Need help for 4yr behavior?

Question

My son is 4 year old. Two months ago, he went to a local preschool. During the last two months, we got multiple complains from the teachers. He cannot take any critics and if the teacher says “no, no” to him, he becomes very upset and just lies on the floor or hide under the table and refuse to do anything. I did talk to him a lot at home, and he promised me he would not do it again. But it happened again and again. I gave him many timeout, tried to say a lot more “no” to him at home to get him used to “no”, and tried to apply more strict rules at home, but the situation still continues. The boy seems like his teachers. Everyday, when he arrives at school, the first thing he does is to rush to the teachers to hug or say hi. But how can I change his behavior? Any advices?

Answer 1

I would read the book "Parenting with Love and Logic". It is meant for situations like this (when you can't figure out why kids are responding so out-of-character to "no").

The book is often used by educators. It uses language that gives the kids the power of choice. For example, instead of saying "stop talking", you change the language to "Feel free to talk at choice time or at snack, but now is listening time."

It's an amazing system and I highly recommend ordering it from Amazon.com.

~Susie

All Day Kindergarten Teacher

Answer 2

Check this website outhttp://www.kidsource.com/kidsource/conte... Its about positive discipline ,Don't get your kid used to hearing  'NO'  a trained teacher should know that negative discipline = low self worth

http://www.thefunplace.com/guild/pre/pos...

Answer 3

A conference between the parent, teachers and director where all of you could come up with a plan on how to handle this behavior. Some things might have to change at home or maybe the director can give the teachers some ideas on how to handle what the problem is. Communicate, don't just accept the complaints ask for help to resolve these issues. At four the children should be able to cooperate with his teachers and other children. It is good if you have the same consequences and rewards for the same behaviors at home as at school.

Answer 4

Instead of punishing his bad behavior, reward him when he behaves at school. Start a marble jar or some other means of keeping tabs. After so many good days, he gets something extra special.

Also, make sure he understands school is the same as home. Someone is in charge, and he has to follow those rules.

Answer 5

One thing a lot of parents do without thinking about it (and I don't know if you're doing this or not, since you didn't say), is to say, "do you want to get dressed?" and put the command into a question.  Of course the answer will be no if they are independent and don't want to do what you want them to.  You need to give it in command form: "it's time to get dressed now."  Doing this will allow you to practice getting him to behave at home.

As far as his behavior at school, use a marble jar, where he earns a marble for each positive day.  Or, it doesn't have to be marbles, maybe a sticker chart, just something where he gets some sort of token for behaving and when he has enough (you determine this, maybe weekly, or every couple weeks), he gets something special.  It doesn't have to be something you buy, either, it can be as simple as extra time with you doing whatever he wants (playing a game, riding bikes, whatever).

Answer 6

Instead of saying "no" all the time, say "You need to..." For example, "you need to put your shoes on now." "You need to stop hitting the cat." Deflection is another technique. Instead of focusing on the inappropriate behavior, try to get him interested in doing something more appropriate when he is engaged in the inappropriate behavior. Try focusing on the positive and not the negative. "I like how you washed your hands before sitting at the table." "You got your socks on all by yourself! Good job!"

Answer 7

I'll say this...then I'll say how to approach it with the teacher.

It sounds like her method of guidance is part of the problem.  She's busy saying, "No" and children that age do not respond to that very well usually without something else to add to it.

"Don't hit the cat" should be said as "we touch the cat gently."

"Don't run in the classroom" should be said as "We walk in the classroom."

Think of it as giving the child key words.  If you say, "Don't run in the classroom," the key word is "run."  If you say, "We walk in the classroom," the key word is "walk."  The child will remember "run" in the first part and "walk" in the second.  That's just how their brain works.

I am not sure what the teacher is saying, "no" to.  So it's a little hard to address this.  If you can give more specifics, I might be able to help more.

As far as what to say to the teacher, suggest that your son responds better in the way I said.  See what happens if she tries it.  I wouldn't point out that her way is "wrong," just put it in light of, "This works better with my son and it might be something that helps you."

Good luck!

Matt

Answer 8

To be truthful...I've yet been in a 4 year old classroom where I've had to say "no" very many times.  So my first thought is similar to Matt's... how is the teacher approaching this at school?  Is she constantly using negative responses or is that just every once in awhile?  Matt is right on about rephrasing how we say things to the children.  What is the routine at school?  I personally feel that the preschool environement should be set up to allow exploration.  Is the preschool set up for that?  Do they have a visual rules chart that they can refer to with the children?  Maybe have a bit of a discussion with the child's teacher.  Find out what's actually going on in that classroom.

Now for you :-) as the parent.  Is this behavior seen at home?  If not... than don't focus so much on what you are doing at home.  The focus needs to be on what is happening at school.  Positive reinforcement is the best bet.  "Catch him being good".  Be firm with your expectations and coincide them as much as possible with school.  However, it does not have to be exactly the same "rules" because children must learn that every environment has their own set of rules.

Good luck!