may find that works best throughout married life.

Groom needs to stick up for you.  If he is unable or unwilling to do so, then he is not man enough to marry.  He needs to start sticking up for you now, otherwise sis and mom will be running your lives forever.

Good luck.

Answer 9

I think you both are being a slight bit "-zilla"  Yes, it is your day and you only have one wedding...BUT she will be your sister-in-law for way longer than the one day.  The best idea is to talk to her and let her know that you appreciate her enthusiasm and excitement, however you have a certain plan and ideas for your wedding that would like to happen.  You are paying for the dress, so it realy doens't matter if she does want another, you are the one ordering and paying.  For the hen night, just let her know that your best friend will be doing the initial planning and that the rest of the bridal party will be helping.  YOu may need to get your fiance involved, but again, she is his sister and family is family.  Find a way to set the boundaries, but still be diplomatic about it.

Answer 10

It's your day and you need to sit her down and make her realise this. If you are paying for her dress she shouldn't have a say. As for planning the Hen's night without you maid of honour, the two of you should approach her together. There are some sites that have bridesmaid guidelines about what they do help with and what they don't help with, or if you chose you can make the list up yourself.

With the seating plan maybe go to her with the draft and see if her and her mother are happy with it, but don't let her organise the whole thing, I am assuming that she won't know all of your guests after all so she won't know where to put them.

I don't think you r being a Bridezilla at all!

All the best :)

Answer 11

wat a f*cking b*tch!!!!!

ok u need to talk to ur fiance asap!!

explain to him wat shes doing an tell him u are very nearly ready to kick her the f*ck out of the wedding if she doesnt stop!!

wen she gets married then she can boss ppl around but NOT on ur day!!!

it is completely fair that u pick the dresses since UR PAYING FOR THEM

try that lol

hope it helps

Answer 12

Dear God - her dress is awful !  The one you like is elegant and timeless - Put your foot down about that !

In fact, maybe ask your fiance to talk to his sister.  Explain to her that your MOH and best friend really knows your tastes and likes better and you'd prefer her to not plan anything without your OK and or your MOH's.

It is YOUR wedding. Oh, and take back control of your seating plan !!!

Answer 13

Ok, I'm getting married in October, and thankfully have just my sisters as bridesmaids.

Here's my suggestions. Just like someone above said, if she made that big of a scene at the uncle's wedding. give her the list (or copy of) your fiance's family and let them hash out where people sit.  Make them specifically aware that it is ONLY their side that they are in charge of.

With the dresses, you need NOT pick the one your sister in law likes, they're hideous, and you don't want to cry when you get your photos back. Let her gently know you that while you appreciate her input, you're going to go with your gut. FYI, bridesmaids are at the mercy of the bride, not the other way around. They are there to help if need be, not organize and make the major decisions.

I LOVE hot pink in weddings, it's jazzy and modern. Don't do the pale pink, it'll remind people of pepto-bismuth.

Bachelorette parties are planned by the maid of honor. Period.

You're not being a bridezilla... in fact, I think you're being too nice. Get together with all of your bridesmaids AND mothers, and LET THEM KNOW what IS and IS NOT going on. Stick to your guns. Having your mom there for support is good. Major points on the get together: 1.) The seating arrangement. Split it up. Give your mom the duties for your side, give his mom the duties for her side. 2.) The bridemaids dresses WILL BE what YOU picked, IN hot pink 3.) The bachelorette party (hen's night out) is going to be planned by the Maid of Honor.

Good luck! And don't let them walk over you!

Answer 14

You definitely need to take control. Tell her to chill or you are kicking her out of the wedding party. Plan things you want to have them.

And bungee jumping before your wedding? No, thank you. That would throw my back all out of whack and I wouldn't be able to walk for days. You don't need to be so extreme right before the wedding.

Answer 15

The links don't work, but as to your question; You need to tell this young lady to back off. It's not her wedding, it's not her mum's, it's YOUR'S. It is time to embrace your inner Bride In Total Control of Herself, if you know what I mean!

Answer 16

The things she has planned for my hen's night are not at all my idea of fun, she wants to have a big day full of activities which will cost heaps, like a zorb ball and bungy jumping and those sorts of things !!

thats ridiculous !!

stop her nonsense !

