Need help : Kid needs to do chores?

Question

Besides the attitude my g/f 13 year old boy gives us about his daily chores, he has a problem of either forgetting or defiance.

We ask him to do his dishes after each meal, and clean the den before he goes to bed, but it's always a hassel and where tired of asking him, and his attitude. We thought of a dry-erase

board with the days of the week, and mark when he has cleaned the den, and done his dishes, and with penalities, like no TV, or no allowance, or being grounded for each none occurence, and let him chose his punishment. Would this work, or does anyone have a better idea?

Answer 1

The dry erase board is a good idea.  However the grounding will only work for a short time, then you'll get the "I don't care" attitude you probably get now.  

My 12 year old is the same.

We have just started the allowence game with her and I have heard it works.  We are going to start it at $10 a week if she does all of her chores.  Every time I have to nag her to do the chore she looses a dollar.  She's down to seven dollars this week but the chores are getting done.  

Hope this helps.  Cheers~!

Answer 2

Actually, I think the idea of the dry erase board is great, I would just add one thing. Instead of only penalties, how about rewards when he does get it done? I have found that kids work harder for something than to avoid something.

Answer 3

Yes, that is a great idea. But if he still decides to be defiant then take away all his toys: video games, computer, etc. etc. and make him earn them back by doing his chores on a daily basis without having to nag at him. Don't be to harsh yet, he sounds like a good kid. Just lazy like the rest of them!

Answer 4

I would just be straight with him and tell him no chores, no allowance.

Answer 5

Yes it does work! I have a 13 year old who wasn't doing his chores and his dad and I did exactly what you are thinking about doing. If he missed a certain chore or more than one a day he was grounded from video games, tv etc. It worked wonders and he is doing much better. We still have days where he gets stuff taken away and he grouses about it but when it is there in black and white they can't do much but get mad at themselves. We also have let him choose his punishment, that worked alright but he tried doing to easy forms of punishments. Good luck..just remember most of this is just a phase and you will get through it!

Answer 6

Number one YOU need to butt out of any discipline problems between mother and child because YOU are not related to the child.  You are NOT the child's father therefore have no right butting in.  You are simply the man the child's mother sleeps with, so there is no "we" here.  His mother has to learn to recognize that her son has entered puberty, he is going to be defiant, it comes with the territory.  As far as the housework goes, if mom wants a maid she should hire one.  A child should not have to do the housework a child (and yes even 13 year olds are children) should be working on their studies, spending QUALITY time with their family, or just being kids.  Mom needs to ask herself this...what is going to matter most in 20 years a clean den or a son who appreciates the time mom spent with him?  Again, want a maid, then hire one.

Answer 7

Kids absolute need to do chores, for numerous reasons.  First of all is learning to be responsible for their own messes, they need to learn that being in a family means responsibility to the family, helping out with running the household, and learning the skills they will need to run their own households when they're adults.  Don't give in!

If he spent alot of time as a child without anyone expecting him to pitch in and help, then it will be harder to get him into the habit now.  This happened with my kids.  They were 14 and 12 when I remarried, and in the new house, they suddenly were expected to do a set of chores every day on top of keeping track of their own stuff and messes. It took a long time to re-train them; before re-marrying, I had always avoided any battle with them and just done (or attempted to do) all the housework myself.  It seemed easier, but wasn't in the long run.

Make a chart, showing what he is to do each day of the week, when you expect these things to be done (mine like to try to put off till bedtime what should get done much earlier), what the consequences are if they're not done, and talk about rewards for getting stuff done on time, especially without being asked.  My kids discovered they often get paid for chores they just do or things they do that ARE NOT on "the list".  There is great benefit to going "above and beyond", though this kind of thinking is probably a long way off for your gf's son.

We have things that everyone in the house is responsible for, period, adult or child: putting your dirty laundry in the washroom, putting clean laundry away, keeping your room clean (even the adults), and completely cleaning up any messes you make.  Also, once the dishes are washed, anyone fixing a snack or late meal washes his or her own dishes.  

Then there are chores that are part of keeping the house tidy and clean.  We defined "tidy" and just picking stuff up and keeping it in its place(s).  Clean mean removing dirt, dust, grime, etc.  My son got the walls all dirty with black grease after working on his car so HE cleaned it up.  Also, be clear about HOW chores are to be done and that you will make him do them over again if they're not done right.  But be sure he's actually taught how to do certain things (some stuff takes practice and skill, like folding laundry neatly), and don't expect him to just do certain things perfectly right away.  

Remember, he will need to know alot of basics before having his own dorm room or apartment later and keep in mind, you are doing him a favor by teaching him (and expecting him) to alot of stuff.  My son grumbled two years ago when his step-dad insisted on him helping change car oil and filters--but now he can charge his friends to do their cars and is glad he learned!  My daughter grumbed two years ago when we made her go water and weed the garden, but now she's a vegetarian and wants to grow some stuff of her own.  Think positive and be positive, but be firm.