Need help dealing with my fiance's mother!?

Question

Ok, I have been with my fiance for 4 years and we are to be married this october. He has always been very close to his mother, as his parents split when he was a baby.

His mother was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor, and she ha several other disabilitys. She is up and down alot. By that, I mean angry sad angry sad happy angry sad...etc.

I think she likes me...we have butted heads a couple times in the past but thats it.

However, his mom is the type to go behind a person's back and decieve/lie. I hate to say it, but its true. She has run off many a family member and friend by doing this. She is also a bit eccentric.

I understand that a brain tumor in the frontal lobe can cause irritability, etc. but MAN! she has been totally grouchy towards me lately! I call her a couple of times a day, just to talk, see if she has gotten her surgery for her brain sceduled, make conversation, etc.

She told my fiance today that she does not want me calling anymore and she does not care if i am present at her surgery or not (a couple of days ago she really wanted me there)

She was calling me all sorts of names, etc to him and I didn't do anything! I don't understand her one bit. I think she may be scared of her impending brain surgery. I try to show support, but this woman is happy one minute and psychotic the next. (no offense to her, but its true.)

Right now, my fiance and i live 30 miles away from her, in a different town. We are low-income and just got her old car. My fiance just started driving it and we are currently working on getting a place and getting our lives together, getting on our feet, etc.

She went off on him today, saying that "you guys can come see me now you have a car!" (when in reality we can't because we are broke and dont have the gas..or anyone to borrow money from!) she also thinks we don't care, because we won't come see her, etc.

We have tried explaining that we are broke, dont have gas, etc. But she thinks these are lame excuses to not come see her (which they arent) we have also told her that we will come and visit as soon as we have the money. she wont believe that either. We try to be really cheerful and supportive. We want to go see her, but this is a rural area and we do not have cabs or buses either. We also just moved here so we do not know anyone that we could hitch a ride with.

she went off on my fiance today over the phone, and when she did, she was bad-mouthing me and saying a bunch of silly stuff that didnt make sense. she said i cant call or be there for her surgery. like i said earlier, i have been nice as pie to her, i havent done anything to make her mad!

what is her problem? is she trying to split me and my fiance up? put him on a guilt trip? she has managed to split us up twice in the past, but i dunno whats going on. help?

Answer 1

She's sick. Don't worry about it, just do what you can. After that, let it go.

Answer 2

I would not take it personally the way she is acting. Try and google brain tumor and see what the symptoms are. I would think the way she is acting is because of her condition, and the fact that she has surgury coming up. It would be very scary for her.

Answer 3

If your future mother-in-law has a brain tumor, and her mood swings and attitudes have gotten worse, it' might be the tumor.

And part of her problem could be fear.  Lots of times when people are ill, they are scared to death and their fear can come out as anger, and lashing out at people, especially family.

I think that, instead of letting your future mother in law run your emotions and ruin your day, just accept her at face value and realize she's not a well person.  I'm sure she means you no harm, she's just sick....

I worked in a nursing home for a few years, and i found this to be true... it's really difficult when people have illnesses... and it's very scary for most.

take care of yourself.  i think if you accept her behaviors as those of a sick person, you will be better off.

Answer 4

old people forget things and mix up things easily. plus the disease, just dont take it personal. shes old, and think about it, she might not have many years left, just treat her well with respect and care. I'm sure one day when you get old, your kids will take caare of you too...

hope this helps...

Answer 5

I don't think your future mother-in-law is trying to split you up.  It sounds more like she is having behavioral and mood issues related to her tumor and upcoming surgery.

Having anyone call you twice a day can be overwhelming.  I love my Mom to pieces, but if she called me twice a day I'd want to stick a fork in my eye.  The frequency of your calls may have been too much for her to handle.  Perhaps she feels like the only way to get you to decrease is to ask you to stop completely.  It also seems like she needs the support of her son right now.  If anybody is calling her daily it should be him.

As far as not being there for her surgery...  that's a hard one.  It's possible that she's just saying that out of frustration.  It's also possible that she doesn't want a lot of people present, or that she would prefer to have some alone time with her son.  I'd step back a little and see how she feels as the time for surgery draws closer.  Just because she doesn't want you in the room before they wheel her away, or standing there when she wakes up, doesn't mean that you shouldn't be present to support your fiance.  You can be with him to hold his hand in the waiting area while surgery is happening, and available to visit your FMIL if she decides she's up to it.

Good luck.

Answer 6

She's got a brain tumour. She's likely in pain, it effects her thinking and emotions, she's facing the very real prospect of dieing soon. She's not going to understand why a bit of gas is all it takes to keep you from visiting her when she's scared and very ill.

And really, there must be something you can sacrifice to be able to visit her occasionally.

She's not trying to split you up, she's just afraid and wants someone to help her feel better. If she's a selfish manipulative person by nature, this will just make her worse.