Answer 17

i'm totally with you on this one!  it's not her wedding, when she gets married then she can be the unholy supreme dictator of her wedding but this is yours so she needs to butt out and if you need help then you will ask for it. the dress you picked was fab and the one she picked was disgusting and once again it's your wedding so she should suck it up and wear what you tell her to especially since you're paying for it.

the only part that you might want to bend on is their family's seating arrangments because they will know who gets along with who and who ranks higher in their family chain

it's your wedding. do what you want and if she doesn't like it then i'm sure you can find another bridesmaid.  go bridezilla on their @$$es, that should scare the h**l out of them

Answer 18

tell her its your day, and you will make the decisions. If she still continues have your FH talk to her... then if she still continues get rid of her.. congrads! I hope things work out!

Answer 19

Ok sounds like you and all three of your BM's should get together for a day out to lunch and sit down and chat. You need to put you foot down and have a list ready of the things you are NOT satified with and you want to change. Explain that the hens day you are having doesnt suit you and that you would prefer something else and throw a few ideas there way. Also demand that noone be left out or you will plan it yourself... This is your day and you want to have everything the way the satisfies you, NOT THEM. If they get upset then they just get upset and they will get over it. These controlling people need to be brought down a notch and you are the only one that can do that. You dont have to be rude just explain to them that you feel like everything is getting of course and its not what you want. Period. Good luck and you have it the way you want it and no other way. :)

Answer 20

Time for you fiance to set boundaries with his sister and his mother!

It is always the guys side of the family that is interfering and controlling. They need to be put into their place!

Answer 21

Well...I guess my first question is what does your fiance think of what you are feeling?  Does he agree about his sister or is it causing stress between you and him?

Being a bride is tough, it's YOUR Day...but there are a lot of important people to consider....that you will be dealing with A LOT longer than than your wedding day.  Like his sister and his Mom.

So weigh your conflicts when you find them.  Decide what REALLY matters to you.   And in other matters either let it go or find a compromise.   If her (and your fiances) Mom, has issues with seating, and your family is more flexible, let her do the seating for HER side.  (Doesn't handle the pushy sister issue)...but it handles Mom.  And you don't need Mom making a big scene on your wedding day at the reception.

The dress...sounds important to you.  SO stick to your guns.  It's YOUR day.  Tell Sis that you appreciate that she doesn't especially like the gown (an most of us have been in weddings wearing gowns we didn't care for and managed)...and that is why you have offered to pay for them (very generous in my opinion, I've had to PAY for dresses I didn't care for).  And you know that she realizes that every bride has her dream wedding...and I'm assuming that she (the sis) has hers...or HAD hers at her own wedding...and Hot Pink is just a color you really like.

I'm not sure exactly what a Hen's night is...but I'm thinking it's pretty similar to what we call a Bachorlorette Party here.  All girls...and tell her you are sure that your MOH as well as (fill in the blanks for the people you want will be there).

I guess the idea, dear one, is to realize that your wedding is one day...amid a lifetime....true....and you are marrying his family as WELL as him.  And some things aren't worth really sweating.  Is anyone going to remember who sat where at your wedding? ...but then it IS your DAY!...and when you look at the photos 25 years from now, the dresses DO matter...because they affect the whole "look" of the wedding...for you.

With controlling people...the way to handle them...is to APPEAR to give them control....and to appeal to their ego.  If they are REALLY controlling then...well...nothing works but saying "well if you don't like the dress, then I guess you can't be in the bridal party!"....and well...that would be my last resort.

Mostly you voice it in a way that says you hear them and you certainly respect how they feel and right before the conflict you point out something about them that makes it sound positive.  Weird I know.  But it works.

"I know you don't care for the dress and I can't tell you how much it means to me (and fiance's name) that you are willing to wear this just to please us...I know a lot of women might not do that...but we knew we could count on you to help make our day perfect".

I know...alot of work...to think of this stuff...but you take control...and have the day you want.

Peace and Congrats!

Nancy

Answer 22

Take control and don't let her tell you what to do, it's your day don't let her make it hers with her idea's if she doesn't like she doesn't have to be your bridesmaid.

Answer 23

you should tell her to Stop... and remind her that it is your wedding and that she is to wear the dress that you choose and that your BFF is to plan the hens night... other wise you wont have UR dream wedding...

Answer 24

It isnt her day dont let her control it

Answer 25

post the actual links rather than HTML so we can see the dresses...